We owe a lot to the tokens!

One of my earliest childhood memories is of a family member, who for anonymity’s sake I will refer to as "Uncle Mom", telling me to “take that god-damned penny out of [my] mouth” because “it could have been in some n****r’s shoe.” With an upbringing like that, one would think I’d already be running my own white-supremacist church out of the back of a school bus. But surprisingly, this is not the case. Somewhere along the line I realized that, contrary to what Uncle Mom said, every black person I saw wasn’t going to shoot me for my Air Jordan’s (truth be told, I was probably wearing LA Gears).

All things considered, I turned out pretty well in the racial sensitivity department. I never use slurs unless they’re really funny, or if I’ve been drinking. My adolescent fascination with the Third Reich found a healthy outlet in the form of a history degree. Hell, I even watched Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. The fact that I now wish I could shove Tyler Perry’s scrotum into a box of extra-sharp thumbtacks has nothing to do with his race, which only further proves how not racist I am. Unity through diversity, bitches!

But given my less than enlightened upbringing, how did I end up to be so goddamned tolerant? The answer can be summed up in one simple word: tokens.

Yes, token black actors were my only source for racial enlightenment. Sure, there was "The Cosby Show", "The Jeffersons", and "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", but do you really think I‘d get away with watching an all-black show in Uncle Mom‘s cabin? Not likely.

However, the tokens were discrete enough to slip under Uncle Mom’s black-dar, while at the same time they were black enough to be a powerful force for change, knocking down hurtful stereotypes, and replacing them with newer, more socially acceptable stereotypes that won‘t be considered hurtful for about another twenty years. If not for the tokens, I may never have known that black people are the epitome of cool, while white people are a bunch of lame-o’s who can’t jump or dance or make proper love to a woman.

So with another Black History Month behind us, what better time than now to honor the tokens. Keep in mind that this is my personal ranking of the tokens that made the most profound impact on my childhood. As such, it’s heavily skewed toward the mid-eighties. This list is by no means comprehensive, so don't ask me why I left out Morgan Freeman. If you disagree with my choices, or think I’ve left someone deserving off the list, go screw yourself. Then clean yourself off and list your own choices on the comment boards below. Click a bunch of ads while you're doing it. Then buy a Phat Phree t-shirt.

And now, without further ado, I give you the tokens of my affection!

5. Captain Katanga from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
As played by George Harris (II)

“Jones is dead. I killed him. He was of no use to us.”

Captain Katanga is a rather obscure choice, but he’s also a great example of a what makes a good token. He's about the only black guy in the movie, and he could have easily been just another white dude, but the filmmakers needed at least one black character to show that Indy wasn't a bigot. More importantly, although the character is minor, he is still extremely important to the plot.

When the Nazis board the ship, Katanga plays it cool, and doesn't blow Indy's cover. He even acts like he's a “savage” in an attempt to save Indy's bitch from the Nazis.

Lesson: Katanga taught me that blacks and whites get along a lot better when they have a mutual enemy, like the Nazis. Fucking Germans. Nothing changes.

4. Winston Zeddmore from Ghost Busters
As Played by Ernie Hudson

“Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen shit that'll turn you white.”

Winston was the only non-Ph.D. in the group. However, what he lacked in higher education he more than made up for with common sense, a trait the group was sorely lacking.

“Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say 'Yes'!”

Good advice, Winston.

Lesson: Winston taught me that, despite what Uncle Mom said, there were better things to be afraid of in this world than black people, like that pre-historic bitch, Zuul, for starters.

3. Gordon Robinson from Sesame Street
As played by Roscoe Orman

“Can you show me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”

Gordon Robinson was, and continues to be, the big bald black dude on Sesame Street. He is one of the longest-running characters on the show, and on TV in general.

Lesson: Mr. Robinson taught me that no matter what a person's skin color....wait. You know what, Mr. Robinson didn't teach me shit.

To be honest, I don't remember anything about him except that he was black and bald. And that's the beauty of the show. On "Sesame Street" you could see dudes shacking up together, cookie junkies, and grouches living in garbage cans yelling mean things at passers-by. With shit like that going down, the last thing you are going to worry about is someone's skin color. It's just like in a real urban area. As long as someone isn't trying to bite your face or steal your wallet, it's all good.

2. Sergeant Bosco "Bad Attitude" Baracus from The A-Team
As Played by Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud)

Murdock: "I wish I could just jump in the water and live like a fish."
B.A. Baracus: "Shut up fool, you ain't no fish!"

The only black member of the A-Team, and by far the coolest, B.A. Baracus was one tough hombre who didn’t take no shit from no-body, especially not some goofy-ass white boy like Murdock.

Lesson 1: As a goofy-ass white boy, this taught me a valuable lesson: don’t give big black dudes any shit.

Lesson 2: B.A.'s Mohawk, gold chains, and overall disregard for fashion norms also taught me that black celebrities can wear whatever they damn well please. This precedent paved the way for today's generation of black performers, as well as their white imitators, to wear whatever they want no matter how fucking ridiculous they look.

What? No, of course I didn't mean you, "will.i.am" from the Black Eyed Peas. You're one of the good ones.

1. Lando Calrissian from the Star Wars Trilogy
As Played by Billy Dee Williams


“How you doin' Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?”

Yeah, maybe it's a predictable choice, but Lando is the ultimate token. George Lucas knew that if he was only going to have one black dude in the entire Star Wars universe, he was going to have to be the coolest motherfucker in it. And Lando certainly is one cool motherfucker.

For starters, he wears a cape, but he doesn’t look like a douche bag. In fact, he looks like a bad ass! Show me a white guy besides Batman who can pull that off. Even Superman looks like jag-off in his cape, but nobody’s got the balls to tell him. Way to go, Lando!

Second, he owns Cloud City. Who else has a city that fucking floats in the air? Nobody, that’s who! Plus, he does a great job running the place. Compare that to Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, Chocolate City’s Ray Nagin, or Washington D.C.’s Marion “Bitch Set Me Up” Barry. Lando might just be the greatest black mayor of all time.

Last, but not least, he double-crossed Han Solo, Darth Vader, and Jabba the Hut, and not only did he live to tell the tale, but he went on to use the Millennium Falcon to blow up the god damn Death Star! What more do you want? Greatest<