This locker room is mine!

At one point or another many of use the locker room at a Health Club. As much as I would like to I can’t enter the women’s locker room without getting arrested. So, this piece will deal with the men’s facilities. Personally, I don’t like to spend too much time in there. I work out, change, shower and leave. Plain and simple, on with my day. On the rare occasion, only under extreme circumstances I will pinch a loaf in the stall. Oops, too much sharing. I apologize. Over the years, I have made some observations. Regardless of gym or its location there are always the same usual suspects that, unfortunately we must room with for the moment. The traits of some of these locker room dwellers are just fucking unbelievable. What follows is a compilation of those that deserve special mention and their well earned titles.

First up, is The King. This motherfucker thinks no one else has to use anything in the locker room. It is his locker room. The bench (his Throne), the lockers and the area around the lockers are his. Period. He will strip down naked exposing his fat hairy body. Then he will proceed to sit bare assed on the bench, place his gym bag next to him, lay a towel out very neatly in front of himself and pile all of his sweaty clothes all over the place. Once his area is prepared to his liking he makes his journey to the shower. In the meantime, there are other members in need of a locker and a place to sit. When his highness returns from bathing he returns to his throne for the self pampering of his royal ass. This includes the clipping of the toe nails, the powdering of the jewels and ass and the combing of the little bit of hair on his head. Finally, he gets dressed, throws all his crap in his bag and departs. No, he does not throw his towels in the bin when he leaves. This chore is for his loyal servants.

Who wants to wax my eyebrows?

Next up is the Exhibitionist. Surprisingly, this guy is old, real old. Like someone’s Grandfather old. Typically, gramps is very thin and wrinkly with lots of loose skin. But, you got to give the guy credit. He loves to display his junk. He parades himself all over the joint. Towel? He don’t need no stinkin’ towel. Just make sure that you are no where near him when it comes time to drying the nads. The old geezer will prop his leg right up on the bench and let it all hang out. We’re talking some seriously long, stretched out genitalia. Oh, look the old guy can still touch his toes. Forget about sitting down to dry the feet. He is just going to bend right over at the waist and dry those Dr. Scholl’s jockeys. “Hey everyone check out my red eye. What do you mean it’s not time for my prostate exam?” No, I am not checking the guy out. It’s like you just can’t help noticing. He is making sure that everyone sees. I don’t know. Maybe having lived through the Depression era these guys learned to do without a lot of clothes or something. Just a thought.

The Meatballs are the next target for discussion. These locker room freaks travel in groups of three or more. On a rare occasion you might find them as a pair. They typically are very short, wide and resemble fire hydrants. Kind of like the lollipop guild on steroids. Very often they can be found in the sink area in front of the full length mirrors. Even if you don’t see them you can tell that they’re near by their dialogue. For example, “Yo, check out how big I look today.” Or, “Hey, look I think I can see some abs.” Or, “shit man I am so pumped cause I maxed 350 today on the bench.” The other day, I actually heard one Meatball as the other Meatball, “Did you get your eyebrows done again? They look real good.” Good buddies, butt buddies, who knows? You can draw your own conclusions.

Every locker room has the Mouth. I don’t even know what this guy looks like. I have never actually seen him. However, I know he’s there as does everyone else. From the second he enters that room he does not shut up. Not only will he not shut up, he is loud. Very loud. He will go on and on and on. Nothing is off limits for this guy. He will rant about his bitches, his new car, the douche bag in his office or some guy he wanted to beat the crap out of last night in the bar. Oh, and this guy loves the word “Fuck”. Fuck this, fuck that and fucking everything. He is just fucking there to entertain us all. Hey, how about shut the fuck up and let us get dressed.

There you have it. The locker room cast of characters. Next time you happen to be in the locker room of your local gym take a look around. They’ll be there.