Dorfmeister Smiles Before Taking The Bench

In a surprise move, California’s Democratic U.S. Senators Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein have pledged to Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger that they will support his party’s nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge John Roberts. But this pledge was not without a cost.

To secure the Democratic Senators’ endorsement of Roberts, Schwarzenegger vowed to aid the Democrats’ quest to further diversify California’s judiciary by nominating Bill “Bucky” Dorfmeister to fill the seat on the California Supreme Court vacated by Judge Janice Rogers Brown, now of the D.C. Circuit.

Dorfmeister will be California’s first mentally disabled jurist.

Upon learning of the news, Dorfmeister reportedly banged a pot onto a glass coffee table, shattering it, and shouting, “Yaaaaay! I’m gonna be Judge Judy! Pee on my face and say it’s snowing!! Yaaayaayaaaaay! Court’s in session Your Honor! No contest, you’re guilty!!”

Takes One To Know One

Boxer explained the move to a gathering of her constituents. “We as Democrats have been striving for over 40 years to make the judicial branch of government more representative of the populace,” she said. Boxer continued, “If the results of last November’s elections are any indicator, that populace is growing increasingly retarded, so this move constitutes a giant step in the right direction.”

The appointment shocked lawmakers on both sides of the political aisle, as well as pundits nationwide. Fox News commentator Sean Hannity said during his show, “People may be upset, but the fact of the matter is that this is no worse than nominating the average Democrat. They can’t read the Constitution, either.”

The ripples of Dorfmeister’s nomination extended to the California bar. Michael Bidart, a Claremont litigator, said that Dorfmeister’s nomination to California’s highest bench will pose new challenges to his law practice. “Generally, I try to pitch my arguments in the simplest terms possible. Before, I’d practice my arguments in front of my secretary. Now, I’m going to have to practice in front of the janitor, and Hong-Lee doesn’t even speak English.” Bidart added, “Maybe I’ll just have to start appending crayon-drawings as exhibits to my briefs. Hmmmmm . . . .”

Ron Shuster of the Center for Disability Rights held a press conference to introduce the new nominee to the public. “This historic day provides further evidence that people with mental disabilities can do anything that we can do,” he said, as the nominee drew a picture consisting of a house, a dog, and a cheeseburger on the inside cover of the latest volume of the California Reporter.

Justice Dorfmeister’s first day of work made clear just how notable this change to the California Supreme Court will be. At oral argument, Justice Ming Chen asked an attorney about the policy implications of his client’s theory of California’s Unfair Competition Law. Less than a full sentence into the answer, Justice Dorfmeister interrupted to ask the advocate how he tied his tie, proudly showing off his clip-on. After telling the lawyer that he was “way, way, way smart” for being able to make a “knot so pretty,” Justice Dorfmeister asked whether he preferred to watch reruns of “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” or “Everybody Loves Raymond,” which he enthusiastically touted as his favorite shows. Oral argument ended without any further discussion of the Unfair Competition Law.

When asked about the loophole in the California Constitution that permits any citizen, whether trained as a lawyer or not, to become a judge, State Representative Eduardo Sanchez (R – Modesto) summed up the sentiments of Republicans in the California Legislature: “That is just . . . well, . . . retarded.”