The folks in Augusta have the Masters every year. Omaha, Nebraska, has the College World Series every year. Both a spectacle of their respective sport that is embraced by and to an extent defines these towns. Yet a step above both lays the annual Prison Rodeo in McAlester, Oklahoma. Convicts vs. cows in a competition so unmatched in athletic prowess and tradition that even ESPN is doing SportsCenter from there this year on September 2nd. And the prison, known affectionately as Big Mac, does it up right. No taking of the prisoners out to a rodeo arena in town. They simply invite the public inside the walls of the maximum-security prison. What’s more exciting then watching a rodeo where the possibility of being shivved or gang-raped is almost twice as high as any other redneck event?

While many great athletes have graced the state of Oklahoma, Barry Sanders, Troy Aikman, Jim Thorpe, none of them can compare to the men in the prison rodeo. Imagine the effort a lifer is willing to put forth if he can taste just 8 seconds of freedom on the back of a bull. It has to be so much more then what he would exert trying to avoid the Bull Queers day after day. Taking it in the pooper from a 300lb Samoan can make for a long day. Now throw in a pounding from a one-ton bull on top of that and you can bet not even tough NFL hombres like Jamal Lewis or Rae Carruth would be able to handle that. Well maybe those two could. Bad examples.

Money the Hard Way

It really is quite the display. Bulls, blood…(something, something that sounds like a Garth Brooks song.) These men amongst men show they are the toughest by competing for the Heisman of the prison rodeo, the Dufresne. After competing in roping, bronc busting, bull riding, tunnel digging, and avoiding gang rape in the showers the contestant who shows himself best at all these can walk away with the “Andy”. There’s also the event everyone comes to see, Money the Hard Way, where all the inmates get a chance at $100. (The equivalent to a years worth of bitches on the inside) Of course Money the Hard Way does not involve the fun prison way of taking it from behind by a Brahma bull of a man on cell block D, but literally taking the hundy off the horns of a Brahma bull.

One can also see how these hardened men find that after achieving ultimate glory in the prison rodeo life on the outside does not offer the same level of competition or reward. There is a great early 80’s documentary that follows Wes Hightower, a prison rodeo champion, in his exploits after being released from the big house. After realizing he can’t keep Sissie no matter how hard he beats her or beat Bud on a pansy-ass mechanical bull he makes a half-hearted robbery attempt of Gilley’s in an attempt to get thrown back in the joint to face some real competition. Why face some “urban cowboy” on a mechanical bull when Wes can get back to facing some real competition? (Heywood would tell you he’s crazy as a rat in a tin shithouse, but Red would tell you he’s just institutionalized.)

Pansy-Ass Urban Cowboy

And speaking of hardened men, what better way for all those ladies out there to find your next prison pen pal. Talk about finding the right guy to visit conjugally. Looking for a bad boy that isn’t going to leave you anytime soon has never been easier. Yep, men and women, young and old, it doesn’t get any better then the prison rodeo. Time to drop what you are doing for Labor Day and head to McAlester, OK.