Everyone has their own technique for how they tip in restaurants. You have your occasional big shots and cheapskates, but generally the old "double the tax" or "$1 per drink" is a safe approach for rewarding acceptable service. However, what happens when the wait staff just isn't up to snuff? Do you give them extra money simply for having the privilege of sitting in the restaurant, regardless of whether or not they can do their job? Hell no, you don't!

Here is a useful tipping system for when the service turns sour. The majority of these have been field-tested, but your individual results may vary. Feel free to print this out and keep it in your wallet or purse for use during that final, awkward moment when the bumbling waiter does his "tip dance"-- asking if there will be "anything else", and then coyly placing the bill on the table. What will you do, Mr. or Mrs. Disgruntled Diner?

Here are some options, starting from the least extreme and then spiraling downward into outright unnecessary nastiness. Ensure that you never want to return to a particular restaurant before attempting any of the following:

6) Change Must Come From Within: For cash transactions, this means that when you get your change back, you slide the paper money out from under the coins, fold it, and put it right into your pocket or purse. When using a credit card, simply round the total up to the nearest dollar.

5) A Penny For Your Thoughts: Taking the change approach one drastic step further, you won't be able to claim ignorance if the waiter calls you out on this one. Once you pay your bill, place a single, shiny penny right on top of your receipt, or add $0.01 to the "TIP" line on your credit card slip. That's it! Simple, but to the point.

4) The Martha Stewart: Pay your bill and pocket all of your change. On a napkin, preferably in cursive handwriting, write a thank you note to the waiter for his attempt, offering some suggestions as to how he can better serve customers in the future. Present a big, fake smile to all of the restaurant employees as you leave the premises, and if you really feel like letting out your inner snobby bitch, you may offer a consoling handshake without making direct eye contact.

3) The Boxed Lunch: To be used when the quality of the food has been particularly horrendous, this approach will drive home the point that you wouldn't even serve this food to your dog. Ask the waiter to "box up", or get a doggie bag for your leftovers. Once you have them in hand, write the following on the carton: "I'm running a little low on cash, but I want you to have these tasty morsels in lieu of a tip as a token of my appreciation. I hope that you enjoy this as much as I did. Thanks!"

2) The Water Boy: If your waiter has been impolite to you, appears to be in a shitty mood, has an insufficient number of “pieces of flair” on his uniform, etc., you can help to brighten his day by setting up the following. Ask the waiter to refill your water glass. Using a laminated drink menu or table placard, cover the top of the glass and turn the glass upside down, holding it tightly. Quickly place the inverted glass onto the table, sliding it inward from the table edge. Once it is in place, lightly push down on the glass and quickly pull the menu out. When done correctly, the water should still be in the upside down glass, but cannot be picked up without spilling all of the water. For an added bonus, write: "TIP: Go get a mop!" on a napkin and leave it next to the glass. This one can backfire on you, so use caution. You may need to weigh plastic cups down with something bulky, such as a plate or napkin holder. Now quickly leave the restaurant--things are about to get ugly!

1) The Negative Tip: Although this could technically be considered stealing, the Negative Tip allows you the freedom to pay what you feel to be the fair market value of your dining experience. If you feel that something was lacking, simply deduct it from the total cost of the meal. If the total of the meal is $26, but you feel that a $5 negative tip is in order because your Bloomin’ Onion had a toenail clipping in it, leave exactly $21 and a notation of the -$5 on the bill. This is a bit riskier when using a credit card, but the premise is the same. Simply write a negative value on the TIP line and be sure to write the new total in clear, large letters so the thieving bastard (not you--the waiter!) can't write in a new total and foil your plan. Now get the fuck outta Dodge!

NOTE: For the safety of you and the other diners in your party, you should carefully assess the situation before executing your plan. Chances are, if the waiter has the gusto to mistreat and disregard the customers, he won’t have a problem with punching you in the teeth even if it means that he’ll be fired from his job. Watch out for waiters who appear intoxicated and/or high on methamphetamines, are adorned with excessive tattoos on their arms, hands, neck or face, or who look like they could kick the shit out of Tank Abbott in a UFC cage match. “Funny” takes a sharp right turn once you are tackled to the ground and pummeled by someone wearing a McDonald’s uniform in front of a restaurant full of shocked patrons. Always remember: Safety first!!!