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Hey chief, I’m Charles. Looks like they paired us up for the round. What’s your handicap?
Woah, you should track your handicap, guy. It’s the only way to get any better.
You topped it. Keep your head down next time.
You know, the thing about golf is, we’re all playing it, at least if you play USGA rules and track your handicap. I’m headed to the U.S. Open qualifiers next year.
You should have played a cut. Do you know how to play a cut? Watch me, I’m going to cut it with a slight baby fade.
FUCK! GODDAMN IT, CHARLES!
I didn’t pull my hands through that time. Won’t happen again.
What kind of clubs do you use? Really. You know Nike hired away all their best designers. I used to play those. I switched to Nike. Tiger plays Nike. You should play Nike.
Nice, putt, Alice. Hey, does your husband play golf? Just kidding, big guy.
I think I’ll flop this. I’m going to use my sixty-three degree wedge. Do you have a sixty-three degree wedge? You should, champ. It really comes in handy at this distance. What? No, I don’t carry this many clubs when I’m playing for real, it’s against USGA rules.
One.
You put that out about 230. That’s not much for a driver. Do you work out? No, I mean ‘cause your shots are so shitty and short. What are you saying? Just kidding. You should do bicycle crunches. I do those. I saw it on the Golf Channel. Adds twenty yards.
I think I’m going to play a cut here, maybe fade it into the dogleg...
MOTHERFUCKER! CUNT EATING FAGGOT, CHARLES!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?! SHIT. COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU PUSSY, GET BACK HERE AND FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK!
I need to change my glove.
You like these shoes? Footjoy Classic Tours. You just can’t play with anything else. They cost three hundred dollars. You know what else cost three hundred dollars? Your wife’s abortion that I paid for! Just kidding, ace. It was my kid, that’s why I paid for it... no, in the joke... lighten up, guy! Just kidding...
We should spice this up. Skins, garbage, ten-dollar push, sandies, snakes, greenies? What do ya say? No? Too rich for your blood, huh? Sorry, I gotta play ten a hole just to keep it interesting. I’m in "The Game." That's what I call my job, which is too complicated to explain to you. What do you do? Huh. Did you ever consider graduate school? Just kidding, smart guy, you’ll do fine. Two dollar nassaus, then.
What am I out? 161? I’m gonna play an 8. How far do you shoot an 8? Really? You should throw some weights around. Call me, I work out at 24 Fitness. I fucked a trainer there one time—chick. No way, marriage is for pussies. What are you, a homo? I just lay ‘em and play ‘em. Chicks and golf courses, respectively, that is. When was the last time you got laid? Just kidding, stud. Seriously, though...
Ouch. That sucks. You’re just not good. Kidding. You should go to the range more. I’m going to play this short, leave myself an uphill putt... that is, if it doesn’t go in!...
FUCK YOU, CHARLES! YOU GODDAMN SHITEATING FAGGOT PUSSY! WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR OLDER BROTHER, CHARLES?! YOU’RE THE REASON MOMMY AND I GOT DIVORCED, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! FUCK!!! I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!!
Sorry, do you mind if I swear? I didn’t think so. You seemed cool. Just kidding, bro.
Never leave a birdie putt short, dude. Never. Tom Watson said that.
Oh, your approach shot was good? Well, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? It’s a joke, shooter.
Do you follow the Tour? Really? Why not? Follow Villegas, he’s got a hell of a form.
There’s no reason to not play at least bogey golf. Just get a par for every double bogey... not that hard...
Okay, last putt. I’m just gonna drain this for par. Woah, you crossed my line, dude. Not cool. Okay...
FUCKING SHIT, CHARLES! WHY?!
DADDY, DON’T HIT ME?! I HATE GOLF, THAT’S WHY DADDY! STOP YELLING AT ME! FUCK! I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID IT, DADDY!! DADDY NO!!! WHY DON"T YOU LOVE ME, DAD?!
My putter caught on the grass is what happened there. Those Mexicans don’t mow these greens for shit. They’re probably drunk, am I right, manshaft? What, do you like Mexicans or something? Just kidding, good game, muscles.
I’m gonna hit the showers? Want to come? Just kidding, fag.
Hey, big timer, you owe me twelve bucks!! Just kidding, I won’t miss it.
All Golfers are assholes. And i'm not even a bigot, a redneck or a football player. They just really, really suck. Really.
Hey I just synthesized that whole article.
deuce
"charles"
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Posted: 6/28/2006 7:03:41 AM
is why you never show up with less than a foursome. good stuff, melkus.
Tom A
Nice
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Posted: 6/28/2006 9:38:32 AM
Good show, Melkus.
Blazer - it's not so much that all golfers suck, it's just the ones that you know (guys like this guy in the article).
Now, the question is which part of that sentence correlates with the sucking part.
Golf Tool
The lame jokes....
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Posted: 6/28/2006 9:47:01 AM
Made by golf tools like Charles here are right on. The stupid one liners about "Hey, nice putt. Does your husband play?", are just perfect.
It's articles like this that keep me coming back for more.
Horus
I know this guy!
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:22:33 AM
Sad thing is, there's a lot of guys like this. Poor pathetic golfing a-holes!
Ffokrej
Eh
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 6/28/2006 1:47:31 PM
Any more weekend warrior articles in the near future?
Octopansy
Clapping softly...
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Posted: 6/28/2006 1:59:07 PM
...when a far more enthusiastic reaction is merited. Excellent work, JP!
MCPO Airdale
Once
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Posted: 6/28/2006 2:14:29 PM
I've only come across someone like this on the course once. Nice job of rolling every cliche out there into one article, Ace.
Bruno
Don't need to read it
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Posted: 6/28/2006 2:36:43 PM
I know it's awesome. The one-year grace period from the burglar article is still in effect.
But I'm going to read it anyway. Give me a few seconds....
Yes, it was very good.
One other thing: I don't know or care what an MCPO Airdale is, but you can't call someone for cliches, then call him "Ace." Please put your hand into a glove made of glass. Then fist yourself.
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