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Think you can roll with us? Lets find out.
The following is a test specifically designed to test your New Jersey Guido IQ level. This barometer can be used to accurately decipher your ability to blend in with the Guido culture that can be found on any given weekend summer night along the Jersey Shore.
See where you rank in the world of testosterone, Pro-V, tight-fitting shirts and massive amounts of cologne. Be forewarned that the correct answer isn’t always the right answer. Also, as fair warning, you may find that during the test you begin to feel greasy. This is a natural response and should go away at the conclusion of the test.
1) If a man leaves a club in Seaside Heights at 1:00AM and is in bed by 1:45AM, he is most likely…
a) From the area b) A total pussy c) Drunk and tired d) Named Gino
2) All of the following are acceptable methods of tanning except…
a) Sunbathing on the shore b) Tan-in-a-Can spray c) Visiting a tanning salon d) Goldman’s SuperGlo lotion
3) Wax is for…
a) Museums b) Women’s legs c) My eyebrows d) Bees
4) When shaving your chest, always…
a) Go against the grain b) Use a brand new razor c) Avoid the nipple area d) Have your ‘bro’ assist you
5) BITCH : HO as…
a) FOOT : ASS b) BALLS : WALL c) BLING : ICE d) DOG : PITBULL
6) 1+1 equals…
a) 2 b) What ever the fuck I say it does c) 3 d) You can’t add the same number to itself
7) What is the next logical number in this sequence - 1,2,4,8,16,32…
a) 46 b) 64 c) 69 d) 32+1
8) If a man rents a Seaside apartment for the summer and pays a security deposit of $1200, how much can he expect to get back?
a) $1200 b) $600 c) $0 d) He will owe money
9) RESPECT : WOMEN as…
a) NIGHT : DAY b) WORLD DOMINATION : KIM JONG-IL c) HOOKER : PIMP d) DOLLAR : STRIPPER 10) If you buy a girl a drink, it is her obligation to…
a) Talk to you for a while b) Say thank you c) Bend over right then and there and fuck your brains out d) Drink it
11) If a man can bench press 250 lbs. and squat 400 lbs. he is probably…
a) Friends with the bouncer b) Gonna get some pussy c) Incapable of reading d) All of the above
12) If you meet a girl at the club, then find out she has kids, you should always…
a) Be supportive of her situation b) Tell her about the dozens of kids you have illegitimately fathered c) Call her a skank ho and move on to the next trick d) Ask to see pictures
13) Nothing can pump up the party quite like…
a) an amazing DJ b) Red Bull and Vodka c) A room full of morally loose blondes d) All of the above
14) When planning to drink alcohol in excess all night long, you must remember to…
a) Pre-hydrate with plenty of fluids b) Make arrangements for a taxicab c) Take your shirt off when you arrive at the club d) Repress your deep homosexual desire for ‘your boys’
15) Weekends were invented in order to…
a) Party like there is no tomorrow b) Provide consecutive days that begin with the letter S c) Appease both the Jews and the Chinese d) Forget your miserable existence, if but for just a few days
ANSWER KEY:
1) If a man leaves a club in Seaside Heights at 1:00AM and is in bed by 1:45AM, he is most likely…
b) A total pussy
Who goes home at 1:00AM? Only a total pussy would leave the club that early, even if he did already pull in some wool.
2) All of the following are acceptable methods of tanning except…
a) Sunbathing on the shore
This is the method of tanning in which you have the least control of the elements. This is also where you risk getting drunk and passing out in the sun, which can ruin an otherwise perfect weekend.
3) Wax is for…
c) My eyebrows
God made wax as an apology to Guidos for giving us the eyebrows of a Neanderthal. Women can shave their legs (and their box – oh yeah!) and museums and bees can do whatever they want with wax, but its best use is taking a once overgrown, jungle-like brow and turning it into a fine thin straight line on the forehead of a Guido.
4) When shaving your chest, always…
We're all FRIENDS, not FAGS!
d) Have your ‘bro’ assist you
The other answers were possible, but this is the obvious choice. Only your best ‘bro’ can get the proper angle for a good shave, especially in the ultra-sensitive nipple area.
5) BITCH : HO as…
d) DOG : PIT BULL
Every girl is a bitch, every dog is a dog. Some bitches are hos and some dogs are pit bulls. And for the record, all skanks are hos.
6) 1+1 equals…
b) What ever the fuck I say it does
You make the rules, not some pussy mathematician. If you’re going to buy into everything other people tell you then I’ve got some oceanfront property in Yonkers I’d like to sell you.
7) What is the next logical number in this sequence - 1,2,4,8,16,32…
c) 69
69 is ALWAYS the correct answer, no matter what the question.
