Hai, Miyagi have hope for you.

The title says it all folks. No tricky slogans for us today. We're here to discuss bad dressers on the sidelines, in the booth, and on the playing fields. It is what it is, so let's get down to brass tacks.

(Have I mentioned that I love clichés?)

It's time to lace up those L.A. Gear high-tops and take it to the courts, so to speak. But lace 'em up tight before you do, 'cause they're all you got out there.

To guide us through the worst dressed men in sports list, I've decided to employ the Pat Morita Grading System (patent pending). In doing so, I've grouped each offender listed below according to their levels of achievement and ability. Beginning with the lowly but formidable "white belts" and then working my way up in skill-level to the infamous "black belt" category, this just might be the most comprehensive list ever compiled on the topic.

(Twenty Second Timeout: I'm so excited right now. I imagine I feel like Michael Jackson felt the day he guest-hosted Romper Room. Only my pee-pee has never been compared to a barbershop pole. A mushroom cap in high grass, maybe, but never a pole-like object. Unfortunately.)

Now happens to be a great time during the sporting calendar year to fully discuss this matter. Why? Because so much is still fresh in our minds. A full season of college and professional football still lurks in our short-term memory; baseball's opening day is hiding just around the corner; we're under a proverbial pile-on of college basketball games and, oh yeah, a bunch of golf. Which, by the way, has no definitive beginning or ending to its "season." I don't care what those nerds on the Golf Channel say.

What about the NBA, you ask? I pretend it doesn't exist and so should you, but I'm not here to lecture.

Before we proceed, like any good lapse Catholic, I feel the need to come clean. Upon taking all of this in, I feel like the desperate man who walks into a "legitimate" massage parlor - in need of a release. If it were up to me, my "release" would come from watching the following individuals be forced to stand still for a Pat Morita crane kick to the balls.

Let's do this:

THE WHITE BELTS

Name: Kirk Triplett
Occupation: Professional Golfer

Kirk, my man, you look like the hybrid miracle child of Gilligan and some promiscuous delegate from the 1972 Democratic National Convention. Ahhh, George McGovern, he caused people to do crazy things, didn't he? Like vote en masse for Nixon. I respect Triplett's determination to go with a look and stick with it. Unfortunately for him and his family, it's just a really shitty one.





Name: Kenny Perry
Occupation: Professional Golfer

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. With a name like that you were born with UNLIMITED potential. But for some reason you defiantly wear really ugly golf shirts. Like the ones a best man would hand out to the groomsmen just before teeing off in Vegas on a bachelor party weekend. I'm assuming Kenneth has no friends. Why? Because if he did, they would've held an intervention / bonfire to eliminate his putrid wardrobe.







Name: Jesper Parnevik
Occupation: Professional Golfer

Tour de Parnevik? Hey Jesper, you're a golfer, not a member of the U.S. Postal Service cycling team. Lose the painter's hat. And YES, it is your baby. Don't be cheap with the alimony.









THE YELLOW BELTS

Name: Al Skinner
Occupation(s): Head Basketball Coach, Boston College, Freelancing Can-Opener

Al Skinner's actually a TERRIBLE dresser but our research staff couldn't find a photo to corroborate that accusation. They've subsequently been fired and replace by illegals from Mexico. But the beauty about Al is that he didn't even need a bad uni shot to get him on this list. His big giant TEEF did that for him all by themselves. Look at those chompers. Geezuz. Al, do yourself a favor and grab the yellow pages; it's spelled: o-r-t-h-o-d-o-n-t-i-s-t.

I threw out my mock turtleneck approximately four years ago after wearing it only three times, each to voluminous amounts of humbling criticism. It was a bad purchase. Simple as that. What can I say, everybody makes mistakes. But at least I learned from it. Some, however, have yet to get the mock message. Unfortunately, we live in a society where on any given evening one can turn on ESPN's college basketball broadcast and be forced to watch a mock turtleneck-clad coach lurking on the sidelines in one of these puppies. The following are the three biggest perpetrators:




Name: Larry Eustachy
Occupation(s): Head Basketball Coach, Southern Mississippi, Philanderer

Last seen attacking co-eds at a postgame frat party like Joe Namath attacked Suzy Kolber, Larry Eustachy was the reigning King of the Mock. That is until he got banned from college basketball of course. I was looking for him to show up on a playground somewhere like Nick Nolte in Blue Chips trying to coach little kids. Only with Eustachy, instead of heeding his advice, they'd ask him what the hell he's wearing and then taunt him off the court.

Then Southern Miss hired him. The Athletic Director must've been smoking what USM alum Brett Favre was huffing down before that Packers-Vikings playoff game.




Name: Mike Brey
Occupation: Head Basketball Coach, Notre Dame

I don't understand how Notre Dame's boosters allow Mike Brey to represent the school dressed like he does. Maybe it's because all their attention has been focused on ND's crown jewel: the football program, and how it has become increasingly apparent that it's damned to eternal mediocrity. Hee hee, go Irish.








Name: Bob Huggins
Occupation: Head Basketball Coach, Cincinnati

"Bugsy's" nightly choices of regalia capture perfectly the essence that is the University of Cincinnati. A little sidebar: Huggy Bear has graduated twenty-three players in fourteen seasons as the Head Coach at Cincinnati. Yeah, you read that right, twenty-three. For all you art majors out there in the readership, with the average team comprising thirteen players, that's a graduation rate of 12.6%. The Alcatraz High School equivalency program has now outperformed for three years running.

In June of 2004, police pulled Coach Huggins over after some suspicious driving behavior. They reported he had slurred speech and there was vomit on the driver's door. That's always a nice touch. The report said Huggins was stopped because his car was straying out of its lane, and he sat at a light for ten seconds after it turned green. Maybe he was just being cautious? Cops, are always jumping to conclusions. Persecuting bastards.

Upon inspection, the officers reported a strong smell of alcohol, which prompted them to administer the field test. Huggins had slurred speech and red, watery eyes, the report said. Officers said he "staggered" out of the car and couldn't keep his balance during the sobriety test. Asked to recite the alphabet from the letter "E" through "P," Huggins said, "E, F, G, H, I, K, L, N, Z," according to the police report. Asked to count backward from 67 to 54, he counted from 62 to 52.

Is he skipping class with his players, too? Geezuz Bob.

(Twenty Second Timeout: To be honest with you, I'm exhausted and we're not even up to the goddamned "blue belts" yet. Speaking of blue belts, have you ever met one? I never even knew this rank existed until I researched karate belts on the internet. Yeah, I ad