Smart, fearless, controversial: these are just a few of the adjectives that can be used to describe comedian Janeane Garofalo. From her early days in stand-up to her current job with Air America Radio, Garofalo has never been afraid to speak her mind about the most divisive political issues of the day. That’s why we didn’t interview her. If we had she probably would’ve spent the whole interview talking about abortion and shit, and it would have been really uncomfortable for everybody involved.

So instead, we decided to interview actor/comedian extraordinaire Jim Gaffigan. We knew he wouldn’t bring up any “lady issues.” Jim only talks about cool stuff like food and sleep, and to top it all off he’s hysterical. Perhaps best known for his stand-up routine involving Hot Pockets (Pop Tarts with really nasty meat) and manatees (yeah, whatever, sea cow), Jim has appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman a record 11 times (okay, that’s his personal record). He has also appeared in numerous film and television roles (“That 70’s Show”, “Law and Order”, and Super Troopers, just to name a few) as well as several successful ad campaigns (Sierra Mist, ESPN).

The Phat Phree caught up with Jim at his beautiful home somewhere in the New York City area. Once inside, we got Jim to open up about his Hoosier roots, his non-existent feud with Michael Ian Black, and his recent Comedy Central special which will be rebroadcast on February 4th. We also made several cheap “gay” jokes because we’re not very confident about our interviewing skills or our sexuality. Sorry.

The Phat Phree: Thanks for agreeing to the interview, and for inviting me into your beautiful home. You have some very interesting artwork. I had no idea you were such an avid collector of Asian erotica.

Jim Gaffigan: That is my wife, sir.

TPP: Oh, you must be very proud. Now then, between all of your stand-up shows and acting gigs I’m sure you must be extremely busy. How do you still find time to read The Phat Phree every day?

JG: I don’t sleep. It was sleep or The Phat Phree and I chose The Phat Phree.

TPP: You are perhaps best known for your jokes involving Hot Pockets? What led to your fascination with these frozen delicacies?

JG: I suppose the bad advertising and the horrible name. The hot pockets commercial seemed like an old SNL sketch to me.

TPP: Have you ever received an angry letter from the people at Hot Pockets?

JG: Nope. I’ve had people that work for the Hot Pocket company buy stacks of CDs, but no complaints.

TPP: Another favorite topic of yours is the Manatee. Why do you hold such a special place in your heart for these odd creatures?

JG: There is something incredibly vulnerable and sweet about the manatee. And frankly I identify with the manatee in many ways.

TPP: On your stand-up album “The Last Supper” there is a clip of an irate hillbilly woman who was upset with your suggestion that Jesus may have been a shitty carpenter. How does a comedian who focuses mainly on junk food and sea cows still manage to offend people?

JG: Great point. I love when I do a benefit and there a bunch of comics on the line up and the crowd is offended by me. I always think, “wow if you find me offensive, you really are gonna have a problem with the people behind me.”

TPP: As your numerous pope jokes illustrate, your Catholic upbringing has obviously influenced your stand-up routine. As a Catholic, do you judge my ex-girlfriend, Sarah Johnson, for having several abortions?

JG: It ain’t easy admitting you’re Catholic today. Does you ex-girlfriend judge me?

TPP: Yes. She‘s a judgmental bitch. Speaking of the Church‘s problems, you once played a pedophile on “Law and Order”. While you must have been happy to have landed the part, did you find it a bit disturbing that out of all the actors who went out for the role you were chosen as the most believable child molester?

JG: They told me you and your mom weren’t available for the role so I took it.

TPP: Oh snap! (I high-fived Jim for that one.) A few months back the Phat Phree interviewed your partner from the Sierra Mist commercials, Michael Ian Black (Wet Hot American Summer, “Stella”). I have it on good authority that claims to have “carried you through the all the commercials.” Would you care to respond to Mr. Black?

JG: I agree with him totally.

TPP: Did you receive a lifetime supply of Sierra Mist, or any other perks from Pepsi Co. for your work in the commercials?

JG: No, just good old money

TPP: Aside from your commercial work you have appeared in numerous films and television shows, including your own sitcom “Welcome to New York”. Do you have one role that you consider your favorite?

JG: The role of your friend.

TPP: Pilgrim, you honor me. To what do you attribute the success of your latest show, “Life According to Jim”?

JG: That I get to do a song every couple episodes and- Hey, wait… That isn’t me.

TPP: Oh? Is staring in another sitcom something you are still actively pursuing?

JG: I pursue all kinds of acting work. If I had my choice I’d rather be in a dramedy.

TPP: Speaking of camels, your most recent film, “The Great New Wonderful”, deals with life in post 9-11 New York. In your opinion, why all these terrorists be hate’n on our freedom, and shit?

JG: So basically you are saying you hate America. Unlike you I love this country.

TPP: You had a brief role along side Kieran Culkin in the film “Igby Goes Down”. Do you find Kieran to be more or less sexy than Macaulay, and why?

JG: I seem to always find women more sexy than men. I’m weird like that.

TPP: So you’d choose Macaulay. Interesting choice. Meow, where were we? Ha! Do you get it! I said “meow” instead of “now,” just like in Super Troopers! It’s a line from your movie! Meow! Ha! Aren’t I funny; funny just like that movie?

JG: If I had a nickel for every time someone said meow to me, I’d be a nickelaire.

TPP: Wow, it’s hot in here. If it’s all the same to you I’m just going to take off my shirt.

JG: Feel free. Wow I’m glad I didn’t eat before this.

TPP: They‘re not that big. At any rate, both stand-up comedy and acting are very daunting professions. What drove you toward these potentially glamorous, but brutally unforgiving careers: abandonment issues, childhood molestation, or both?

JG: Can we keep your issues out of this? I got into stand up so I could meet you.

TPP: What do you think you’d be doing today if you had not pursued comedy/acting?

JG: Probably napping.

TPP: If it’s all the same to you I’m just going gently run my fingers through your chest hair.

JG: Um, ok.

TPP: Soft. You recently filmed an hour-long stand-up special for Comedy Central. Since it’s an hour long as opposed to the usual half-hour it sounds like it’s going to be a big deal. What can we expect when it airs this month?

JG: Well it will be an hour long. Um… I’ll be in it. Uh it’s on Comedy Central February 4th at 7 and 11pm.

TPP: You filmed the special in Chicago. Any particular reason for that?

JG: I wanted to do the special in the Midwest and I grew up outside of Chicago.

TPP: Speaking of which, you often refer to your move from Indiana to New York City as an immigrant experience. As an immigrant, how do you justify stealing a real American’s job, exploiting social services, and overflowing the schools with your filthy, non-assimilating Midwestern children?

JG: I want my kid to run for president.

TPP: As a fellow native of Northwest Indiana (a.k.a. the Region), I just have to ask. Do you miss being close to the city<