Riding high on the success of the iPod Shuffle, a useless piece of shit version of the popular iPod, Apple announced plans to introduce the next member of the iPod family, the iPod One.

According to the press materials, the One will be about the size of a marble. It will only hold one song, and it will have a battery life of 10 minutes. When the user presses the device's single button, the track will start playing on repeat until the battery dies. It will be priced at $65.

At the press conference, Apple marketing guru Steven Jobs explained how Apple would trick dumb fucks into purchasing the One. "We don't see the One as lacking features. We prefer to call it 'simplicity,'" Think about it. The iPod shuffle could hold as many as 300 songs. Who needs that many? Some people don't even know 300 songs. Some consumers just want to have their one favorite song at their fingertips without being bothered by things like 'choice' and 'practicality'."

Jobs also praised the 10 minute battery: "What other iPod has a battery life long enough to cycle through it's entire library even once? The iPod mini holds 1000 songs but the battery dies after maybe 150, if you're lucky! With the One, you can play your one song two, three, maybe even four times if you like punk. Plus it charges back up in only 8 minutes!"

As usual, Jobs couldn't shut the fuck up about the new product. "Plus I don't think I need to mention that it will come with those annoying white headphones that make everybody want to whip out an uzi and start blasting during their morning bus ride. How cool is that??" added Jobs, who then whipped out his cock and started urinating on a pile of competing MP3 players next to his podium.

It goes without saying the the buzz surrounding the One's release next month is already deafening and Apple is betting that the newest iPod will be even more popular than the Shuffle.

A screenless, stripped version of the iPod about the size of a stick of gum, the iPod Shuffle caught on quickly with idiot consumers who like to buy useless garbage. "I like the fact that it doesn't have a screen" said San Francisco resident, Persephone Bailey. "I like that I have very limited control over what I'm listening to, and that it's difficult to find certain songs and albums. And it's so flimsy and easy to break! Even a child could snap it in half!"

"My friends in the adult literacy program love it! They ALL want one."

The iPod One will rely even more heavily on Persephone's demographic for most of its sales. "We feel like we haven't even begun to tap the potential buying power of morons, which is why we've made sure to price the One affordably. Now people can have an iPod for less that the cost of... um... I don't know what costs seventy dollars? An abortion? Well it's low anyways. The One is truly the iPod for the average American."

When informed about the release of the iPod One, Bailey expressed excitement:

"Only one song? Oh! That's awesome! Now I can just load mine with 'Hollaback Girl!' and not have to go through the trouble of skipping all those OTHER songs on the album! I love Gwen. I'm going to listen to it during my morning break at the DMV!"

Apple Store customer Ross Morganthaler expressed interest in a less complicated version of the Shuffle as well: "The shuffle has like, 3 buttons and a switch. I'm supposed to remember what all those do? With the iPod One's one button, it couldn't be easier. I just press it and I've got 10 sweet minutes of "Jet"! I'm just glad that Apple finally realized that not everyone who buys their products is a nuclear scientist."

Jobs agreed: "If the Shuffle was the iPod for the American consumer who can't read, this is the iPod for the American consumer who watches 'So You Think You Can Dance' for completely unironic reasons!"

Apple also expects the One to sell well among girls who think that anything small is "cute" and therefore worth having. "Awww! It's so tiny!" remarked fan Lindsey Miller. "Does it come in pink? Awww!"

Never one to rest on it's laurels, Apple has still more products in the works for specific demographics, including the long awaited iPod Hollow, an empty iPod casing with no functionality whatsoever for those people who are only interested in the trendiness of the product itself, and the isupPodsitory, an iPod for those who are sick of being told by passers-by to jam their iPods up their worthless yuppie asses. The waiting lists for both products are already months long.