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When the NBA recently unveiled its new dress code, there was so much whining and bitching you’d thought David Stern wanted to bring back the John Stockton shorts. Or even worse, make the players wear a shirt and tie (What nerve).
Judging by what I’ve seen the first two weeks, the new policy is about as restrictive as wearing toilet tissue. The NBA is not requiring anything different than what virtually ever other employer in the nation requires. Less, actually. The players don’t have to wear a shirt and tie, and they can even wear blue jeans (fucking blue jeans for Christ sakes!).
Here’s the dress code breakdown:
1. General Policy: Business Casual - Players are required to wear Business Casual attire whenever they are engaged in team or league business.
"Business Casual" attire means:
• A long or short-sleeved dress shirt (collared or turtleneck), and/or a sweater. • Dress slacks, khaki pants, or dress jeans. • Appropriate shoes and socks, including dress shoes, dress boots, or other presentable shoes, but not including sneakers, sandals, flip-flops, or work boots.
Now I am not sure about any of you, but at my shitty job, we can’t even have noticeable tattoos, and we have to be clean-shaven everyday. So when the NBA announced its lame-cake dress code, it was accused of everything from micromanagement to racism.
I’m sorry, but racism? Since when does dressing like a fucking slob mean racism?
"They're targeting my generation -- the hip-hop generation," Iverson said in a television interview. He added, "You can put a murderer in a suit and he's still a murderer."
Brilliant! Fucking Brilliant!
A.I. has such a strong argument, and I am glad he doesn't miss the point at all.
Comments like these make me sick and tired of the professional athletes and their daily ignorance, because it gets old real fast. So when stuff like the dress code policy is enforced, the only thing I can do is root against these multi-million dollar jack-offs!
So with that being said, I want to know people, who will be the first NBA player to violate these simple rules?
While you mull that one over, I went ahead and put together an entire team of blockheaded-featherweights who I feel will violate this policy in the first month.
I am calling them, “The Mutha-Fuck-A-Dress-Code Team”
White Chocolate Bitches!
Point Guard: Jason Williams 'White Chocolate' hates any kind of discipline whatsoever, and he will hate this dress code even more. I predict he will violate the dress code as soon Stan Van Jeremy cuts his minutes for not playing any kind of defense.
Here’s the exact conversation on how it will go down
White Chocolate- “Why did you cut my minutes, Dog?”
Stan Van Jeremy- “Because you don’t play any defense”
White Chocolate- “Fuck you bitch, I’m ‘White Chocolate’, and I do what I want. Not only that, I ain’t dressing up in no dress shirt anymore!”
Stan Van Jeremy- “That’s fine”
“Practice? You’re talking practice?”
Shooting Guard: Allen Iverson A.I. will be the first one out of everyone in the NBA to violate this code, PERIOD!
I think former NBA tough guy Charles Oakley said it best about 'A.I.' "Allen Iverson has been in the league for 10 years and he's still wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Grow up already," Oakley said. "I'm not trying to sound like some old guy who says this is the way we used to do it. Why not look professional instead of looking like you belong on a street corner?" Just listen to 'Oak', this guy was more 'hard-core' and about ‘keepin’ it real’ than A.I. will ever be.
"How dare you throw a refreshment on me"
Small Forward: Ron Artest Ron Artest might be the sole reason why this dress-code was put into effect.
He was the one responsible for causing one of the worst brawls in the history of the NBA by beating the living shit out of a guy who he thought threw a beverage at him.
If anyone in the NBA has a problem with the dress code, I say you talk to Ron Artest and complain that you can’t dress up like a 16-year old kid anymore.
"The NBA exploits young black athletes to benefit itself"
Power Forward: Rasheed Fucking Wallace Rasheed Wallace thinks everyone is a ‘racist’, from David Stern, to the paying fans, all the way down to the concession stand employees making $6.75 an hour (All racist in Sheed's book).
So when the dress code went in effect, I thought about 'Sheed' and I thought about Bill Walton’s take on ‘Sheed’.
"Before Rasheed Wallace becomes a star in the NBA, he is going to have to grow up. He seems to think the world is against him. Players like Rasheed Wallace act like it’s their birthright to be given millions of dollars and treated like kings. It’s embarrassing for those of us who have spent their lives in the NBA to see such antagonistic, ungrateful, resentful and obnoxious behavior. This guy has just got to wake up. Most people get it eventually (and I’ll be the first to admit that I am a slow learner), but Wallace is taking his time about it." -Bill Walton
Bill Walton rules!
