Not a little bit taller... not a baller... but at least he's black

Where are all my 5’8” white guys at? Where ya at?

The reason I am calling on you is because the Z-Man’s got big news! I’m not sure if you realize it, but guess what? Give up? We are the new minority!

What?! You might say? That’s right, you heard me. WE ARE THE NEW MINORITY!

Move over, Blacks and Jews, the 5’8” white guy is taking over! Except this time it won’t be like our rocky past; we’re just “taking over” the minority status this time around, and we’re coming strong for it in 2006 yall!

Okay, it’s true, we don’t have 400 years of oppression, and a Holocaust with our race, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve the “minority” status.

History aside, let me plead my case to why we’re the new minority in 2006.

It all started one day when I was talking with this girl I met. She was “hot” and I had taken her out a few times, and things seemed to be going rather nicely (If you know what I mean). So I decided to ask her where we stood one day, and she looked at me and said, “I think you’re cute and nice, and I would totally date you if you were taller”.

Cue Record Scratch

YOU’D DATE ME IF I WERE TALLER? This normally wouldn’t have upset me that much, but the fact that she was only 5’2” got me thinking: “I’m six inches taller than you, bitch, and you’re trying to tell me that six inches taller than you is the only thing coming between us being exclusive? I know I’m not “baller” height but It’s not like I’m Glen Fucking Danzig either” (cue “Mother” in your head for the rest of the day)

I started thinking some more, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized you never hear a women (hot, ugly, retarded, whatever) say, “I want a short guy!” NEVER! What you will hear a lady say is, “I want a tall guy…weee!”

Well I want a woman who’s not annoying, but I settle for them all the time.

Here’s the problem though. If you’re fat, you can lose the weight. If you’re broke, you can get a job. If you’re short, you’re FUCKED!!!

You can’t do anything about how tall you are. Not even buying a pair of Doc Martins can fix the problem.

You might be saying, “Okay, Z-man, that’s not much of an argument to be considered the “new minority.” I understand this, but here are a few more cases to support my argument.

We can’t donate sperm.

If you look-up how you can donate sperm (I did it for research for this article. I swear it was just for this article), it say’s “We welcome men of all ethnicities”. Which is great but what they don’t tell you is this further disclaimer: “We don’t welcome guys under 6 ft”

Can you say, “Segregation?”

They want men who are 6’0” or taller. Isn’t that some bullshit? We can’t even donate our sperm. What if we were caring around the next Baby Fucking Jesus in our load? The Sperm Bank is pretty much saying to us, “Fuck-you 5’8” guy, we hate Jesus!”

Whatever, Sperm Bank, that’s cool; I just take my load and blow it elsewhere.

THE NBA

Name one white guy who is 5’8 or smaller in the NBA. I dare you! You can’t! You know why? Because there isn’t a chance in hell we’ll make it to the NBA. The brothers can do it, and they do it well. They come strong- Earl Boykins is 5’5”. Tyrone "Mugsy" Bogues is 5’3”, Spud Webb is 5’6”. All under 5’8”, and all representing! I can almost guarantee they’re banging tall chicks too.

Sometimes I just sit in my room in think, “What I wouldn’t do to be 5’5 and black in the NBA”.

Dancing at the club

I think “The Clubs” were specifically designed for the 5’8” white guy to fail to the fullest.

Being 5’8” in a club is torture! You can’t see over people, and you get pushed around like a 16-year-old girl.

Not only that, but the 5’8” white guy almost always looks ridiculous grinding on the hot chicks at the club.

We are completely out of our element at the club.

I can go on and on about why we should be the “New Minority” but I feel I’ve stated a strong enough case.

So today, instead of taking this lying down, I’ve decided to rise up against this discrimination and declare a revolution. I will be the Martin Luther King of the 5’8” white man and, like the Doobie Brothers, I’m “takin’ it to the streets.”

“I have a dream that one day the 5’8” white guy will be equal with the six-foot man. I have a dream the 5’8 white man will get picked first on the basketball court. I have a dream the six-foot supermodel will one day ask us out on date. I have a dream we will be able to sell our ‘jizz’ to sperm banks. I have a dream that I be able to grind on a girl without looking ridiculous.”

Who’s with me?