It�s Top 50 time again! That�s right, it�s the second week of the month already, and goddamn, do we have treat for you.

Our writers went to the lab to scientifically uncover the 50 people most in need of a vicious beating. We aren�t talking about a run-of-the-mill beat down. We are talking about an �I�m gonna call a couple of hard, pipe hittin� niggas to come down here and work on the homes with a pair of pliers and blow torch� kind of beating. We are talking about the kind of battery that leaves you thankful just to be alive�an Alberto Gonzales approved enemy-combatant bring-you-back-from-the-dead-with-a-defibrillator and then beat-you-some-more kind of working over�the kind of shit that leaves you with a lazy eye and lisp. We are thinking some Jack Bauer �24� shit, but without the dramatic Sean Callery score.

Now, those kind of beatings aren't just handed out will-nilly. They have to be earned, and this group has paid in full.

General disclaimer: You won�t be seeing the names of some people who you might expect to see. There is no Striped Shirt guy, no Tom Cruise, but don�t think we forgot about them. More likely they fall into �The Top 50 People Who Need To Be Murdered.� Unfortunately, we can�t exactly put up a hit list on the internets. There are crazy people out there. That being said, do not go out and start beating people up, or at least don�t tell the police we told you to do it if you get caught. All we're saying here is that these folks are begging for a life altering physical experience.

Okay, let�s get to it�Nurse, please hand me the pliers.

50. Pauly Shore
		What could have possibly convinced anyone that we needed more Pauly Shore? I thought we were done with this guy ten years ago. No one was sitting at home thinking, �I wonder what Pauly Shore is up to.� But yet there he is on my television saying he will send me money if I don�t like his new reality show where he runs the Comedy Store. I know you are thinking, �isn�t putting Paulie Shore in charge of the Comedy Store like letting Billy Graham run a whorehouse?� I hear you. You know what Pauly, keep your money. You�re going to need it more than I do.
49. Cats
		Okay. There�s no sound argument against cats needing a pounding, but there�s a common misconception that cats are actually their own species. In reality, cats are just really gay dogs.
48. Tony Robbins
		Ok, we get it! You're successful, and you're organized. Good for you. Not all of us have a brain the size of a Volkswagen inside a freakishly large head. You ever think that maybe 61-hours of audio books isn�t going to help some unemployed garbage man watching E! at 4am? Get a real job and stop fleecing stupid people out of their unemployment checks.
47. Pat Robertson
		Someone must have just stated a fact to Robertson prior to the photo being taken. Facts are Pat Robertson's kryptonite. He hates them more that Jews, Gays, and Muslims combined.
46. Katie Couric
		Hey Katie, when you're bound and gagged in the trunk of my car, will you still have that egg-suck grin plastered to your face? Fuck you too.
45. Ed Begley Jr.
		The Phat Phree was down with Ed until he denied us an exclusive interview. Don't cross The Phat Phree- don't even think about it! .
44. Larry Miller
		Most people outside of Los Angeles, probably don�t know who I am talking about when I say "Larry Miller, owner of Sit �n Sleep," but substitute your own local radio/tv pitchman spouting the most obnoxious and annoying commercial lines they can fucking think of. Let me tell you how much I hate Larry Miller. My car radio was stolen several months ago, and I haven�t replaced it in large part because I don�t ever again want to hear that shameless fuck scream, ��or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEEEE!