There were few things that I thought were more awesome than the Transformers back when I was a kid. I was also a Gobots fan, sort of by default, because my parents wouldn’t always buy me the more expensive robots in disguise. As a kid, there wasn’t really anything as sweet as a cool car or jet that turned into a homicidal robot. In the Gobots' case, it wasn’t actually transforming as much as it was flipping a car upright that had a painted picture of a robot on the bottom. They weren't really robots as much as they were vehicles with arms and legs. Regardless, I loved the damn things. The cartoons were pretty awesome as well. I do, however, have a problem with a few of the Transformers/Gobots characters. While I always found the toys and cartoons to be entertaining, I must express my sheer fury over the five worst Transformer/Gobot characters ever.

5. Grimlock and the Dinobots -The Transformers

All right, I get it. Kids love robots. Kids love Dinosaurs. It all makes sense on the business end, but what about the storyline side of it all? Why in the fuck were these guys turning into dinosaurs and speaking at the level of a retarded-second-grader? If you are rationalizing this, you should be beaten unmercifully with a crowbar.

“Me, Grimlock, turn into a less mobile killing machine! I could get around fine as a robot and shoot the shit out of you with my gun, but I think I’ll turn into a wobbly-ass T-Rex and act like a motherfucking retard. Rahhhh. Grimlock mad!”

Robots in disguise, huh? Yeah, Grimlock, you fit right in when you turn into a giant metallic version of a creature that has been extinct for millions of years.

“Hmmmm?” said Starscream. “I can’t seem to find the Autobot I was just chasing? All that’s here is a mailbox, a secluded storefront, a taxi cab, and a gigantic Tyrannosaurus Rex made out of metal and plastered with Autobot symbols.”

Ugh.

4. Perceptor -The Transformers

“Sweet, I turn into a futuristic cannon!”
“Alright, I turn into a Porshe!”
“Holy shit, I turn into a fighter jet!”
“Awesome, I turn into a planet that eats other planets for sustenance”
“Ummmmmm… I turn into a microscope.”

What in the fucking hell am I suppose to say about this character? Are you serious? A microscope? A motherfucking microscope?”

“Jazz, transform into a Porsche and get this info to headquarters!"

“Perceptor… Go transform and look at some slides of pond water. Remember to take off your lens cap.”

Perceptor should have been shot and killed in the first minute after he was introduced on the show.

3. Bumblebee – The Transformers

This fucking bitch turned into a yellow, eighties-style Volkswagon bug. At least it wasn’t the modern version. That is the only possible way he could be any more of a complete pussy. Was there really any more of a bitch on the show than this motherfucking skirt? He was the one Autobot that had to hang out with the human kid, because the other Transformers wouldn’t be his friend. He would get taken hostage in every single episode because he was a stupid fuckface.

“Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz! My name is Bumblebee! I fucking suck robot cock and watch 'Oprah'! Why am I a character on this show? Am I big or strong?”

No.

“Do I transform into something cool?”

No

“Oh, then I must be really tough for my small stature?”

Nope. Guess again.

“Is it because I am really smart and defeat enemies with my mind?”

Shithead, you are the one dipshit that falls into Megatron’s trap every single time. Then, everyone has to spend an episode rescuing you.

“Oh, I get it. I am a character on the show because I play the role of a pussy-ass-bitch!”

Bingo. If this was Super Mario Brothers, you would be the Princess, asshole. Shouldn't a 16-year old chick be driving you to the mall?

2. Scooter – Gobots

Gobots had three major good-guy characters. Three. They had to come up with three motherfucking characters for their original storyline. One was a fighter jet. One was a red sports car. And the other was a scooter. His name was appropriately, Scooter. How did no one see this as a problem? The bad guys had a motorcycle, a helicopter, and a sports car. Who in the fuck does the moped match up with? The cartoon made sure to match him up with a really feminine, whiny voice as well. I am at a complete loss for words. How is a scooter one of your top six ideas? While you were at it, you should have made one that turned into a wheelchair. Unreal. Please let me try some of what you were on back in the eighties. Please.

1. Rock Lords - Gobots

“Hey, I am in charge of pitching ideas to Tonka about new Gobot characters. Yeah, the same guy who came up with "Scooter." I’ve been given two weeks to come up with the next big thing for the Gobot franchise. Instead of planning and researching about what kids like, I smoked a pound of crack, beat myself across the skull with a mallet, and shoved a pair of scissors into my ear. When I came to, the executive in charge of the Gobot franchise was patting me on the back, and an entire line of robots that transformed into rocks hit the store shelves. Seriously. Look it up if you don't believe me.”

Rocks. The robots turned into rocks.