Duke All-American Sheldon Williams

November provided us with some great early match ups in College Basketball (Gonzaga, Michigan State, UConn... I'm looking in your guys direction). However, the meat of the season has yet to begin. While powerhouse programs like Duke and Kentucky were out sharpening their claws against the South Dakota States and Texas Southern Pan-Am Refrigerator Repair Academies of the NCAA, other big name programs like Missouri and Michigan State were losing to Sam Houston State and Hawaii, respectively. One could blame those losses on either poor hydration (MSU) or a tooted-out head coach that couldn't coach his team out of a paper bag (Mizzou) but one thing is for sure...this College Basketball season, it's all up for grabs.

Since College B-Ball can be one of the hardest sports to follow, what with all the transferring, graduating, and incarceration of players from year to year, I've gone ahead and provided you with some Cliff Notes for the Big Ten. Now if you find yourself at a Christmas party, and the conversation turns to College Hoops, you don't have to stand there like some jerk-ass deaf mute, you can actually join into the conversation.

Of course since I'm from Illinois, the only hoops I regularly follow is the Big Ten, so if the conversation turns to the Big East or WAC or some shit, well, I'm of no real use to you. In that case, just steer the conversation towards how much Duke's Sheldon Williams looks like Ken Griffey Jr. after drinking too much nerve tonic on "The Simpsons" and you should be scot-free.

Otherwise, here is all you need to know about each Big Ten team to still be socially relevant while talking about sports:

Northwestern - Whoa, whoa, whoa... Northwestern is still in the Big Ten? Really? Still? God they stink.

Penn State - Now that Joe Paterno doesn't have a problem giving underclassmen large amounts of playing time, the Nittany Lions are poised to be the team to beat in the Big Ten. Oh, you're talking about basketball? Penn State has a basketball team? Well, I'll be damned.

Ohio State - This year really doesn't matter for the Buckeyes. As long as Thad Motta doesn't get arrested for the 18 prostitutes and the $27,500 he gave Greg Oden for commiting to OSU for next year, everything will come together in ought six/seven, things in Columbus will be a-okay. To hell with the present...the future is next year!

Minnesota - 'Sota has four seniors playing a ton of minutes this year, providing the Gophers with much needed leadership and experience. Unfortunately, most of their experience is in losing.

Nate Minnoy... kind of scary

Purdue - What's that you ask about Boilermaker Freshman Nate Minnoy? Have you seen him play? Yeah, he's a big fella! Goes about 6'3", 285. Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Nate Minnoy pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calamari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!" And my son is blind to this day! Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia. TO NATE MINNOY! Wait...wait...that was Bill Brasky...um...nevermind.

Michigan - Are they still on probation from the Fab Five era? No? Well, I'd be willing to bet that they'll find they're way back there sometime soon.

Wisconsin - I've heard Badger Freshman DeAaron Williams has an abnormally small penis. That's right, DeAaron. We all know now. When you're from Illinois, you play ball at Illinois. Especially if you're from Peoria. If you don't, rumors get started. Rumors about your tiny crank.

Iowa - The Hawkeye program hasn't been the same since Joey Range and his 23 illegitimate children left town. They're not bad or anything... just not nearly as entertaining.

Illinois - Most people thought replacing Deron Williams and Luther Head in the Illini's backcourt would be the hardest part of the Illini's rebuilding season, but as it turns out, replacing Nick Smith was actually impossible. Apparently 7' 3" white guys who look like Big Bird and have asthma aren't nearly as plentiful as they once were. That's probably a good thing.

Indiana - Some people think that Mike Davis may have his best team yet with this current crop of Hoosiers. Some people think that he's a rather handsome man. I, for one, agree with both camps.

Michigan State - With the bulk of their team returning from last year's Final Four run, it looks like the Spartans will have the Izzone rocking again this year. Yeah, their arena is nicknamed the "Izzone." That's classic East Lansing, alright.

There will never be another Nick Smith (thank god.)

What a bunch of fags.

That's the Big Ten in a nut shell...what do you guys know about the other conferences?