A teammate restrains an angry Calvin Johnson from attacking Clay.

Georgia Tech player Calvin Johnson is among the most talented wide receivers in college football, but his mother, Arica Johnson, is without a doubt the most attractive mother in the history of college football. Granted, the competition is not intense, but even still his mom was hot enough that I thought even Ron Franklin was going to comment on her hotness during the course of the ESPN Saturday night broadcast.

I was watching the Auburn-Georgia Tech game with my wife Lara, and we were both blown away. Arica Johnson was wearing her son's jersey, which made us both think that she might be his girlfriend. But then she was positively identified as the mother. Before I get too far along in this column, here's the link to Calvin Johnson's page on the Georgia Tech site. Sadly, his mother is not pictured alongside him.

Even more sadly, despite diligent Google and Yahoo searching, no photos of Arica Johnson could be obtained. I'm asking that someone with better internet search skills help me to locate an online photo for posting. Despite this absence, in light of how attractive his mother is, I decided to post a handy guide for his Georgia Tech teammates about how to make fun of how hot his mother is at Calvin Johnson's expense. This list is posted with fervent hopes that someone affliated with Georgia Tech's football team will be able to implement at least one of these suggestions. Without further ado, here are fourteen easy ways to drive him insane:

1. Say absolutely nothing and insert her photo into a collage on the wall of your dorm room alongside Beyonce, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Alba, and Jamie Foxx (hey wait...). Wait until he notices, and then claim she sent the photo to you without prompting.

2. Refer to her as "Milf" Johnson at every opportunity.

3. Store the photo inside your "NCAA Football 2006" cheat guide. Next time you are playing games, suggest he check out the formations for one of your upcoming opponents in the guide. When he opens it, have pictures of his mother taped to the pages (This could likely lead to victory in the video game as well, as Calvin Johnson is likely to become enraged).

4. Always give her a hug in his presence. Wink over her shoulder and lick your lips while hugging. Roll your hips, if you can do so discreetly (Note: do not do this in the presence of her husband. He will kill you).

5. Occasionally make Milf Johnson a snap count in practice, and potentially in games. Ergo "Down, set... hut.. hut-hut... milf johnson."

What'd you say about my momma?

6. No matter what outfit she is wearing, insist it was chosen for your benefit and your benefit alone.

7. Ruminate upon what it would be like to be your friend Calvin Johnson's stepfather. Insist that you would be referred to as Big Daddy, and that on visits home CJ would have a strictly enforced bedtime and curfew.

8. Get one of the Georgia Tech nerds to redub the song, "Stacey's Mom", replacing the Stacey in the title with Calvin. Insist this song be played on every bus trip, and lead the team in a sing-a-long.

9. Log onto E-Bay as soon as CJ enters the room. When he inquires as to what you are searching for, casually respond, "Some guys on the team said your mom's panties were for sale."

10. Print out a large face photo on cardboard. Attach a string until you have a suitable mask, and go as Milf Johnson for Halloween.

11. Start drinking wine... ruminate often in his presence about how everything becomes finer with age.

12. Talk about how much you enjoy watching women eat popsickles in CJ's presence. Next time you see his mother, offer her a popsickle. Repeat this offer each time you see her. If CJ reacts, roll your eyes and respond, "Come on now CJ, everybody loves a popsickle."

13. Start your own set of milf trading cards. Make the entire first set a collection of Arica Johnson action shots. When queried, insist this is normal behavior for teammates.

14. After each touchdown, insist that at least one member of the offense form his arms into a large "M" in honor of Milf Johnson (as an example, it should look something like a reversed sigma that black football players sign after touchdowns).

I'm burned out on ideas, but I have no doubt there are many more. Post your own ideas below. And if perchance you are the perfect soul who has found an online photo of Arica Johnson, please provide us the link.