Actual Text From Proctor and Gamble CEO Alan Lafley’s New Product Announcement

The boom era of oral care is over. However, you foolish consumers, this is a good thing. For too long we’ve created problems and you’ve bought our solutions. We’ve offered products for your every void. On behalf of all the folks at Crest, we’re sorry. But, more importantly, we’re happy, because we’re unveiling the 16-inch Crest Kielbasa that will put an end to the dental foreplay we’ve teased you with for the past ten years.

Remember plain old toothpaste? Yeah, it still works dandily. You, however, wouldn’t know that, because we’ve shoved the alleged benefits of Tarter Control, Cavity Protection, Multicare, Orange Flavor, French Vanilla, Baking Soda and Whitening toothpastes down your insecure throats. Crest's Product Line

I’m not saying to gorge yourself on a 3-lb packet of Brach’s caramels in light of this new information, but just know that what you saw as a scientific breakthrough was merely better packaging. A shinier label. A different adjective that spoke to your insecurity.

And whiteness. What business that was. Heck, we fired all of our black employees just to show our commitment. And don’t give me that ACLU bullshit. From toothpaste to whitening strips, we flat-out convinced you that your mouth was yellowing like a 1983 Cincinnati Enquirer classified section. And 14 days later, when you still looked like a yard goblin because your teeth were, frankly, kernels of rotting corn, we told you to end yourself. Because if Crest can’t fix your dental insecurity, suicide can.

You'll never need a toothbrush again!

For too long, we’ve toyed around in the oral care kiddie pool, offering redundant frills for the edges of your mouth.

But today, we’re putting an end to these band-aid solutions. No more false promises. We are proud to unveil the new Crest Kielbasa, the world’s first esophagus pipe cleaner. This 16-inch Kielbasa cuts to the chase in the fight against bacteria. Forget the delicate floss or the faggety allure of extra bristles; this new throat hose will shovel heaping chunks of bacteria out of your stomach and down the bathroom sink drain where they belong.

Don’t be alarmed by the Kielbasa's size, or its intimidating midnight black color. This battery-powered pipe cleaner sits neatly on your bathroom sink and should be shoved down your own throat every night before bed. It’s so powerful, it doesn’t need a special flavor or adjective to claim its benefits. You’ll know it’s working when you’re gagging and dry-heaving.

Crest swears the new marketing strategy isn't racist.

Also, you’ll be happy to know that four out of five dentists say that using the new Crest Kielbasa is like having your own miniature Michael Clarke Duncan esophagus slave. Take that, ACLU!

I’m going to give it to you straight. Halitosis is a nefarious stew brewed in the cavernous pits of your bacteria-ridden stomach. The Crest Kielbasa will fight that battle for you at its root, so you don’t have to fight it in the friendly confines of your mouth.

And if it’s not fresh breath that you seek in your oral care purchases, but some petty form of individuality, to show to other bathroom goers that you are indeed unique, I’m just flat out sorry for you. You want identity? Buy a Honda with a trunk spoiler. You want the cleanest esophagus and oral orifice that modern science will permit? Head over to CVS and start sucking back your own Kielbasa today. Order our family four-pack and look for the special Crest Bukkake label.