Menace II Society: Lewis

FAIRVIEW, CT (AP)—Lewis Cisero, recently placed under house arrest for viciously attacking several neighbors, including an Avon lady and a Fairview mail carrier, is expected to be indicted today in Federal Court on charges of conspiracy, racketeering, extortion, drug trafficking, and attempted murder.

Cisero, three, last seen perched in the window of the family home and wearing an ankle bracelet, is rumored to be an associate in the Gambino Crime Family, and a made member of the Cisero crew, once led by legendary mob brothers Paulie and Tuddy Cisero.

While it is generally agreed that the Cisero influence waned considerably in New York following the Lufthansa heist and its subsequent string of gangland-style murders, mob experts kept an eye on the young up-and-comer as he solidified his control over the once-quaint New England town.

Bill Kurtis, currently producing his seven hundredth Mafia expose for the A & E Network, has been watching closely as the case unfolds. “The Cisero outfit was effectively dismantled in the early 1980’s with the convictions of Paul Cisero and Jimmy Conway... or was it? Sources close to the Connecticut scene insist that the gang simply moved to suburbia, attracted by the wealth and influence of this modern-day Currier and Ives town. Lewis, known to insiders as ‘Little Pussy,’ represents the new wave of Mafia soldiers: the family pet.”

Wiretaps and secret FBI surveillance tapes obtained exclusively by the Phat Phree reveal an alleged arch-criminal who began life in a cardboard box outside of a Stuckey’s, and came up through the ranks to become the Mob’s most feared feline enforcer. For a time, he was well-known in the Underworld as the go-to cat; a twelve-clawed menace who could make bad situations disappear with a single nod of his black-spotted head. As his power increased, so did his taste for the high life. Expensive collars, frequent trips to exclusive groomers, and late nights out on the town became a way of showing off his increasing status within the Organization. Lewis, who was never seen with the same female companion twice, is rumored to have fathered seventeen different litters of equally-depraved kittens.

As with the case with notorious Cisero associate Henry Hill, however, Lewis had one weakness that would eventually lead to his downfall.

Former capo turned cat mentor, Tuddy Cisero

“He was smart,” said one former neighbor, Tweety Pie. “He’d never get his paws dirty with the wet work, you know? But he had this thing for catnip that was legendary— I mean he actually used to mainline the shit. Fucked him up in the head. Made him sloppy. Lewis ran the Puddytat Club out in the alley behind the Stella Romana restaurant on Eighth Street. One of his whores, a cute little Calico named Bianca, came back a little light after a night’s work. Let me tell you, they were finding pieces of her all over the place for months after that. When he was on the nip, there was just no talking to him. Turned his brain into mush.”

Although widely agreed by Mob-watchers that an addiction to catnip likely contributed to Lewis’ recent spree of mayhem, most contend that the cat, like most of his human Outfit goombas, was born a sociopath. “I don’t know nothin about that psychobabble,” said Pie, 64, and now living under an assumed name in a non-descript town in the Western United States. “All I know is the tat was tough. Made his bones when he clipped Jerry Mouse a while back—all this was over some dice game in back of the Puddytat Club. They say the Mouse was a little late on the juice payments. Lewis was already using the nip then, so who can tell what caused what? But this,” he adds grimly, “bringing civilians—innocent Avon ladies—into this thing of ours… he may be a lieutenant now, but don’t be surprised if he ends up laying out in the weeds somewhere. Bosses don’t like the kind of heat he’s been bringing around the neighborhood. It’s bad for business.”

Despite the veil of secrecy concerning the government’s case against Cisero, sources within the FBI have revealed that the Mafia code of silence, or omerta, no longer applied in this modern day and age. “Nobody wants to do a dime in the Federal pen because of some cat,” said one agent, who agreed to speak with the Phat Phree on condition of anonymity. “Lewis has been out there making enemies for a long time. Flipping former associates was a piece of cake. It won’t be long before justice is served on this cat.”

Except for an occasional angry hiss from behind the relative safety of his family’s picture window, Lewis Cisero has refused to comment on the new charges.

Cutler: the one-man Dream Team

Bruce Cutler, who previously represented John Gotti, among others, has signed on to defend Cisero, when the case is brought to trial.

“Lewis is a family pet,” Cutler told the Phat Phree. “The government’s complaints against him are completely baseless. I believe the Feds are finally showing their desperation here. Obviously, they are only going after Lewis Cisero because he has a vowel at the end of his name.”

It is expected that Cutler will base his defense on Lewis' physical and emotional health. "He was born with six toes on each paw-- don't you think that would have a traumatic effect on you?" he asked. "The stress of this ordeal has brought on hairball attacks. When this is over, I fully expect the government to make full restitution, and apologize publicly to my client. Justice, Treasury-- all those government hypocrites will be kissing Lewis Cisero's ass by the time we're done with this case."