Condoms are so was

With no clear end in sight to the AIDS epidemic, the Department of Health and Human Services is taking new measures to increase the awareness and practice of safe sex. Alfonse D’Addario, junior Under-Secretary with the HHS, says that something must be done because “there’s no shortage of fucking out there.”

Along with several condom manufacturers, the HHS is unveiling their new marketing scheme for increasing the practice of safe sex. “From now on, we will no longer be calling prophylactics ‘condoms’”, says press secretary Julie Rumsford. “Instead we will be using the more appropriate moniker of ‘cock sheath.’”

The marketing team at the HHS recently discovered that many people forgo protection because they dislike the word “condom”. Some said it sounded too passive, or that it was unsexy, or that it sounded like condemn. “No matter how you slice, no one wants to take time out from getting their freak on to slip on a condom” says marketing director LeRon Brown. “But every man knows his dick is a powerful apparatus that demands proper care” Brown continued. “And what better way to shield your weapon than with a sheath?”

Fred Burns, a high school senior questioned by the HHS, said that using a condom is not cool. “It’s like, I’m trying to get this girl to let me stick it in and she says ‘get a condom’. It’s a real buzz kill. But if I was like, ‘hold on baby, let me put on my cock sheath’, that’s fucking bad ass.”

Anyone can use a cock sheath

Bill Mazur, president of Greek Council at University of Wisconsin-Madison, says he’s fallen in love with the new idea. “Telling people to wear a condom is so after school special. But telling them to sheath their cock is so dynamic. It makes the girls think, ‘if he’s got to sheath it, it most be awesome.’ Now I open with ‘hey baby, wanna sheath my cock?’”

Cock Sheath! Cock Sheath!

Mr. Brown says that the cock sheath initiative is going to be aimed at a wide demographic. In a letter to the HHS, Brown conceded that too often safe sex is preached only to white America. “If we want this to work, a simple name change is not enough. Therefore, we’re proposing the Kung Fu Cock Sheath for the African-American community, the Shogun Cock Sheath for the Asian market, and the Pokemon Cock Sheath for the teenage community. But I’m most excited about the posthumously named John Paul Cock Sheath, for the Catholic community. The late pope said he disapproved of birth control, but he never said anything about cock sheathing. Not in those words.”

Al Graham, VP of Product Development at Trojan, admits that his company was slow to get on board with the cock sheath project. “We really believe in the Trojan Man and feel the word ‘condom’ is synonymous with Trojan. But when I went home and told my wife I had to sheath my cock, she fucked me silly. And that’s good enough for me.”

Despite the success of the cock sheath initiative, there have been a slew of previously failed safe sex campaigns launched by Washington, including Janet Reno’s proposed “suck it, don't fuck it,” Laura Bush’s push for “Abstain for Jesus,” and Bill Clinton’s short-lived and ill-advised “squirt the skirt” movement.