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The definition of a homeless person is, as you know, a person who does not own or rent a residence. However, beyond that all-encompassing definition there is a wide variety of subsets that exist. From the down-on-their-luck to the crazy-as-fuck, the homeless are a bastion of different lifestyles and personalities that greatly differ from those of people with a roof over their head. While sociologists aren't quite sure why this is, most assume it has something to do with having the ability to go to bed each night without the fear of being murdered.
So as you wake up from another comfortable night of slumber, remember that there are millions of people out there rising from park benches, gravel pits and freeway underpasses that are surprised to be alive. But who are these people? How did they end up on the streets? Will a round of paint balls from a passing car help get them back on track? In this edition of Dissections we'll be looking at the first two questions. The third is up to you.
THE BUM AKA: That Goddamned Bum, Barnaby McGee, Uncle Pete Lives: Riverbeds, Under the Bridge, In a Dumpster Fear Ranking: 2-3, generally harmless Stink-o-meter: 9.7
This is your typical homeless guy. He usually has an affinity for inexpensive wines and charcoal filtered Vodkas. He's more comical than anything and only poses a threat if you own property that he chooses to use as a toilet. He'll pass out just about anywhere and is often mistaken for a corpse. His path to homelessness is usually just a case of alcoholism mixed with laziness. There was nothing mentally or physically wrong with him at the time of his initial days on the street, though years of boozing and suffering beatings at the hands of suburban youth have created slight mental abnormalities. The Bum ranks at a 9.7 on the stink-o-meter due to his occasional willingness to spend a weekend at the shelter.
THE VETERAN AKA: Sarge, Captain Crazy, Pfc. Looney, The Charlie Killer Lives: In the past Fear Ranking: 8-9, flashbacks and panic attacks make close encounters dangerous Stink-o-meter: 9.8
This guy saw some serious shit and never really recovered. He did some time in the VA hospital and received some treatment, but was eventually sent on his way to a family that had written him off and a world that resented his war. He's trained to kill and has done so on the battlefield. These days the line between the battlefield and civilian life are getting blurrier and blurrier. His intimidating appearance makes begging an exercise in futility and so he takes to stealing for sustenance. Despite his limited resources, for some reason he always has a dog that he can't afford to feed and is therefore even meaner than he is. If you ever encounter these two in a dark alley, a pack of Pemmican just may save your life.
THE HIPPIE AKA: That Fucking Hippie, Worthless SOB, Mooching D-Bag Lives: On the Frisbee golf course Fear Ranking: 5-6, due to unpredictable nature when under the influence of LSD Stink-o-meter: 9.98
This son of a bitch represents everything that is wrong with freedom. While it's nice to be able to own land and choose any religion you want, allowing hippies to walk among us is a disgrace to contributing members of society everywhere. You don't like the way things are? How about trying something other than growing out your hair, tie-dying your clothes, ignoring basic rules of hygiene and smoking copious amount of schwaggy Mexican grass? No? Oh, right, you don't believe in active resistance. It's too much work. And while homeless people stink, homeless hippies smell like a cross between six-week old egg salad and Rosie O'Donnell's taint.
THE SCHITZO AKA: Dr. Hyde & Dr. Hyde, Those Two Lives: On another planet Fear Ranking: 8-9, mental illness and crack cocaine are not a good combination for public safety Stink-o-meter: 9.7
Often seen conversing with himself while walking down the street, The Schitzo is about as stable as a Barry Bonds' hormone levels. In a better economy he'd be locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of his life, but instead he's free in a world that doesn't make any sense to any of his several personalities. From a distance he can be quite entertaining, but much like going on safari, if you get too close you could end up being his prey. However, he's just as likely to try to hug you as he is to attempt to rape you, both of which will leave you never feeling clean again.
