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Just shut up, idiot.
You know who you are. Standing behind that deck of turntables, holding one headphone to your ear, being pretentious and aloof as you play with knobs and shuffle through records. You can just settle down, because nobody cares that you're a DJ.
1. Rave DJ -- Dude, first of all, raves were never even cool to begin with. The fact that you're still trying to "keep the party going" ten years later is bordering on The Most Pathetic Thing Ever. You can pile up all the lasers and lights and disco balls and glo sticks and pacifiers you want, but all you'll have is a big heap of Who Gives A Shit. And quit passing out all those stupid glossy promo cards announcing your latest weekly "Bliss-Chillout-Ambient-House-Electro-fest". You're 35 now -- isn't that a little old to be handing out postcards with psychadelic robots all over them? Also, your "DJ Name", whatever it is, is stupid.
2. Hipster DJ -- You silly scenesters can stand there and look as jaded and above-it-all as you want, but you're not fooling me into thinking you're some kind of fucking rock star. Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music. So stop acting like Mick fucking Jagger at every retarded party and gallery opening I go to. I have a pretty impressive DVD collection and know quite a bit about film history, but if I show up at your house and play Taxi Driver for you, does that make me Martin Scorsese? No, it doesn't. Also, whatever you're wearing right now, it looks ridiculous.
3. Celebrity DJ -- Hey Carlos D, Danny Masterson and every indie rocker in the world -- you're already a star. You're already rich, already famous, already spreading your "love" (and herpes) far and wide with all the groupies you could possibly want. Do you seriously need more attention? Do you need to show us that you have really excellent taste in music? Do you need to throw in an ironically bad song to show us you also have an adorable, self-deprecating sense of humor? Really, you do? Well turn off the fucking lights when you're done, assholes.
4. Angry Hip Hop DJ -- Sup dude, you're cool.
5. Angry Music Snob DJ -- I don't really care if you have rare original first-press Joy Division vinyl, you're still just a douchebag with a record player. Don't you get tired of lugging around 400 pounds of vinyl just to be ignored by bars and clubs full of people who haven't heard of -- and could care less about -- your music collection? Get an iPod, dude. And don't even THINK about launching into your diatribe about how mp3s are inferior and DJ's who use iPod's are posers. There is no "art" to DJing. I don't care if you're using turntables, iPods, a laptop or a My First Sony Record Player, you're still just playing other people's music. Get over yourself, you pretentious jackass.
6. DJ Groupie Chick -- I'm sure your parents are proud.
The point is, while I enjoy good music in the background when I'm out reveling, I think we can all agree to cut out the lame DJ worship. I mean, think of how many people you know who claim to be DJ's. Everyon'e a fucking DJ. I'm DJing right now here in my cubicle. I just segued from Bloc Party's "Banquet" into Kings of Leon's "The Bucket" - isn't that amazing?
I live with two "DJs," one of whom just spent thousands of pounds on turntables and stuff. Both of them are in their 30s and the only time they ever DJ, is at home. Ha. They come in handy at parties, but otherwise, I'm with you - most DJs are fucking lame.
o.rob
Digits?
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Posted: 4/18/2005 10:01:47 AM
Do you by chance have DJ Groupie Chick's number?
mike
Damn Straight
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Posted: 4/18/2005 10:35:11 AM
You have successfully hit the nail right on the head with these pretentious assholes. They may come in handy for parties, but come on. Does anyone really need DJ Fun Boy mixing and matching other people's shit. Everyone has multiple disc players now; throw 5, 10, or how ever many, cds in that bitch and there you go. Now DJ Sony 10 disc changer is running the party. Good article.
dan
You forgot one category
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Posted: 4/18/2005 10:52:10 AM
..the group of DJs that play to crowds of tens of thousands of people all over the world, fly first class everywhere, stay in five star hotels and generally get treated like royalty - all the while making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
i bet that really bugs you doesn't it...?
Mike
[No Title]
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Posted: 4/18/2005 10:52:14 AM
lame.
kyle
Dan
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Posted: 4/18/2005 11:38:19 AM
Why is your description a recap of "Celebrity DJ?" I'm pretty sure that the article did not forget that one.
Helmar
Cute but painfully ignorant
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Posted: 4/18/2005 1:35:42 PM
This was good for a laugh but you're painfully ignorant of what's going on in music right now. Whether you like it or not, DJs ARE rockstars. Just like the rock stars of the 80's, most were talentless losers, but a few are some of them are most talented musicians of their time. Most professional DJs are also producers too or come from a band background, and even if they don't spend any time in the studio, anyone moron who says that the turntables are not an instrument and that DJ are not artists is, well... just go around saying that in the music industry and see how people react. Contrary to Apple, HP, and Scion ads, anyone with an ipod or CD changer is not a DJ, any more the loser at the party with a camcorder is a director; it takes real understanding of music. And I hate to break it to you but your cool hip hop DJ is probably the one DJ of the group playing the most sampled, remixed and recycled tunes of all. I love hip hop but it is often the most un-original genre in terms of recycling old songs, the guy you're giving a pass to is the MOST guilty.
DJ Ness
funny
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Posted: 4/18/2005 1:53:03 PM
as a dj myself, i found this article pretty amusing...ya know sometimes if it weren't for the dj, musicians wouldnt even get their music to the critical masses so...
hmm. very cute tho
Alex Blagg
Perspective
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Posted: 4/18/2005 1:54:48 PM
I love it when people get all reactionary to things they read on a comedy web site. Its like watching professional wrestling and yelling at the TV because you didn't think a call was "fair".
Jerry
WELL...
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Posted: 4/18/2005 1:56:34 PM
I don't think the author is talking about the superstar DJ's.
I think he's talking about the garage-band DJ's that play at the local bars, small-time clubs, and coffee houses.
It is at establishments such as these that you'll find the type of DJ's discussed above.
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