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David and his new mom.
Oh great. I’ve been adopted by an old white whore! Just what I’ve always wanted: a mom who’s seen more dick than the inside of a truck stop urinal. This sucks. I wish my old mom was alive. Sure she was poor, but at least when she kissed me her lips didn’t taste like Warren Beatty’s cock. Or is that Jose Canseco? Sean Penn? Or maybe it’s just some random bi-sexual backup dancer? Shit.
What’s that? You want me to call you mommy? Fat chance, Mrs. Papadopolis.
Oh, I see you’re married to an Englishman. Fantastic. The British are responsible for colonizing my people, so I’m really excited to have some limey twat for a father. Hey, ‘Guy’, I bet you’re having second thoughts about adopting me, huh? Kind of like you’re having second thoughts about marrying a slut ten years your senior. Blimey, ‘er tits are 'anging down ter 'er chips an' peas, ain‘t they? Enjoy the roast beef, asshole.
Oh, and Swept Away was fucking horrible.
What’s your excuse, Esther?
So, why did you adopt me, anyway? Did all that slutting around make you barren? What’s that? You already have two biological children? Well I hope to god those kids got the silver nitrate eye drops when they crawled out of your filthy womb, or else I’m sure they’re blind by now. I’m just saying, is all.
So if you have kids of your own, why the hell are you taking me? You’re almost 50-god-damn-years old. What gives? This adoption wouldn’t have anything to do with that other rich white lady who adopted all those third-world orphans, would it? You know, the one who is much younger and hotter than you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. What is this, junior high? We’re brown, but we’re not fucking beanie babies. Jesus Christ.
Speaking of Christ, it seems that before my adoption someone assured my father that you were "a very nice Christian lady.” I guess that’s true if by “Christian” they meant “cock-craving slut who pisses on Christianity every chance she gets but then goes and joins some bullshit faux-Jew Hollywood cult that’s about half-a-step up from Scientology.” Yeah, my religion’s bullshit too, but at least my family’s too poor and stupid to know any better. What’s your excuse, Esther?
My New Mom: a 'nice Christian lady!'
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you pick on somebody else’s religion for a change. How about, oh, I don’t know, Muslims? You know, the guys who are still lopping off women's clits a few countries north of here? Yeah, maybe instead of hanging on a cross you could go on stage wearing a burqa, draw a picture of Mohammed, and then pop a squat on it? That would be pretty controversial, and would say a lot about your commitment to women’s rights, don‘t you think? What? You don’t like that idea? I can’t imagine why.
I guess I should be a little more grateful since this adoption is going to allow me to do things that would have never been possible in my home country, like eat food and not die of dysentery. But something about this whole fiasco just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. So before you spend the next fifteen years raising me to be some annoying little fuck who wastes more money on club drugs than my native country has to spend on health care, I just want to get this off my chest: kiss my black-orphaned ass you old white whore.
Oh, and by the way; your version of American Pie was complete shit.
Did he really write that? Damn. That's pretty cold if he did. Colder than Ethan Albright's letter to Madden. I mean some really harsh shit. I want proof. I thought he was like 4 years old? He speaks English that well? Damn.
This was HILARIOUS. What a great couple of weeks for TPP. There have been some outstanding articles.
" guess I should be a little more grateful since this adoption is going to allow me to do things that would have never been possible in my home country, like eat food and not die of dysentery"
haha
Grade: A
Michael
fantastic
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Posted: 10/16/2006 9:51:32 AM
hahah, hey at least you are not getting adopted by michael jackson
antony
oh shit...
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Posted: 10/16/2006 10:24:50 AM
i have to agree eugene here...this has been a good two weeks or whatever, and this was the topper....awesome article. i will probably try and keep track of this maddona adoption fiasco now because of this...just so i can remember this article and think of her getting her clit chopped off by some irate towel-head.
Eugene
Antony
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Posted: 10/16/2006 11:16:04 AM
I gotta warn you bud, by agreeing with me, you will elicit the inexorable wrath of the anti-Eugene brigade. They will warn you to stop "engaging" me directly, but then paradoxically proceed to launch nerdy and in Christine's case, whorish insults at me. But then again, being the renegade that you are, you might withstand the inevitable onslaught. Look at all the big words I used in a single paragraph. I'm a very intelligent person.
Eugene
But then again
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Posted: 10/16/2006 1:36:20 PM
Most ugly obese people are intelligent so.....
Christine
YAY
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Posted: 10/16/2006 1:40:48 PM
This was very good Jason. I love Madonna and her concert this year was unbelievable, but I hate her as a person. How is the sluttiest whore in history going to change religion to a religion that is about hardcore femine repression. The religion frowns on sexually and women in general. what an idiot.
I also don't believe super famous people should be allowed to have kids at all. there is just no way for the children to turn out remotely normal.
antony
its cool man...
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Posted: 10/16/2006 1:56:04 PM
i've agreed with you on quite a few occasions in the past. actually, aside from your ridiculous views on the republican and democratic parties, as well as democracy as a whole, i don't think you're that bad of a guy. i think the real reason everyone bashes on you so much is your name. i mean, who the fuck knows anyone named 'eugene' in real life....? good luck and good fortune.
i kinda see where you are coming from christine, some of her music is decent, especially the remixes that get done with her stuff. but when her crowning acheivment in life is getting plowed prison-bitch style by william defoe, while being handcuffed to a bed post, and following that up by driving britney spears into the arms of k-fed, i have to ask, why is she still alive? isn't there a law against it?
Christine
Antony
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Posted: 10/16/2006 2:01:47 PM
What is the Defoe incident you speak of? not familiar. Is it one of her horrible movies? She should not be allowed to act. Except a league of their own cause that's a classic.
She's been around for 20 years and she is still making music that makes me dance my ass off. That's a tough feat. And the things she does with her body are short of amazing. and she's almost 50.
antony
christine
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Posted: 10/16/2006 2:34:51 PM
it was a scene in body of evidence, which was actually a decent flik if only because of defoe (and madonna's extraordinary on-screen whorism). and be careful what you say about her being able to do amazing things with her body at the age of 50...you could just as well be talking about mick foley or terry funk with that statement, lmao
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