8) If a man rents a Seaside apartment for the summer and pays a security deposit of $1200, how much can he expect to get back?
d) He will owe money
There is no way any self-respecting Guido is going to return that place in anywhere near the condition he rented it in. If you get a penny of your deposit back, you did something wrong. Party hard!
9) RESPECT : WOMEN as…
b) WORLD DOMINATION : KIM JONG-IL
They both want it, but they can’t have it. Boo-yeah!
10) If you buy a girl a drink, it is her obligation to…
c) Bend over right then and there and fuck your brains out
If you even thought about the other options to this question you have failed this test miserably.
11) If a man can bench press 250 lbs. and squat 400 lbs. he is probably…
d) All of the above
Who needs to know how to read when you’re getting into the club for free and bringing home pussy?
12) If you meet a girl at the club, then find out she has kids, you should always…
c) Call her a skank ho and move on to the next trick
Unless you want to get walked in on later that night by some kid wondering why mommy is screaming so much, don’t get involved. There is ALWAYS more tail. Know that.
13) Nothing can pump up the party quite like…
d) All of the above
These are the three keys to a successful night. Come to the shore and live the dream every weekend!
14) When planning to drink alcohol in excess all night long, you must remember to…
c) Take your shirt off when you arrive at the club
You gotta show off the pecs and the nipple ring, right? Well guess what, if you get too drunk you WILL forget. Try tying a string around your finger and telling ‘your boys’ to remind you. (Also, remember “d” as well).
15) Weekends were invented in order to…
a) Party like there is no tomorrow
Tomorrow is a day full of hangovers and regret. Why worry about that? You’ve got tonight! Live it up and party on – forever!
RANK YOUR SCORE:
13-15 correct: Welcome to the Guido Mensa Society. Shave your ass, gel your hair and get to the club ‘cause you’re one of us!
10-12 correct: Trade in your Honda for a Trans Am and shave those fucking shoulders… you’re almost there.
7-9 correct: You think you can just wear a track suit and call yourself a Guido? Try again pal.
4-7 correct: Stay in your little suburban paradise and don’t come out. To us, you’re dead already.
1-3 correct: You know nothing of us or our lifestyle and you are a worthless piece of shit.
0 correct: Go fuck yourself.
Didn’t do so hot? Study up at www.njguido.com and try again!
Great article. But here in Los Angeles, we have the west coast version of the guido: THE ARMENIANS!!!
WTF
It can't be
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:03:43 AM
That site cannot be legit.
Koniver
Guidos
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:07:37 AM
As a local on the jersey shore I can say all of the above are true.
burgh fan
belmar nj
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:17:00 AM
god i miss belmar.......what a haven for guidos that place was......the girls would come back to the shorehouse with bloody arms because the manbeasts arm stubble would make them bleed when they rubbed up against them....always good times.......
Paul
wtf is a guido
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:33:59 AM
Maybe it`s just because I am not from the US but wtf is a "guido"?! Is it a synonym for "tanned greasy guy with muscles all over the place on no brain whatsoever"? Well if that`s the case, those guys don`t really need a special name - they can be found everywhere and WILL be recognized everywhere.
deuce
that site
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:43:19 AM
no way... that site is incredible... scot how did you find that? tpp's consuming most of my internet usage has just come to a screeching halt. it's going to take an article as good as this one to bring me back. nice work.
Jamie
Yep
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Posted: 7/21/2005 8:53:41 AM
I grew up in Ohio and I now live on the shore in Belmar. Guido's would have done well in The Flats in about 1992. Also known as Bennies.
Mike
Guido's in the Flats
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Posted: 7/21/2005 9:32:19 AM
I also grew up in Ohio and now live in Philadelphia which serves as the home base for many a guido in the South Jersey Shore towns, and agree w/ Jamie on his point about the Flats.
If Guido's were investigated by Congress as baseball was, imgaine how many fewer Jersey shore date-rapes there would be. In college it wasn't the athletes that used the steroids, it was the Guidos, presumably in aniticipation of their co-ed softball or flag football games. Respect the triceps (and upside down visor), Bitch.
STEVE
WEAK
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Posted: 7/21/2005 9:55:14 AM
You guys are all a bunch of jealous cunts. Stop hatin on guys that are actually out at the bar gettin laid while you fuckin flamers stand around with your tucked in Henley shirt and braided belt whispering and pointing at the "pretty" girls. Your all fuckin pussies....I gotta go now. I have a spray tan appointment at 10:30. But don't worry guys, some girl out there will go for your killer personality some day. HAHA.
Sick Buddy
No K?
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Posted: 7/21/2005 10:08:12 AM
What about the bumps of cat tranquilizers? You just don't understand the life man...K and G 4EVA!!!
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