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Graffiti artists have more integrity
I should’ve gone to Art School like my parents said, but no, I had to move to a fucking college town in the middle of nowhere and spend my nights tattooing the most cliché things onto these predictable drunk losers. Jesus Christ, is it the weekend already? That means another 48 hours of fraternity pledges coming in and wasting my time.
Do you know why I won’t tattoo you when you’re drunk? It’s not because “it thins your blood,” it’s because you’re an asshole and I don’t want you in my shop. Goddamn it, no other artist has to suffer through this shit! If I have another twenty-year old Trustafarian getting a Phish tattoo I’m going to fucking snap. No other respectable artist has to deal with his or her canvass being a fat girl's ass crack, not even Chris Ofili.
Just pick something and please try to be original. Here's a very abridged list of what you should avoid.
Drama Masks - You’re trying to convey your dualism and your respect for the theatrical arts on the small of your back? If by "dualism" you mean it acts as a tramp brand and money shot target, and you consider gonzo porn theatrical—you might just be on to something.
Picture of Your Kid – What the fuck are you going to do when your kid grows up and you’re embarrassing him with his baby picture on your arm fat. David Wells threw a perfect game and he's still an embarrassment to his son. What have you done?
Girlfriend's Initials – You can't be serious. Is this your first girlfriend? That relationship won't last as long as the scabs on the tattoo. Don’t worry, right after you break up we can cover it up with that 8 Ball you’ve had your eye on.
Tribal – I’m sure the Natives would be proud that you’re honoring their tradition by putting a Mayan symbol for thief on your shoulder blade.
Barbed wire – Wow, what a badass! You have the same tattoo as Pam Anderson!! Guess what? Since I haven’t changed the needle in two weeks you too have hepatitis!
Flower/Butterfly/Moon – Listen tubby, unless you want a sunflower patch, Mothra, or a FULL-fucking-moon, I can't do anything with those cankles. Come back when you dropped the Freshmen 15 with your Sophmore eating disorder.
American Flag– I know you’re Proud to be an American but these tattoos went out of style the same year as your mullet haircut.
Confederate Flag – You can’t have Southern pride if you live in Oregon! The irony is that while you're getting an overpriced tattoo that will prevent you from running for office (unless you’re a Republican), a black guy is fucking your girlfriend in your dorm room.
Skull/Crossbones – I know you really love “Pirates of the Caribbean” but it’s a fucking kids movie you asshole! A real pirate doesn’t pay for his tattoo with his parent’s credit card.
Dragon - The D & D kids will be thoroughly impressed. Now you have something as permanent as your virginity
Sports Team – (The Yankees, Red Sox, Texas Longhorn symbol upside down). How about I just tattoo the bandwagon instead.
Latin Words or Phrases – Not Carpe Diem again! Don’t you understand that trying to use foreign words to sound intelligent is a faux paux? “Caveat Emptor” because I gave you Fides Crumens Perdo instead.
Chinese Symbol – I only know how to draw one Chinese symbol and it stands for Faggot.
Cartoon Character – Okay, which one of your parents touched you?
Naked ladies – I know you want to be able to “make her dance.” How about I make her like one of the “ladies” you normally date…I’ll add a black eye, her 14-year-old son, and a restraining order.
Anchor – The last tattoo you see as you peek into a glory hole at a New Jersey rest stop.
Teardrop – In prison this signifies that you’ve killed somebody. But if a Native American gets a tear tattoo it only symbolizes that he littered.
Let's hear what you can't believe people get tattooed...
accurate. excellent. funny. to the point. (teardrop & cartoon character were the best- nice job).
addition: a "star" - we get it, you're hip.
J-Dub
Greek
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Posted: 10/10/2006 8:19:27 AM
Any Greek letter. Nothing like permanently painting your beloved frat somewhere on your body. After 5-long years of college you will never talk with these guys again. For some reason when I was in school it became acceptable for men to get their frat tattooed on their ankles. How fucking bad does that suck today? Before I start getting railed for this, I was a frat guy. SAE for life......Phi Alpha fuckers!!!!!!!!
Nate
Sweet barbed wire...
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Posted: 10/10/2006 8:44:05 AM
I agree with deuce, that was one that I thought about getting maybe 5 years ago; so glad I didn't now. Everyone skinny hipster with horn-rim glasses and dirty Chucks on has one. Also:
A white person with gothic lettering on his stomach A real mean looking feline: Panther, tiger, jaguar etc. Bar codes Harley symbols Not ony sports teams, but their mascots as well
Eugene
This was week and boring
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Posted: 10/10/2006 9:16:29 AM
There were a couple of decent lines in this all around uninspired piece. If this was written in 1991, it may have gotten a few laughs. The topic was boring and the discussion was unimaginative. As I said, there were a couple of ok lines, so you might have potential. It's time for you to elevate son.
Grade: C
Tom A
Ironic?
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Posted: 10/10/2006 9:48:12 AM
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and say that this:
"Don’t you understand that trying to use foreign words to sound intelligent is a faux *paux*?"
is hilarious.
P.S. J-Dub - how's your "acute sense of propriety" holding up?
wesquared
Bad Judgement
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Posted: 10/10/2006 9:50:29 AM
Tattoos - permanent proof of temporary insanity (hmmm - what should I do? Spend my parents' hard-earned cash on getting my teeth fixed or should I get that Yosemite Sam backed by the Confederate battle flag tattoo?)
vertigo
not bad
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Posted: 10/10/2006 10:13:52 AM
pretty good stuff.
I would get a tattoo but my parents gave me enough attention as a child.
Tom A
Last Pic Caption
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Posted: 10/10/2006 10:25:16 AM
In India, the butterfy is a symbol for youthful vitality; in Iowa, a symbol for "skank who will let you go ass to mouth for $3 to feed her meth habit."
antony
i find that the worst tats
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Posted: 10/10/2006 11:12:27 AM
are when people get ny yankee "NY" tattooed on them, and then try to justify by saying something like "Yo I'm from Queens dog...I gotta represent the streets." it's especially good when it's someone i've known all my life and i remind them that they may have been born in a hospital on the out-skirts of Queens, but they only spent about 6 months in Poughkeepsie before their parents decided to try and raise their child in something other than a shit-hole. die yankee scum, die, die, die. best tat i ever saw- one my junior Marines got "100% Puerto Rican" tattooed across his bicept. His nickname before this was "casper". He was from Florida. His parents were from Florida. His girlfriend in highschool...had an aunt from Puerto Rico.
Milton
Bands
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Posted: 10/10/2006 12:07:49 PM
Tattoos of the Stones or The Killers, etc. should be inked with Mercury.
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