SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Despite the numerous comments that Miles Jensen's Fourth of July rooftop barbeque was 'a total hipster party', there were no admitted hipsters to be found anywhere.

"God, this is such a scene. I really just wanted to do something kinda intimate and chill," said Crystal Perriman, a young mohawked waitress with a pierced nostril, sleeveless Budweiser shirt, fannypack and Blue Blocker sunglasses.

"Seems like you can't go anywhere anymore without a bunch of art kids showing up trying to look all cool," she added, taking a drag from a Parliament cigarette, then washing it down with another sip of Sparks.

The party, located on top of a converted live-work space in San Francisco's Mission District, attracted a crowd of approximately 50 guests during its busiest hours. While most of the attendants identified themselves as artists, DJs, writers, musicians and performers, there were no reports of anyone introducing themselves as "a hipster". A strange phenomenon, considering the amount of conversation dedicated to the observation that the party was "so full of lame hipsters".

"I mean, would you look at that guy? He looks like some kind of fucking cosmic disco pirate," said Jeffery "Buck" Parker, an "activist" dressed in Diesel jeans, snakeskin cowboy boots, a "Tums" shirt and a red bandana tied around his neck.

Sorry, no hipsters here.

When asked whether someone could possibly make a similar statement about him, Parker responded, "What? Me? No, whatever."

Sources confirm that guests spent the majority of the party talking about themselves, putting veggie burgers on the grill and then abandoning them to go get high, binge drink, and complain about all the hipsters.

At one point, a drunk guy who kept introducing himself as "Action Jackson", threw a few bottle rockets into the air while yelling, "America -- Fuck Yeah!" His attempt at referential post-ironic reverse-psychology patriot humor was only met with scowls and muttering criticism.

"Like, this would be a pretty rad party if it wasn't so scene-y", said a heavily-tattooed party promoter who refers to herself as Gloss. "The rooftop thing is cool or whatever, but I think I'm gonna bail and go to another party I heard about at this art studio in Oakland. I think it'll probably be a little less pretentious. You know anyone here with coke?"

While no one was able to solve the mystery of how the gathering could be described as 'a hipster party' when there was not a single verbal confirmation of actual hipsterdom, people drank lots of beer and uninterestedly nodded at their fellow partygoers before finally dispersing to get burritos and go back to their individual art collectives.

There were also no visual confirmations of hipsters, likely because most of the partygoers couldn't see very well through their bangs.