At Least They Have Each Other

To the Boston Red Sox,

After a year of putting up with a "Queer Eye" special, 39 different books written about one season, and enough Curt Schilling opinions to kill a horse, it's over.

Being swept by the White Sox? That's what we like to call come-up-ins.

You won the World Series last year. You are not allowed to be sad. Heck, John Miller called you "The Greatest Champions in the History of Sports"; you should still be celebrating your first championship in 86 years (Also, apparently John Miller has never heard of the real greatest champions ever, George Wright's hard-charging Providence Grays, the National League Champions of 1879).

Also, most of America (at least those not in the North Eastern Megalopolis and those who are not executives at FOX) are sick of watching you playing the Yankees.

Granted, the last two years were pretty cool, but let's face it...it's over.

As Jim Caple at ESPN's Page 2 wrote: "Enough already. How could a third episode match the first two? It was rough enough last year without Zim (the Sonny Corleone of the rivalry, always flying off in a rage) but this year there would have been no Pedro to fend off attacks from Bob Sheppard or wax poetic about mango trees. Another Yankees-Red Sox sequel without Pedro? It would have been like Francis Ford Coppola's decision to film Godfather III with his daughter but without Robert Duvall."

And yes, I just quoted from Jim Fucking Caple. I am that lame.

Respectfully,
Alex Fritz
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To the Atlanta Braves,

Kyle Farnsworth? Really? That's your closer?

Sure, the guy has a huge crotch, but his fastball has less movement than... I don't know... something that... doesn't... move... very much (good lord, I suck at analogies.)

What did you expect, then, Atlanta?

You don't win in the playoffs relying on Chicago Cub castaways (Greg Maddux, Mark Grace, and The Eck are exceptions).

Hell, I'm a little worried about having Mark "Lazy Eye" Grudzielanek and Julian Tavarez on the Cardinals.

And neither of them (hopefully) will be playing as important of a role against the Astros as Kyle "The Basket" Farnsworth did.

Kyle Farnsworth? You guys got what you deserved.

Do I smell a Sequal?

Eat it,
Alex Fritz
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To the San Diego Padres,

First of all, I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice of the Cardinals, was it?

However, knowing the good people of Whale's Vagina, I'm sure they're already over the loss.

But if you're not over it already, here's what I want you to do:

1) Sleep in a little bit, get yourself together, and head down to El Zarape's for some fish tacos.
2) Go surfing.
3) Go down to the Gaslamp. Get some dinner at Croce's (the New York Prime is superb) and then go out and get some drinks.
4) At some point in time remember that you live in the coolest city in America, and that the people in St. Louis may have a better baseball team, but they are all freezing their asses off and they are most definitely not surfing.

Then, I am quite certain you will feel better about yourself.

Jealously,
Alex Fritz
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To the New York Yankees,

Tough loss. Sometimes, even the best of us get beaten.

On the bright side, it's not like you guys spent $230 million to put this team together. If that was the case, then losing in the first round would simply be un-fucking-acceptable.

Wait? What's that?

Oh...nevermind.

Laters,
Alex Fritz
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Good first round, people. The non-excitement generated in both the Cardinals and White Sox series was basically whitewashed by an unbelievable 18-inning extravaganza between the Astros and Braves, plus an epic Game Five featuring the Yanks and Angels.

Huge White Sox Fan

This should be one hell of an LCS in both leagues. The Cards and 'Stros locked up in a classic last October and they know each other well.

Meanwhile, the Angels take on the White Sox and God only knows what will happen in that series (I'm going to guess that the Ligue family will somehow get involved...somebody warn Bud Black.)

Should be fun.