A step not included in this article: Avoid placing a clock inside your face.

I received this letter a few days ago from one of the adoring readers of my syndicated advice column, “Ask Someone Pretending to Be a Medical Expert”:

Dear Fake Medical Expert,
I often have trouble sleeping at night and sometimes even fall asleep at work, which my boss always chews me out for. He’s even threatened to fire me. What should I do to get a good night’s rest?

Sincerely,
Drooling on a Keyboard in Hoboken


This is actually a very common problem among employed adults, those we in the medical field refer to as “suckers.” Often, sleeplessness results from what you suckers do for recreation, like binge drinking or watching "King of Queens" or attending funerals or some such. If you’re looking for a few steps to take to avoid having such trouble at work, look no further than these helpful tips.

1. Scorn your friends and loved ones.
Many times, those fuckers we have to pretend that we like get in the way of the most important thing in the world ever: a good night's sleep. How often have you been out with people "having fun" only to arrive home at a time several hours later than you intended and with several of your teeth missing? Too often, that's how... often... you have... I would bet. Anyway, the only way you can possibly avoid these sorts of situations and acquire the rest you truly need is to respond to your so-called friends and family as the character does in the following provided scenario:

"FRIEND": Hey man, come on out with us! We're going out to celebrate your birthday!

YOU: I'm afraid I cannot. I must acquire the necessary hours of sleep required for a full day before I go to my place of business on the morrow.

"FRIEND": But it's your birthday. And it's four in the afternoon. And tomorrow is Saturday.

YOU: I am afraid this conversation has exceeded my daily allotted leisure time. Let us continue it on some later date, perhaps in November.

"FRIEND": Dude, you're being a total dick about this.

To clarify,

YOU: I would contend that that sounds quite like an activity your mother would participate in on a semi-regular basis.

You see what happened there? You've set things up so you can get the sleep you want and your so-called friend got totally owned.

2. Turn the damned lights off!
In the early days of man, hunter-gatherers had intricately defined internal clocks which allowed them to fall asleep and wake up on a regular schedule. The reason this internal clock worked so well was that the day was defined by the amount of time that there was natural light outside. After years of intricate study, I've determined that this can mean only one thing: artificial light is what's keeping you awake at night and is thus an abomination to our omnipotent Lord. To combat this affront to your sleep schedule, never turn on electric lights in your home. In fact, you're probably best off removing all light bulbs from their sockets, just to be sure.

If you're feeling particularly adventurous, shut off all your power and call the electric company to let them know that they’re a ravenous cabal of greedy, unholy, demon-fucking bloodsuckers who obviously hate for you to sleep or live a productive lifestyle. Tell them that their shock signals are burrowing into your brain and that man was never intended to harness the power of the lightning that only Mighty Zeus can command. Inform them that it is all too possible that they will one day be challenged to a duel of lightning and that when they are bested, they will all be turned into lightning bugs, so defining the origin of said insect. Only then will you truly have the restful night that the gods intended, which has only recently been ruined by mankind's haughty arrogance.

Also, in entirely scientific terms, Thomas Edison was a fucking douche.

3. Take between twelve and fourteen showers a day.
I'm sure you've heard that nothing wakes one up like a cold shower in the morning. If coffee commercials are to be believed, the combination of a shower and simply sniffing ground-up coffee beans makes a person more alert and awake than anything else. By that logic, numerous showers will cause one to enter a level of perception I have dubbed “Super-Awake” -- a state of alertness and control that allows one to perceive things with heightened senses and react to things around them with some sort of slow-motion bullet-time effect. This is especially helpful to one whose profession is “renegade cop” or perhaps “renegade former cop.” I advise that one take the aforementioned showers while simultaneously sniffing a can of coffee, preferably one with some form of flavor-enhancing crystals in it.

4. Quit your job.
Often, the leading cause of one's stress and unrest is work-related. The best way to deal with this problem, then, is to cut it off at the source and resign from your post as employee. Only then can you finally get enough rest to get to work on time and keep from being fired. To show your company solidarity and let your boss know that you are serious about doing the best work you can, make sure that you quit your job in a blaze of glory, perhaps with fireworks stuffed down your pants and a long, rambling speech in which every sentence is punctuated with the words “asshole” or "cockwad." Your boss and your coworkers will thank you for it.

5. Purchase an alarm clock.
To really get that jump on the day, it might be a good idea to make use of a device that alerts you with an appropriately loud noise that it is, indeed, time to get up. (In conjunction with the suggestions from tip number 2, a battery-powered clock-machine might be most useful.)

It helps if you start out as a butterfly.

6. I can get you some stuff, man.
Okay, so, I put this after the alarm clock thing because pretty much everyone stopped reading there. But, yeah, I totally know a guy who can hook you up. Just meet Anton in the parking lot—hey, shut up, willya? Be cool. You gotta keep quiet about this. But yeah, give me an allcay on my ellphonecay and I can totally get you some amphetamines…ay. But you're gonna have to pay me in advance.

Hey, where you going?

Matt Wilson’s syndicated health column, “Ask a Fake Medical Expert,” can be found in nearly two major newspapers.