Every year, people talk about how "Saturday Night Live" has hit an all-time low and should be cancelled. We think these people should just shut up, stop bitching and be glad that it’s still on. Because when it does go off, it’s time slot all but ensures that it will be replaced by an infomercial for either a tooth-whitening system or “Nads”, the easy way to remove unsightly body hair.

Sure, "SNL" blows sometimes. Some sketches are fucking miserable, and 90 percent go on about ten minutes too long. But that’s life. Nothing is 100% great all the time, and no one’s making you watch it anyway, even though most of us have. That being said, there have been a few times throughout the hallowed history of "SNL" that even our limited faith has been shaken in this revered comedic institution. With all those cast members over the years, you are bound to have more misses than hits. With that in mind, we present to you, our Top Ten Worst "SNL" Cast Members of all time.


Jimmy Fallon:

This guy, admittedly, could have been funny and he had the chops for a decent impersonation or two. The problem is the only thing he will ever be remembered for is smirking, breaking, and laughing at himself uncontrollably. If only Lorne Michaels had the balls to yell “Get your shit together; half that stuff you were laughing at wasn't even funny!” Fallon doomed himself to this list with his self-love. Plus he worked way too hard for that messy hair John Mayer wannabe look.

Memorable Character: Nick Burns. You’re Company’s Computer Guy


Colin Quinn:

Talk about range! Whether he’s playing a slow-talking New York construction worker, a slow-talking New Yorker at a ball game, or a slow-talking New Yorker in New York, the impression was always dead on. Quinn was also responsible for the most painful tenure at the "Weekend Update" news desk in SNL history. We don’t know whose idea it was to put the heavily accented, apparently barely literate cast member with an achingly stilted delivery at the helm, but bravo! The worst was when he actually had to try to act and banter with his guest correspondents. Excruciating.

*Note* Both writers of this piece have personally met Colin Quinn on separate occasions and found him to be a very cool and likable guy. We both proceeded to hypocritically stroke him off and tell him what a genius he was. However, this does not change our overall opinion of him as a performer, and, as he is not in the room with us right now, we feel the need to viciously tear him down. We are not proud men.

Most Memorable character: Joe Blow. The blue collar New Yorker.


Charles Rocket:

Okay, let’s see, we need a replacement at the "Weekend Update" news desk for Jane Curtain, Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd. This is gonna be tough. That’s a lot of star power there. Hey look! It’s Charles Rocket! Jackpot!

Lack of talent aside, this stiff should have been forbidden to appear on any form of television for his name alone. It’s not even a porn name, it’s a name that a seventh grade kid would give himself to try to sound cool. Charles Rocket committed suicide in 2005, having inadvertently come to the painful realization that he was Charles Rocket.

Most Memorable Character: A wretched impression of Ronald Reagan.


Ellen Cleghorne:

Okay listen up everybody, we need a black woman! Quick! People are complaining! We need to prove that we’re progressive and “with it”. What? Does she need to be talented? Of course not! I don’t expect miracles! Funny? Well, that would be nice, but once again, beggars can’t be choosers. Let’s make this happen, people. Who’s this? Ellen Who-horne? Keghorne? Great! Where’d you find her? On the bus. Well that’s lucky. Has she ever performed before? No? That’s good. It’s raw. I like raw. Give her a dressing room and put her front and center in the new cast picture. The future is now!

Most Memorable Character: Queen Shaniqua, The Angry Black Woman. (no really!)


Horatio Sanz:

If only Chris Farley was somehow Spanish, less funny, and always looked like he had just been sniffing glue more often. There ya go!Awesome! He excels at making a sub-par sketch enjoyable for the cast by making them laugh, but not so much the viewing audience. And we’ll also throw in that he graduated, with honors, from the Jimmy Fallon Smirk and Break In Every Scene University.

Memorable Character: Spanish Guitar player on the Antonio Banderas…How Es you say?...Ah yes… Show.


Julia Sweeney:

“Pat Sketch #97: How about we put Pat in a row boat with a guy that is supposed to be a physical trainer and he has no idea what gender Pat is. Won’t that be funny?” No….

Known for no other character(or anything else really), Julia is forever etched in peoples’ minds as “Pat”, the androgynous oddball whose single premise sketches seemed to keep coming back over and over and over, regardless of how dead the joke was. The only consolation may be that she is now probably harassed on the street daily by strangers doing their best “Pat” impersonation for her. “You made your bed Julia….Ewwwwww uuuughhhhhhh…”

Memorable Character: Pat


Tracy Morgan:

Tracy, you can stop doing your impersonation of a retarded black man anytime now. Seriously, this is a different sketch Tracy. What outreach program did you say you were from?

Memorable Character: Brian Fellow, Host of “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”


Jay Mohr:

What a glorified extra this guy was. Mohr proved that stand-ups do not always make good SNL cast members. You might remember him as “Cop in background” or “Confused fan #4 at football game in a sketch that featured an actual funny person”. Mohr gets special notice on this list for thievery. At one point he got so desperate for face time that he actually blatantly stole a sketch idea from a fellow comic and put it on "SNL". He wrote all about this in his book. The beauty is that the sketch still bombed, and so did his self-involved book about the whole experience.

Memorable Character: Rock and Roll Real Estate Guy. Ouch.


Victoria Jackson:

I still hear this woman’s voice in my nightmares. Once again, we must address the issue of range. How many parts did they assume this one-note blithering idiot would be able to tackle? I went to high school with ten girls just like this. Why were THEY not wasting my time on "Saturday Night Live"? Victoria is currently featured on Celebrity Fit Club where she lost 22 pounds and still left fat. She’s also a devout Christian fundamentalist which does little to distance herself from the “Moron” impression she left on people while on SNL. If you go to her websitewebsite you’ll see that she’ll be “performing” at the Promise Village Home for Children with "SNL" Alums Joe Piscopo and Father Guido Sarducci on June 30. And no, I’m not making that up.

Memorable Character: Bimbo.


Good Burger: (Do you need to know his real name?):

“Hey guys! Do you need an impression of Al Sharpton this week? No? How about Bill Cosby? No? Anyone want to see my knuckle puck*? Fuck this! I’m going to go host 'Super Sloppy Double Dare'”

We can only imagine that on the set of "SNL" everyone calls him "Nickelodeon". He hasn’t treaded too far from his days of doing sketches on “All That”. If there was only a way he could go back. Our hypothesis is that Lorne Michaels lost a bet with someone at Universal studios.

Memorable Character: None

*Knuckle Puck is a reference to one of the best movies of all time. Mighty Ducks 2. It's hilariously bad. Rent it. Watch it. Love it. Waste 90 minutes of your time in the name of kitsch.

Honorable mention:

Tim Meadows:

He had the longest tenure of any cast member in the history of SNL (ten years) and all he has to show for it is the “Ladies Man”.

Memorable Character: Lionel Osborne Host of “Perspectives”


Laraine Newman

She was about as funny as she was fat. This anorexic twig rode the coattails of the original cast and disappeared into obscurity. We assume she was doing more blow than Chevy Chase so she didn't make the list.

Memorable Characters: Connie Conehead

Garrett Morris:

Often appearing both surprised and confused, Garret's appeal was that he always looked like he didn't know what was going on. We suspect that Garrett didn't actually know that he was on a television show.

Memorable Character: Chico Escuela

Jim Henson's Muppets:

Though only appearing during the 1975 inaugural season, and not resembling anything from the actual Muppet show that would arrive a year later, “Jim Henson’s Muppets” debuted on "SNL" and played to an absolutely silent audience each week. As a childhood fan of the later "Muppet Show", I have no justifiable explanation for this. To us, it would be like having Rob Zombie appear on “Blues Clues”.

Memorable Character: That one monster that sounded like Rolf the Piano playing dog.

The 1980-81 Cast

Often described as the quintessential worst season of "SNL" to date(which is saying quite a bit), the 1980-1981 cast was given the impossible task of reigniting the fires of comedy after the last remaining originals left, along with Lorne Michaels, the year before. They failed miserably. When your Power Player is Joe Piscopo, you are in for a LONG season. They could not be listed, as there were too many of them and most were gone the following year, so their names would be as foreign as Chinese opera stars in Texas. The closest you get to star power in that line up was Laurie Metcalf, and I think the chick that played Bull’s Girlfriend on "Night Court". She might have been in there too.

Shitty Nepotism:

An interesting phenomenon in SNL history is the hiring of the siblings of popular cast members in hopes that they too will be funny. The practice has been a colossal failure. If you think Jim Belushi is miserably unfunny, (and he is) just check out some old episodes featuring Brian Doyle Murray and, no joke, Peter Aykroyd.

FYI Lorne…
Josh Myers is still looking for work… Don't even THINK about it!

Phat Phree staffers Jim Fath and Mike Polk collaborated on this piece.