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Ret. Marine Gunnery Sergeant Joaquim Harold 'Napalm' Jones
I was deep in the jungles of Cambodia on a recon mission last week with my partner Lt. Smith when my MM4 Iridium Sat Phone rang. It was Chad Zumock, one of the Phat Phree editors, wanting to harass me about some bullshit.
I started telling him war stories, which usually gets him off the phone damn quick, but in the middle of my story about a glorious nighttime battle I fought in at Khe Sahn, that slack-jawed boot-licker asked me if I could kidnap Jessica Simpson for him.
Shrapnel chimed in that she doesn�t even get naked in The Dukes of Hazard and that if he wanted me to kidnap someone it should be Maria Conchita Alonso from Moscow on the Hudson because she was way hotter and got naked.
Zumock retorted, "Ellen Barkin in Siesta is hotter than that."
Shrapnel came back with Joey Lauren Adams in Mallrats and Meg Ryan in In The Cut.
Disgusted at this horrible display of breast history, I shouted, "Meg Ryan�s tits look like that bald dude melting at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark ."
Then Zumock cited Linda Hamilton in The Terminator, Karen Allen in Until September and Jasmine Guy in Klash.
I had to stop them once they got to Kirstie Alley in Blind Date. No way was I gonna sit around and let these two horny baboons disgrace film nudity any longer. I put a bullet from my Taurus PT 137 into Shrapnel�s calf to shut him up. Satellite phone are too expensive for this shit. Then I hung up on Chad.
I knew that I would have to take matters into my own hands to educate these half-wit pricks. Between the two of them, they couldn�t even muster that hot chick from Spanglish in Sex and Lucia, or Swamp Thing when Adrienne Barbeau hangs her mommy mounds on a lily pad. So I bandaged up Shrapnel and began working on the ultimate list of famous titties, ass and bush ever compiled.
So here it is: Napalm's 101 Hottest Hollywood Skin Flicks. I have created a soft core version for all you pussies who have ass licking bosses looking over you shoulder while you are at work and another version for all the lazy fucknuts who are sitting at home getting a government check and have nothing better to do than squirt some swimmers in the middle of the day. This is the NSFW (Not Safe For Work). If you want the SFW (Safe For Work) version without all the nooks and crannies, click here, pussy.
Also, to help you prioritize your viewing of these treasures, handy icons have been created telling you what kind of goods are in each flick. And a simple click to add most movies to your Netflix cue or to sign up. Beats the shit out of some High School kid at Blockbuster knowing you�ve rented Flesh Gordon 27 times.
The only thing that ruins seeing Jane March�s nice little spinner body is the quick peak at Bruce Willis' mushroom tip. I would toss this buck-toothed girlchild around the mess hall like a goddamned pizza, I'll tell you that.
100. Never Too Young To Die Not Available on DVD
John Stamos, TV's other Uncle Jessie, hooks up with Nasty Girl, Vanity, in this campy B-movie. This flick also features Gene Simmons as a sociopath transvestite, just for extra shits and giggles. Only worth watching to see Prince�s ex get naked like she should have in The Last Dragon. Sho� Nuff!
Natasha Gregson Wagner tries to follow in her parents� famous footsteps, except with five times the nudity and a hundreth the acting ability. Here she plays a sexy psycho vampire chick in one of two Casper Van Dien movies to make the list. She can suck me anytime as long as she doesn�t bring that freakish little girl from "The 4400" with her to predict how fast I'll blow my load.
Just wanted to let everyone know I was the first person to jerk-off to this list!
Thanks Napalm, I just blew a load all over my key pad.
Marc
Ummmm
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Posted: 8/29/2005 9:43:46 AM
Titties!!! ok back to sleep for me...
Dave Amiott
Andy Sidaris!
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Posted: 8/29/2005 10:45:08 AM
Great to see a "Savage Beach" reference in there. Too bad the Andy Sidaris library isn't considered Hollywood, or they would have dominated this list. I could watch Shae Marks blow stuff up with remote controlled cars all night.
STEVE
I LOVE TITS
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Posted: 8/29/2005 12:20:24 PM
You didn't include Revenge of the Nerds on this motherfucker? I've been crankin it to that movie since my cock could only shoot air and dust. Can't wait for your next countdown- 101 Hottest Male Asses On-Screen.
Napalm
Brattattatat!
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Posted: 8/29/2005 12:29:29 PM
Amiott - One day I will do a full blown piece on Andy Sidaris and his two sons who have now taken over his Texas tittie movie making family business. He is one of my all time idols of film making. His my John Waters, Spielberg, Ed Wood and John Ford all rolled into one. Thanks for catching the reference!
Dan The Man - Look for my line of Napalm Jones screen cleaner in spring, especially designed to get crusty jizz off of computer monitors.
sigh
im at work and i cant stop laughing...
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Posted: 8/29/2005 3:17:06 PM
cause i read this:
Juliette Lewis, former President of the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee, shows us how she got elected. I tried to toss one off as she stripped and oiled up her twelve-year old boy's body. It was like trying to jerk off to Dudley with his shirt off in that child-molester episode of "Diff'rent Strokes", so I pressed stop, grabbed my trusty copy of Savage Beach and did some diff'rent stroking of my own.
good as ever napalm!!!!!!!!!!!
sigh
hey napalm
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Posted: 8/29/2005 3:33:02 PM
get me a pic of mia kirschner if you can......no showtime = no pic......
heather graham has the best tits in hollywood..hands down!!!!
Napalm
...you can't refuse
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Posted: 8/29/2005 6:47:01 PM
sigh - Because of your patriotic zeal for all things related to the breast, I will grant you this one favor, even though I typically try to avoid giving to much publicity to anyone from the no so great white north. Just know now that at some point you may be called upon by myself, Smitty or Johnny Gunkisser to do us a favor. You will be responsible for completeing that task in a timely fashion or you may risk serious imparement of your faculties, if you know what I'm saying. So enjoy this pic of Mia Kirshner that we didn't run in the article. If anyone else asks for a pic, I will break their patella into four equal pieces with my teeth.
K.W.
fuckin cool
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Posted: 8/29/2005 9:03:18 PM
This is the kinda shit anyone can read. Its even informative. Thanks Napalm. Why the fuck didnt you ask me for help tho? I gotta .22 long gun sittin here. You could'a shot your boy with it instead of that 137. Easier to clean up anyway.
sigh
napalm
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Posted: 8/29/2005 9:34:27 PM
many thanks.....
you let me know when and where, and ill come glock in hand.....
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Posts: 
sigh - Because of your patriotic zeal for all things related to the breast, I will grant you this one favor, even though I typically try to avoid giving to much publicity to anyone from the no so great white north. Just know now that at some point you may be called upon by myself, Smitty or Johnny Gunkisser to do us a favor. You will be responsible for completeing that task in a timely fashion or you may risk serious imparement of your faculties, if you know what I'm saying. So enjoy this pic of Mia Kirshner that we didn't run in the article. If anyone else asks for a pic, I will break their patella into four equal pieces with my teeth.
