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I'm in the middle
With the recent theft of Johnny Damon, I really had to sit down to ponder which Red Sox I would genuinely have sexual encounters with. I mean, obviously, Johnny was number one. There isn’t a repressed housewife on the East Coast that wouldn’t do him. He’s the Joe Namath of baseball. I mean, c’mon, he has twins. TWINS! How freakin cute is that?
But, now that Mr. Damon has switched over to the dark side, we are able to see who he really is. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense. I mean that in a very literal, “Holy Shit! What happened to your face?” kinda way. Being forced to shave that sexy, bad-ass scruff and cut his glistening, flowing, magnificent locks has exposed the public to what he really looks like. It’s the baseball equivalent to the last call lights at a bar, when you look over and no beer goggles can mask the wildebeest you’ve been making out with for an hour that these lights have just exposed. This is a face that looks slightly like a tanner Hideki Matsui (who I would definitely not do). Ew!
And so, in response to the recent disillusionment by my former Number One, I’ve taken a long hard (pun intended) look at the Boston roster and revised my list. Enjoy!
Manny Ramirez: Don’t let the clever “ManRam” nickname fool you. The only thing he’ll be ramming is my ass when I’m bent over the infield wall. Maybe it’s the crazy hair. Maybe it’s the bad boy persona. Maybe it’s the 45 homeruns he hit in ‘05. Maybe it’s all these things wrapped so nicely into a Bronx-born bad-ass that makes me want to be dug out in the dugout. Who cares? Manny can stick it anywhere. Please don’t leave Verdict: Do. Bonus points if he lets me call him Manny “The Jet” Ramirez [NOTE: That was a reference to Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez in the greatest movie ever, The Sandlot. If you have not seen it, rent it IMMEDIATELY. If you have never heard of it, please stop reading this article.]
David Ortiz: On one hand, he’s one of the greatest clutch players ever. On the other, he looks like a gorilla. I thought about doing him just because he should’ve been MVP last year but, logistically, that wouldn’t work. He couldn’t be on top, because I would die. I couldn’t be on top because dammit, I’m really not that flexible. So, it would probably have to be from behind and even calling him “Manny” wouldn’t make that fun. Oh well, I guess he’ll have to settle for a congratulatory hand job, but I’d use KY Warming to make it extra nice. Sorry, Papi, but Spanish nicknames just aren’t my thing. But he’s such a good hitter Verdict: Not Do
Jason Varitek: Tek’s quads are so big that I can’t even come up with a funny analogy for them. But he was so adorable in the infamous manhug victory celebration with Foulke in 2004. Look, look. Awwwwww!!!!! I guess he could do wall sits and I’d straddle him and lick his shaved head. I imagine it to taste like peanut butter. Verdict: Do
Trot Nixon: Trot Nixon hit the only grand slam I’ve ever seen in person. I would do him solely on that. Plus, his name is “Trot.” Done and done. (Trot is only his middle name, shhhh) Verdict: Do
Theo Epstein: So he’s not “technically” a “player”. Theo is a no-brainer. He’s easily hotter than any of the actual players, but without the whole “good at baseball” thing. He’s wicked smaaht, young, and, again, hot. Plus, he plays hard-to-get with the management, and what self-destructive girl doesn’t want a guy who plays mind games? Way hotter than Theo Huxtable (sorry Malcolm) Verdict: Do!!!!
Bronson Arroyo: OK, I was seriously thinking about doing BroYo until I saw this picture . The white boy braids of ‘04 were strangely appealing and I could maybe, MAYBE deal with “Covering the Bases,” his cleverly-titled CD where he sings covers (haha, get it?) of, among others, the Goo Goo Dolls. But seriously, Pacy, Joey may have liked bleached hair back when she was a God-fearing Midwestern girl, but now that Tom tells her not to, the look just doesn’t work. He’s also got juuuuust enough chin pubes to make me think that’s all he can grow. Which is fine, but anyone who puts that much grooming into the mutant caterpillars currently residing above his eyes should put a little more primping effort into the lower half of his face. That’s all I’m saying. The Queer Eye guys missed one. Verdict: Not Do
[NOTE: The Red Sox have since traded Arroyo. Most likely because of his hair.]
Curt Schilling: Nothing screams "sex" more than a bloody sock. While 2005 may not have been his best season, the way this man sacrificed his body in ’04 makes me want to do many unholy things to him. But the problem is that Curt is a very holy man. He has a happy family and a wife that he probably doesn’t cheat on. He goes to church and loves W. I could not, in good conscience, do him. My love would taint his legend, resulting in an ’06 downward spiral that all the Roger Clemens Jrs. (ie: Josh Beckett) they acquire in the off-season could not save. Plus, it would probably be missionary. There go my pants Verdict: Not Do
David Wells
What do you think?