BACK OFF!
Center: Marcus Camby Marcus Camby actually asked if the NBA would provide players with a clothing stipend to conform to the dress code.
I'm being serious.
I'm done talking about Marcus Camby.
Ricky Being Ricky
The Sixth Man: Ricky ‘Get Buckets’ Davis Ricky Davis was seen walking out of a hotel... wearing his own playing jersey. Does anyone else think this is the funniest thing in the world?
Most players wear ‘throw-backs’ or other player's jerseys to show support or by honoring them. Ricky Davis is honoring himself by wearing his own playing jersey. Classic!
I guess that’s just "Ricky being Ricky".
The Diesel
Honorable Mention: Shaquille O’Neal Shaquille O’Neal will violate the dress code in an effort to be funny. You see the problem with Shaq is he thinks he’s a comedian, and no one will tell him any different because he’s 8’10” and weights 700lbs. So if Shaq wants to be a comedian, Shaq is going to be a comedian.
Make us laugh Shaq, and continue to gain weight at a breakneck pace, so your career will slowly come to an end. After that, dress up like a 'Genie' and rap at all the open mic nights you can.
Why can't everyone 'just get it' like LeBron does?
So there you have it, 'The Mutha-Fuck-A-Dress-Code Team' is now in full effect!
would be better off if al qaida planned their next attack at the NBA all-star game. fuck the NBA, and fuck basketball, march madness included. the only person i even recognized from the article (other than shaq-fu) was iverson because he is such a degenerate asshole, how could he not be house-hold name. but great topic for an article- clever & funny.
Eric
????
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Posted: 11/14/2005 8:03:13 AM
Who the fuck is Ricky Davis?
K.W.
deuce,
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Posted: 11/14/2005 8:24:42 AM
Maybe the world would be better off if al qaida planned their next attack in your ass. The NBA is the sht. Pistons still rule. Hockey is what does all of the sucking. Unless you live here in the D and your team is still kicking ass from what you see in the paper. Always nice, even if it is the sport of trailer jockeys.
I do agree with you about march madness. College bball needs to go and so do office pools on MM. I would rather take a nutty shit in my pants than join another MM pool. Loved the article. Shhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd!!!!!
deuce
k-dubya
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Posted: 11/14/2005 8:50:30 AM
fuck hockey too. the NBA is a bunch of over paid pussies. the last time i even watched a basketball game was the dream team in barcelona. maybe i only hate basketball because i am short and white, and have about as much range as shaq but the fact is the season is too long and the only time basketball would get interesting to me is around playoffs but spring training has started and i have begun another naive season thinking griffey will save cinncy.
Phil
Canada
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Posted: 11/14/2005 9:06:06 AM
Steve Nash might deserve some consideration for this list. I mean, he won't even spend $12 at the nearest Supercuts to cut that shitty hair of his. And plus he's a fucking Canadian!! And we all know how Canadians feel about dress codes...those sneaky bastards.
Perhaps you could have an all-white backcourt with White Chocolate. We can call Steve "Canadian Bacon".
cavs fan
lebron
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Posted: 11/14/2005 9:09:13 AM
the 20 year old lebron james gets it. why can't the veteran players get it?
Joey
NBA
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Posted: 11/14/2005 9:24:27 AM
Is the NBA still even in existence? I thought the league went bankrupt after Magic Johnson retired and Micheal Jordan ruined the sport!
Come on you're kidding me! There is no more NBA, is there?????
Dave
Artest
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Posted: 11/14/2005 9:32:11 AM
Wasn't the beauty of the Artest situation the fact that he punched a guy who DIDN'T throw a drink on him? He couldn't see who did it so he just started grabbing dudes and punching. Kinda like Bush attacking Iraq after 9/11.
Atlas
Stan Van Jeremy
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Posted: 11/14/2005 10:03:30 AM
The "Stan Van Jeremy" is the best nickname of all time. Now I will not be able to watch another Heat game.
Eugene
Joey
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Posted: 11/14/2005 11:00:26 AM
I'm sorry bud, did I hear you say that Michael Jordan ruined the NBA? Nah, you couldn't have said THAT, because that would be the most retarded, ignorant statement relating to sports ever uttered by anyone.
That waste of oxygen Bill Maher called the dress code racist. I wanted to crack that asshole's skull.
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