Let's get ready to whore out!

When you think about it, a bachelorette party is the single guy’s ultimate scenario. A parade of drunken, sexually charged females roaming the bar in celebration of their friend’s upcoming wedding. They just had a private party at a nearby apartment in which they exchanged various sex toys and masturbation aides. From there, they took it to the strip club and watched very gay, but scantily clad muscular men dance and wave their limp junk in their faces. Now they are all here, under the same roof as you, and every one of them is drinking from straws shaped like penises. Talk about a silver platter.

But how do you penetrate this posse (pun and semi-homonym intended)? Where do you begin? Well, for starters you must identify the elements at work. A bachelorette party is a vast array of quiet desperation and screaming insecurities. It is a group of women that are openly embracing all things phallic. It is a “girl’s night out” with no repercussions. In short, when properly understood, it is a wide open playing field.

Here’s your playbook:

The Maid of Honor

This is her party. She orchestrated it, paid for it and she’ll be damned if she’s going to let you come along and ruin it. Identify her as soon as possible. Depending on the general level of debauchery, she can be a great ally. In other cases she can be your worst enemy. It is generally best to avoid going after her unless it becomes apparent that she is in a competition with the bachelorette, in which case this can be exploited to your advantage. A key signal to look for is constant attempts to draw attention to herself, often by engaging in sexually suggestive behavior and even flashing. In such cases she is an easy mark.

The Screamer

Every twenty-seconds she holds her drink in the air and shouts, “Whoooo!” in the most obnoxious, high-pitched squeal known to man. You cleverly state that you’ve got something to shut her up while grabbing your scrotum, much to the delight of your buddies. Somewhere across the bar a voice yells out, “This isn’t a rollercoaster, bitch!” Still, her incessant screaming continues until finally she has one shot too many and quiets down. At this point she’s easily approachable, but remember that shrieking voice, and keep in mind that’s what you’ll hear if you take her home. Think twice about this one.

The Secretary

She’s the insecure one that isn’t very comfortable drinking a virgin strawberry daiquiri through a long, thick, black straw. She probably has short hair and glasses. Her relationship with the bachelorette had previously been restricted to the work environment, so she’s still in a state of shock. If you can get her to shun the non-alcoholic drinks she can become the life of the party, but it won’t be easy. For those of you out there that love a challenge, this is it. For the rest of you, there are plenty of other girls in the party that are a lot easier to obtain.

The Drunk

Bye-bye inhibitions!

If she manages not to pass out she’s an easy play. However, her overprotective friends may guard her from your advances like the treasure that she ain’t. Regardless, she really isn’t worth pursuing. Even if you do leave the bar with her you’ll feel more like a trainer carrying an injured player off the field than anything else. By the time you make it to your car she’ll be sound asleep, and now she’s your responsibility plus there is better than a fifty-percent chance she’ll vomit on your floorboards. Save yourself the trouble.

The Bitter Divorcee

She doesn’t know what everyone’s getting so worked up about. After all, in a year’s time the bachelorette’s husband is just going to end up cheating on her with his co-worker. You can identify her by her constant sneers and the fact that she’s drinking Scotch on the rocks. Despite her unapproachable appearance, she is actually the most likely to go home with you that night. If you find yourself in such a situation, abandon all thoughts of a soft, gentle sexual encounter. She wants one thing and one thing only- a good old fashioned hate fuck. Plan accordingly.

The Born Again

Formerly The Drunk, she has since changed her ways and now answers to a higher calling. She’s the one in the white sweater with the pearl necklace. Play your cards right with this one and you can give her a different kind of pearl necklace later on. This is a delicate dance, and again should only be attempted by those who are in search of a challenge. The advantage here is that if you manage to convince her to revert to her old ways, you’ll unleash a lion of sexual energy. The disadvantage is that she’ll then expect you to convert and marry her.

The Thickie

Also known as The Biggie and The Heifer she is the easiest to identify. She’s listed on Match.com as having “a few extra pounds”, but the reality is she’s got a few dozen extra pounds. This is nothing that a few extra beers on your end can’t erase. She probably even has a cute face and if you approach her there is a very good chance she’ll be encouraged by her friends to “go for it.” However, while she’s heavy on a scale, she’s light on experience. You’ll have to make all the moves and play the role of teacher on this one. Still, if that’s your thing, this is your girl.

The Whore

She’s dirty. Very dirty. She’s the one that keeps bringing everyone up to the bar and ordering Blowjob Shots. Also look for visible tattoos and excessive cleavage. While she wears sex on her sleeve, she actually only goes for a specific type of guy- her counterpart, The Male Whore. To close the deal on this one not only must you must speak her language, but you must have the look. Tattoos, hair gel, and Hepatitis are traits that she is naturally drawn to. And while she’s had many sexual escapades in her days it’s worth noting that in her mind no one will ever compare to her first time- with her stepfather.

1000 words isn't enough for this

The Bachelorette

The woman of the hour, she’s had sex thrown in her face all evening. Depending on a wide range of factors she’s is either off limits or fair game. It is not recommended that you make any advances toward her, if for no other reason just because it’s bad form. However, in some cases she may be encouraged to come on to you. In such instances, all bets are off. It isn’t your fault that she’s a hooker. If anything, perhaps the sap she’s going to marry will find out about it and save himself the trouble of marrying this slut. You’d actually be doing him a favor. In any event, should the bride-to-be end up with you at the end of the evening, remember- karma is a bitch. Unless you intend to grow a mustache, live on a houseboat and remain single the rest of your life think twice before bedding the woman of the hour. Or bang the shit out of her, what do I care.

So there you have it. Next time you see that group of women parading through the bar, ordering shots for the one in the veil, remember this list and put it to use. Then be sure to come back and comment on your experience below. Also feel free to add your list of supporting players.