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You are fooling No One
Hey, Analyst Who Is Telling Us About His Weekend,
Nobody fucking cares. Let me just get that out there. Nobody gives a shit where you went last night- that, like your life, is interesting to you and only you, you fucking prissy-ass poser.
How narcissistic of you to really believe that your willingness to pay some fat, bald bouncer at some overpriced modern disco makes you an interesting person?
Where do you get off? I know deep down you want to convince us all that you are better than everyone else because you were able to charge a 300.00 bar in the same building Lindsay Lohan took a shit, but the reality is you are not a Very Important Person, you’re just a dude who paid to get in a bar and sit on a seat that a million men before you have farted on. Your mother should be so proud of how far you have come. Here, have a fucking cookie.
Hey, Hot Girl in the Office,
You are not funny. Guys don’t laugh because you amuse them, they laugh because it will give them more time around you so they can play the look-at-your-breasts-and-not-get-caught by-you-while-giving-one-another-stupid-looks-game. The reality of this situation is that anyone can do expenses and answer phones but your ass looked like a plum on cellophane in your little BeBe suit and the boss decided to throw the boys a bone.
I know you think you are interesting and smart and that they stop by your cube to hear all about your adorable puppy and your weekend trip with your boyfriend, but the truth is they just want to have something to think about later that night. I am so sorry to have to tell you that your laugh is annoying and your baby giggles makes their nuts crawl up into their stomachs worse than a dive into the Hudson in February, but they will put up with it because, like most men, they are all willing to trade their ear drums and a few nerves for “fucking smokin’”. And smokin' you are. Can I borrow your tie?
Hey Mets Fans,
You fucking suck. Your team sucks. Get out of our city.
Hey, Dipshit on Friendster,
Grade A-Rod approved
You are a fucking loser. Stop looking for people you have met once at your cool friend’s birthday party to add as your friends. When was the last time you saw half of these people anyway? Do you even know their last names? You insecure sack of shit. The day you have 75 friends is the day your mother gets off the butcher’s tip. Never gonna happen.
Hey Balding Guy,
Stop with the baseball hats. You look like a frat boy. Unless you are 6’3, 220 pounds, don’t shave your head because it won’t make you look tough. You’ll have to grow a goatee and get an earring and then the only chicks that will screw you will have blue hair and pale flabby skin. Do you want a Howie Mandel experience? And for the sake of Christ, please don’t do that fucking comb-over. You’re no billionaire.
It’s time to accept reality. Your hair is falling out. You had a good run and now it’s over. You didn’t win the genetic lottery and you know what? Nobody gives a fuck. Most guys didn’t. Take out that baby oil and shine that fucker up. Embrace that egg on your head and tell chicks your father is an arms dealer. That should do it.
Hey Red Sox Fans,
The only thing worse than a Mets fan is a Red Sox Fan, but the only thing better than making a Mets fan cry is to run over an idiot from Boston. Can't wait for you to visit again, losers.
Hey Formerly Hot Girl Who Is Getting Fat,
Here that faint ticking sound in the background of your life? That’s your little indication that your time is almost up. No amount of forcing those wider hips in your college pants will make us all burn with envy and lust like we used to. It’s over. Time to hang up the belly shirts, join Curves, and find yourself one of those guys you used to be mean to and marry him, because Joe Six-Pack is dating the assistant in the office (see above).
No, Seriously, The Guys Really Value What You Have To Say
We watch you count the calories, deny yourself the pizza and spin yourself into a fit of tears to get your ass from expanding any bigger, but nothing will spike your metabolism. You’re irritable, frustrated and chubby. All in all, former hot girl, you’re becoming a fat bitch. I will add that the former fat girls in your High School class are enjoying every moment.
Transplants that adopt NYC culture as their own? Don't you hate them too?
Yvonna
Uhhhh
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Post #: 3
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Posted: 3/9/2006 8:59:11 AM
That's a little over 75% of the city... 36% of NYC's population were born outside of the country and a good 40% were born in another state. So, in short, the answer is no. Your sarcasm bomb deflated, guy- better luck next time.
kayvon
nice stats
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Posted: 3/9/2006 9:07:50 AM
Call me old fashioned but I always considered "our city" or "my city" to be the one I was born and raised in. Not the one I'm currently residing in to borrow cool points, culture, and income from.
Yvonna
Kayvon
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Posted: 3/9/2006 9:24:12 AM
Your kidding, right? So, you think you are better than everyone not born in New York? You get "cool points" for living in the City? You still use the term "cool points?" Is this 7th grade? Get over yourself.
NYC was built on the backs of immigrants and people who did not win the labor lotto! The income is created byopportunities created by " transplants."
Get over yourself. Home is wherever someone decides to create one.
OK, I'm out.
T-Bone
Shit, girl!
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Posted: 3/9/2006 9:27:21 AM
You got some anger issues, huh? Loved the article up until you ragged on the BoSox. I do believe that your Yank-these suffered the worst comeback in post-season history by my Sox. Hey I know its two years ago, but we'll take what we can get.
K.W.
kayvon
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Posted: 3/9/2006 9:35:41 AM
What the hell is NYC culture anyway? Waitress/actresses, 'high (read: ugly) fashion', and the destruction of private property rights?
Oh yeah, loved the article.
kayvon
they can keep it
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Posted: 3/9/2006 9:50:23 AM
Hey, I can count the number of times I've set foot in New York on one hand. We could just as easily be talking about any other coastal metropolis. But my point is that it's not cool to move to a city and start debasing its indigenous population (or B&T crowd, as was foppishly coined some time ago) to sound like some debonaire Little Miss Midtown. Overgeneralizing and degrading locals is a matter of entitlement, one that transplants just aren't privy to. It's like how Chris Rock equated white folks dropping the n-bomb to calling somone else's kid dumb. One could talk shit on their own kid all day but as soon as someone else joins in the fun is over.
Speaking of killing the fun, sorry everyone.
stat
I think you pissed off Yvonna
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Posted: 3/9/2006 10:24:31 AM
Are you having a bad day? I liked the article until you had to take a stab at the sox, not cool Yvonna, not cool- Can't we all just be friends? Besides, if you were really a new yorker, i'd think you wouldn't have a car to run anyone over- bitch. I like the venting and raging articles, keep up the anger!
Lloyd
Funny
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 3/9/2006 10:41:23 AM
This was hilarious, though, as a balding Mets fan, I am offended. Angry chicks are hot.
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