What's the most serious threat facing America today? Is it attacks from foreign terrorists on our shores? Cutthroat oil conglomerates driving up the price of gas and choking us at the pump? The destabilization of world economic markets? Bears? None of the above, my friends; we are threatened by the insidious foe of crotch fires.

What exactly is a crotch fire, you ask? It's not to be confused with "fire crotch," i.e., lipstick-lesbian redheads. No, crotch fire is more dangerous and less attractive on the cover of "Elle" magazine. And it's just as deadly as "Georgia Rule 2: Russia Strikes Back."

Crotch fire is the common-vernacular term for what scientists might call "spontaneous penis combustion." They would call it that, not just to be elitist but also because they refuse to acknowledge its existence. Therefore, it has no scientific name per se, but we are working on spreading the word about crotch fire (though not the actual phenomenon itself. That would be ghastly).

Crotch fire is an event in which the hairs of the male genitalia, suddenly and without warning, catch fire. Think of it as an Indian rug-burn for your junk, and you get the idea. No one knows what causes it, because no one has ever had it.

You heard me right, folks; no one has ever registered an actual case of "crotch fire" in the annals of medical history. "Surely," you say with a sigh of relief, "that means it doesn't pose a threat, right?" Wrong, mister. Dead wrong.

Did anyone seriously consider that terrorists would attack New York City on 9/11? Besides the FBI, CIA, both the Clinton and Bush administrations, and various other intelligence-gathering bodies in the US and abroad? Hell no, they didn't, and I'm not too sure that the organizations I just named took the threat seriously, either. So who the fuck knows when crotch fires could break out? You could be at home, casually stroking your meat while watching something pornographic in nature (Debbie Does Dallas,Playboy's Girls of Cancun, Truffaut's The 400 Blows), and suddenly that warm sensation you feel between your legs is a full-blown inferno of pain. You won't be able to think about two girls making out without recalling the smell of burning pubic hair and the sound of the 911 operator's laugh as you explain your ailment.

It's time for America to be put on notice: crotch fires are real, in a theoretical sense. Also, premature ejaculation could lead to bear attacks. Think about it: a bear could come along just as you spill your precious semen and start licking it up, mistaking it for honey. His pride and manly bear status demands that he remove you from various parts of your body once he realizes his faux pas. You might also want to avoid using the phrase "faux pas" around said bear; he doesn't care much for the French (a well-known fact amongst zoologists).

So be aware, America; watch your crotches. It could be the only thing standing between you and crotch fires, as well as bear attacks. Also, be on the lookout for carpal tunnel syndrome in your wrists. But mostly, keep alert for crotch fires.