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How I roll, natch.
Bumper stickers are a lot like tattoos. Not only have I never seen a cool one, but they say a lot about you. Wedding Crashers referenced this with the tramp stamp. But now we all know that a teardrop tattoo on your eye means you've killed a few Crips in your day, a barbed wire tattoo more than likely means you were in college in the mid 90's (and you now hate yourself), and a tattoo on your upper neck means you're a scumbag trying to hide hickeys (sorry Delonte West)
Thankfully you all have me to depend on. I'll break down how you should drive in relation to the cars and bumper stickers around you.
Jesus Bumper Stickers - Reckless, stay away: People with Jesus related bumper stickers are notoriously the craziest of all drivers. Why? The Lord is riding shotgun. They're the most likely to try and take a left on red causing a deadly wake of destruction behind them while they cruise off to prayer circle. Ironically, someone will place crosses at the scene of the accident.
My Child Is The Student Of The Month - Too passive, don't drive behind: These guys routinely drive 5 miles under the speed limit so the Margaret L. Donovan Elementary School Spelling Bee Champion doesn't get whiplash. Pass them immediately or you're stuck behind the student council car pool all afternoon.
Array Of Jamband Stickers - Distracted, avoid being around at all costs: Between wondering how much they should sell their heady ganja gooballs for this summer, settling down the puppy, trying to remember the exact setlist of that "killer" Cornell Dead show in '77, and wondering whether their 6 month old daughter Moonbeam is too young to bring on tour, how could they be expected to stay in their own lane? Plus there's a 97% chance the car's engine is in worse shape than Trey Anastasio's right nostril and is prone to break down on short notice at any time.
Leftist Political Stickers - Too passive, don't drive behind: These drivers are more likely to be cut-off than anyone else. It's not that they're cool with it, it's that they're too busy thinking of a clever way to put criticisms of the new Democratically controlled government onto a new bumper sticker. Also, cars running on Canola Oil don't have much pickup.
Fraternity and Sorority letters - carelees and rich, get the hell away: I got rid of the frats because most are smart enough to realize that the time they did the elephant walk during pledging won't get them a job after they graduate. Sorority sisters are a different breed. You never want to be stuck next to them when, like, "my little calls to tell me that her grandbig, who's my big was a total bitch to her little who's also my grandlittle, so I'm kind of conflicted as to whose side I'm on". That usually results in a few cars barreling towards a telephone pole.
Right Wing Political Stickers - Very careless, avoid: Anyone with a George W Bush sticker obviously hasn't been paying attention. What makes you think they're looking where they're driving?
Pet Related Bumper Stickers - Unpredictable, stay away as a precautionary measure: Pet people are really weird, but you can assume that one's who advertise the fact on their car are a bit off kilter. If it's a cat related, get the fuck away. I don't trust a cat lady behind the wheel of anything other than a shopping cart. If the number of dog related bumper stickers are less than, or equal to 2, you're OK. If it's more than that, get as far away as you can. Insane dog people have no regard for human life. They often watch the news and cry when hearing stories of mistreated dogs but change the channel when there are stories about mistreated toddlers.
Cheeky, Witty Comment - Run over: What's the matter, did your World of Warcraft account run up? Get a website, dork.
Posts: 1714 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:24:58 AM
As retarded as I think bumper stickers are, I would have to say the white plastic logos that people plaster over the entire back window are much worse. Nothing cries idiot like a giant Nike swoosh or Honda in big block lettering. I have never understood why people feel the need to advertise they are actually driving a Honda when everyone can clearly see its a Honda???
Posts: 92 Rank: 3129 Joined:
1/3/2007
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:11:18 AM
Symbolize lots of pent up hate and rage toward others. These stickers are malicious and are an argument waiting to happen. These drivers never had a way to let out all of their anguish so they decided to put a sticker on the back of their car that cries out hate...
Posts: 35 Rank: 208 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Douglasville, GA
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:23:02 AM
The people with all the logos are called mexicans.
So much more material to work with here...
Confederate Flag stickers - Try to avoid, but this may prove difficult. 99.9% chance this will be on a lifted full-size truck. Should you try and pass this individual, his Small Penis Syndrome may kick in, causing him to either pass you right back, or tailgate you until one of you leaves the road, voluntary or otherwise. Confrontation will usually involve racial epithets and/or "your mom" slurs.