Ok, so I’m a bitch. Verdict: Not Do
Josh Beckett: Hey, the Red Sox got a new pitcher! He’s 25 and single, roarrrr! He’s 6’5”, 220, meoooow! He looks like this:
Oh.
I admit it, I don’t follow the Marlins. To be honest, with the exception of the Red Sox (and, in turn, the Yankees), I don’t follow the MLB. So, I did not know what Beckett looked like until I saw this picture. I prayed it was just because the roster photographer was a poorly-paid former yearbook photographer who lost his last gig because the little boys made him a little too happy, and now he’s resigned to taking pictures of grown men with poor choices in facial hair, so he doesn’t give a shit how their headshots turn out because they’ll never brighten his day (and pants) like little Bobby Morrison’s toothless grin.
But, upon further research, I found out that this is indeed what Josh Beckett looks like. Why someone would do that to their face, I have no idea. That’s not a beard, it’s a chimney sweep for some poor girl’s asscrack. Verdict: Not Do
So, that’s it. I’m sure I missed some good ones, so let me know.
Go Oakland!!!!! Awww fuck. I just smelled my own breath. Somebody off me.
tim
papi would tear you up
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Posted: 3/21/2006 3:48:27 AM
papi would send you to the er where you would you would have to be stiched like kobe's victim. you do the math, you don't have enough ky. good luck f'n the red sox
Dan Opp
PIC Staff Writer
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Posted: 3/21/2006 5:58:27 AM
"..that makes me want to be dug out in the dugout."
I very nearly pissed my pants when I read that. Luckily, I got my pants off in time before I involuntarily firehosed all over my room.
Derek
Prediction
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Posted: 3/21/2006 7:28:59 AM
A lot of fawning because a hot chick wrote an article.
Varitek has a sweet jail pussy. The fact that you'd consider having sex with these disgusting slobs shows you have the taste of a Boston chick. Come down to New York and drop that trend of liking the sox. It was so 2004.
Come to think of it, the prevelance of jail muff on Boston players is a little scary. I love that Arroyo just has the Brasilian.. that's hot.
Gabe Kapler
what about MUSCLES??
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Posted: 3/21/2006 8:55:05 AM
are you a red sox fan?? come on!! how about doing it every which way for the gimp, fuckin gabe kapler?? the guy was a god damn fitness model for christ sake, and is the ONLY player on the sox id ever want to look like.. and i think i speak for about.. oh.. 99% of the NATION on this one.. or maybe he "aint your type".. come on now?
james
ortiz...
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Posted: 3/21/2006 9:03:51 AM
...is gay anyway. i honestly belive this to be true, and there are several reports that indicate likewise. i think he will be the first household name baseball player to come out f the closet.
Gabe Kapler
ortiz is not gay ya moron
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Posted: 3/21/2006 9:05:17 AM
ever seen his big booty white chick wife?? please, im sure he plows away on that all day.
T-Bone
New writer day?!?
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Posted: 3/21/2006 9:17:38 AM
What's up with all the newbie's on TPP? Its not like anything was die laughing out of your seat funny. I know DeMarco wanted to clean house after Stern started writing about his 'tip' and a whole bunch of other awful shit that should have never been put on print, but damn.... Does TPP have spring break something? Maybe a writers strikes and these chumps are the replacements? What's going on? Still loved the Boston reference. Annalisa, we should meet up in Boston. Your picture has you in my favor position already: drunk and laying down.
kayvon
monumental
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Posted: 3/21/2006 9:30:19 AM
Funniest female contribution since Molly faded away. Great job. Though a lot of the Fast-Mass-Ass Status was lost when a go with David Wells was shrugged off. C'mon. Who are you trying to kid here?
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Awwwwww!!!!! I guess he could do wall sits and I’d straddle him and lick his shaved head. I imagine it to taste like peanut butter. 
The white boy braids of ‘04 were strangely appealing and I could maybe, MAYBE deal with “Covering the Bases,” his cleverly-titled CD where he sings covers (haha, get it?) of, among others, the Goo Goo Dolls. But seriously, Pacy, Joey may have liked bleached hair back when she was a God-fearing Midwestern girl, but now that Tom tells her not to, the look just doesn’t work. He’s also got juuuuust enough chin pubes to make me think that’s all he can grow. Which is fine, but anyone who puts that much grooming into the mutant caterpillars currently residing above his eyes should put a little more primping effort into the lower half of his face. That’s all I’m saying. The Queer Eye guys missed one.
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