I am a large man. That doesn't happen by accident. I have been working on this for years and years, and have put in a lot of research. As such, I have realized that there are keys to reaching and maintaining this state. One of these keys is proper selection and management of a Chinese buffet.

Some people may believe that this is as simple as walking into any Tom, Dick or Chong restaurant that happens to have a couple chafing dishes. Those people are wrong. Dead wrong. To fully enjoy the Chinese buffet experience, it takes preparation and dedication. I am here to be the Paulie to your Rocky, the Miyagi (RIP) to your Daniel-son, the fluffer to your Peter North. I am here to properly prepare you for the experience that is . . . the Chinese buffet.

Scouting
Just as in real estate and corpse disposal, the key to finding the right Chinese buffet is location, location, location. All proper Chinese buffets are located in strip malls. If they can afford a stand-alone location, they’re way too high-class to be a good Chinese buffet. And I’m not talking about these “lifestyle shopping experiences,” which are weird yuppie recreations of downtowns or something. Remember, if you can see a Banana Republic from the window, it’s not a proper Chinese Buffet. It should be in a fairly run-down location, if not an outright ghetto. A good way to determine if your new buffet is in the right place is to count the check-cashing places within five blocks. Fewer than two? Too high class. More than 5? Not safe. Somewhere in between? As our lovely young Goldilocks would tell you, this place is just right.

However, despite what I said last paragraph, location isn’t everything when finding the right Chinese buffet. The other rule to remember is naming. If the place doesn’t have the words “China” (or “Chinese”) and “Buffet” in its actual name, forget about it. The “Hunan Golden Sun Dragon” down the street may have the best Tso’s you’ve ever tasted, but their buffet is sure to disappoint. Try the “China Buffet” a couple blocks over for the real deal (Don’t worry if they throw other words in, like “Italian-American” or “Taco Stand”. This is to confuse the amateurs. You see “China,” you see “Buffet,” you see good eating).

Consumption
Now that you’ve found your buffet, let’s get started. I have found that interior décor is not a reliable indicator of good buffet, one way or the other. I’ve eaten myself to bulimia in the fancy places with bridges over koi ponds, and the places with linoleum floors and fluorescent lighting. So whatever the place looks like, pick a table and sit down.

You can’t go wrong with your beverage. Your true A-1 Chinese buffets will give you the drink with the food, but if not, and you’re short on cash, you’ll be OK with water. Otherwise, splurge and get a soft drink of your choice. And Mr. Fancy-Pants, do not order tea. You’ll look like an ass, and they’re just going to bring you some hot water with dirt in it anyway. Save that shit for a real restaurant.

Now we move on to the actual buffet. The first rule is to block out your mother’s voice in your head telling you to have some salad. For one thing, the month-old iceberg and shaved carrots don’t really count as salad. For another, if we were trying to be healthy, we’d be at Juice ‘n’ Fiber. We’re here to eat crap. Plus, we’ll actually be at the salad bar later, so don’t worry about it.

That's What I'm Talking About

No, our first trip up is not about rabbit food, it’s about laying a foundation. Going to a buffet is sort of like drinking in some ways. When you’re out to tie a good one on, you start out with a nice hi-test microbrew, one that actually tastes good. Then, as your taste buds cease functioning as the evening moves on, you slide down the swill-o-meter until you end up passing a 40 of Cobra back and forth with the “lovely” young lady you won in a pool game at the last bar. The parallel in the world of Chinese buffet is to start with the stuff you know you like. A good Chinese buffet is a world of mystery and confusion, but there are always the standbys that you can feel safe with. Have some fried dumplings, some boneless riblets, a couple dim sum if they have them. Then retreat to your table. Don’t feel the need to attack everything at once. Like any battle, there are stages.

This brings me to a small side point that some people seem to forget. Don’t question what meat you’re eating at a Chinese buffet. If it doesn’t say, assume its pork or chicken and eat it. If it doesn’t taste good, don’t finish it. If you spend too much time analyzing the content of what you’re eating, your gluttonous fun will be over before it’s begun.

OK, like a good painter, you’ve finished your base coat, and you’re moving back for Round 2. This is where the challenges begin. The first trip up, you knew where you were headed. Now you’re in uncharted waters. Fortunately, your trusty guide, the Sacajawea of Sterno, is here to help you out.

When you’re on Trip 2, you might not know what it is you’re putting on your plate. That’s OK, as long as you follow these simple rules

- If it’s steamed, avoid it. Again, the steamed chicken at Golden Moon may be to die for, but we’re talking buffet chicken here, which makes the stuff at Taco Bell look like grade A fowl. If it hasn’t been fried one way or another, don’t allow it on your plate.
- Stay on the continent. Many “Chinese” buffets have tried to draw families by adding things their porky little kids will eat, things like pizza and cheeseburgers, to their offerings. Avoid these at all costs. Remember when Burger King sold tacos? Exactly. Stick with the Asian food.
- Get your money’s worth – avoid pure starches. I don’t care if you think fried rice is the best thing since slow-mo porn, do not waste the space on it. You can get fried rice anywhere, it costs them a nickel a ton. All it’s going to do is sit in your stomach and swell up, taking away space from other things. The noodles may look wonderful, but they’re just flour in soy sauce and are going to occupy valuable real estate in your tum tum. If there’s sauce on your plate, leave it there or use your fingers. We’re not here to be polite.
- Generally stay on dry land. No matter how tempting the Happy Sea Family looks sitting there, bits of krab and lawbster floating in an unidentifiable off-white sauce, remember where you are. If these people can afford to let you eat all that you can (and more importantly, let Ricki Lake behind you eat as much as she can), chances are this is not top-of-the-line seafood. Exceptions can be made for fried shrimp, and possibly fried scallops, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

Alternative Usage

Following these simple rules, your second trip up can be an amazing adventure of discovery, finding new and exciting fried things you can’t describe, or possibly guess what’s inside. All you know about what you’re putting in your mouth is: it’s crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and makes you happy. Don’t bother trying to get the names of what you just ate, because the labels at Chinese buffets are notoriously incorrect. The reason the “Chicken Ball” tasted just like the “Veggie Morsel” is because they’re probably just the same thing.

Now that you’ve found all that your buffet has to offer, it’s time to end the main portion of the program with a final trip. By this point you’re not sure if you have any room left, but goddam it, you paid $5.95! If you need to go take a dump to clear up some space, by all means do so. Just wipe thoroughly before and after.

Now you’re ready for your final assault on the main tables. This is basically a third verse, same as the first. We’re looking to give ourselves warm memories, so we’re going to get stuff we know we like. Now, though, we have the knowledge based on the second trip as well, so we can expand our “safe list” to include the specialties of this particular smorgasbord. We are filling up quickly here, so we’ll probably<