"How's My Driving" stickers - This depends on whether you can actually read the number to report or not. If yes, the driver will most likely be responsible and courteous. If not, that vehicle is 5 owners removed from any sort of governing body, and probably driven by an immigrant with no insurance, so avoid at all costs. Most likely to be seen weaving between lanes, or on the side of the road with exactly zero of its 15 occupants possessing the knowledge of how to make it roadworthy again.
Posts: 139 Rank: 107 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:24:55 AM
Like to think they're clever and rebellious, but generally show this by watching a lot of TV, bitching about the boss and growing ever fatter. They might try a dick move in traffic, but just throw them a mean glare and they'll back down in a heartbeat.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:28:25 AM
last night, this asshole comes flyin up behind me flashing his brights for me to get in the other lane so he could pass. problem is, i am in the slow lane and the passing lane is clear for 10 fucking miles in either direction. luckily, my night blindness got the better of me and got over and he went on past me. i get back over into the slow lane after he passes, and he does the pussiest brake test of all time then keeps on cruising. he didn't have any bumper stickers but his personalized asshole tag explained it all- "RUA V8ER"
no, and to tell you the truth, when i think v-8, your fucking toyato tacoma isn't the first thing that comes to mind cocksucker.
hey faggot, you're not orginally from douglasville are you?
()
Post #: 8
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:32:23 AM
what happened? you moved down here with the dream of attending scad so you could move to san francisco and get into "advertising"? i'm not really mad at blacks, yankees, or my dad... but i would like to see you get deported back to ireland or whatever shitty place you're from. asshole.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:07:11 PM
all of the irish fucking suck and i hate them *EXCEPT* christine. and because she will probably get her granny whites in a bunch over it, her family is ok too. the rest of the irish should leave douglasville and jump into the ocean, never to be seen again. carbombs aren't that good anyway.
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Jesus Bumper Stickers - Reckless, stay away: People with Jesus related bumper stickers are notoriously the craziest of all drivers. Why? The Lord is riding shotgun. They're the most likely to try and take a left on red causing a deadly wake of destruction behind them while they cruise off to prayer circle. Ironically, someone will place crosses at the scene of the accident. 
My Child Is The Student Of The Month - Too passive, don't drive behind: These guys routinely drive 5 miles under the speed limit so the Margaret L. Donovan Elementary School Spelling Bee Champion doesn't get whiplash. Pass them immediately or you're stuck behind the student council car pool all afternoon. 
Array Of Jamband Stickers - Distracted, avoid being around at all costs: Between wondering how much they should sell their heady ganja gooballs for this summer, settling down the puppy, trying to remember the exact setlist of that "killer" Cornell Dead show in '77, and wondering whether their 6 month old daughter Moonbeam is too young to bring on tour, how could they be expected to stay in their own lane? Plus there's a 97% chance the car's engine is in worse shape than Trey Anastasio's right nostril and is prone to break down on short notice at any time. 
Leftist Political Stickers - Too passive, don't drive behind: These drivers are more likely to be cut-off than anyone else. It's not that they're cool with it, it's that they're too busy thinking of a clever way to put criticisms of the new Democratically controlled government onto a new bumper sticker. Also, cars running on Canola Oil don't have much pickup. 
Right Wing Political Stickers - Very careless, avoid: Anyone with a George W Bush sticker obviously hasn't been paying attention. What makes you think they're looking where they're driving? 
Pet Related Bumper Stickers - Unpredictable, stay away as a precautionary measure: Pet people are really weird, but you can assume that one's who advertise the fact on their car are a bit off kilter. If it's a cat related, get the fuck away. I don't trust a cat lady behind the wheel of anything other than a shopping cart. If the number of dog related bumper stickers are less than, or equal to 2, you're OK. If it's more than that, get as far away as you can. Insane dog people have no regard for human life. They often watch the news and cry when hearing stories of mistreated dogs but change the channel when there are stories about mistreated toddlers. 
Cheeky, Witty Comment - Run over: What's the matter, did your World of Warcraft account run up? Get a website, dork. 