THE RAMBLER AKA: The Hobo, Travelpants, Ol' What's His Name, Grandpa Lives: Wherever there's a highway and rumors of work Fear Ranking: 3-4, generally easygoing outside of the murderous hitchhikers Stink-o-meter: 9.2
The call of the road keeps The Rambler ramblin'. A close cousin of The Bum, this is essentially the same guy except for one thing- while The Bum may have ridden a boxcar to get where he is, The Rambler never got off. There's always another town and another chance for The Rambler, but it's always the same result- cold streets and a colder reception by its citizens. The Rambler gets spit on, put down and run out of town on more than Carrot Top on tour, but he still has the resolve to pick up and head off to a new land of opportunity. Unfortunately for the rest of us, so too does Carrot Top.
THE FOREIGNER AKA: Stinkin' Foreigner, Other People's Trash, Balki Lives: In makeshift tents or abandoned cars Fear Ranking: 4-5, due to potential cultural differences regarding the value of human life Stink-o-meter: 10
Barely edging out The Hippie on the stink-o-meter, The Foreigner never met a shower he wasn't willing to pass on. In whatever shitty third-world country he's from, body odor is a sign of valor and as such, he's a veritable king in his own mind. In the mind of the general American public however, he's a smelly pile of imported manure that we never ordered. Most are here illegally, but a select few show up and try to make a go of it before inevitably skipping the boat ride home and doing like Michael McDonald by "taking it to the streets". And while it's one thing to have a social security number and be homeless, it's a whole other kind of irony to be a resident alien with no place of residence.
THE 5150 AKA: Insano Man, Crazy Larry Lives: In your head Fear Ranking: 9-10, instability equals scary Stink-o-meter: 9.9
Not to be confused with The Schitzo, The 5150 has only one personality, and that personality is bat-shit crazy. This guy has no problem smearing his own feces across his face while masturbating in public and singing "Smoke on the Water". That being the case, why should he care if he accidentally stabs you with a butter knife while you walk past him on the street? If our society wasn't so "humane" and instead a little more reasonable, we'd have these guys put down like rabid dogs. Instead we allow them to walk our streets, terrorize our citizens and murder our children.
THE RUNAWAY AKA: Punk Kid, Problem Child, Uncle Russ's Personal Favorite Lives: Outskirts of town, abandoned warehouses/crackhouses Fear Ranking: 6-7, violent upbringing, tendency to hang in packs and propensity for switchblades Stink-o-meter: 9.6
Typically the product of an abusive household, The Runaway is the youngest class of homeless. Careers in drug dealing, prostitution (male or female) and blood donation await, but until then they strive to avoid the law that will send them back home while partaking in every mind-altering drug they can get their hands on. The pain of molestatio
Posts: 1453 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:16:26 AM
Scott must have dated my ex after I got rid of her / She left for a pack of smokes and never came back / started fucking that guy she worked with (presumably Scott) then came back when I was at work and took all my shit. Fuck you Scott (I hope you're enjoying my pussy and my PS2) when you throw her ass out she'll come running back to me!
Posts: 214 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
NYC, NY
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:17:06 AM
Does not resort to selling her body in the end. Eventually she becomes like the other homeless, we will tolerate their existence and not torture them as long as they stay out of our way. Your third question brings up an important point, should I shoot my girlfriend with paintballs for my amusement?
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:27:46 AM
I enjoy the Rambler as being nomadic makes one appear less like a waste of space. The Girlfriend can be good for sex and the Runaway can be good for some drugs. The rest are complete and total shitheads with no redeeming value whatsoever.
And I agree with Cahuncey's point. Well played sir.
Posts: 13 Rank: 99 Joined:
1/2/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:49:10 AM
particularly the bum, schitzo, and possibly the 5150, all you have to do is go into the city and find your closest 7-11 store. However, it's more like a safari than a zoo, so be careful. Don't make eye contact, and just throw some change on the ground if they charge.
but, the worst bums are the aggresive schizo's that freak out and chase you when you don't give them your change yelling and screaming that they can hear your change rattling in your pockets and that they are hungry. True, but it is my change and I wanted a gumball after lunch prick!!
Posts: 915 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Rock Hill (sucks), SC
Posted: 1/16/2007 10:36:19 AM
...are the city and/or charity created Homeless shelters, AKA "Homeless Chum." And while I agree with t-ray that the homeless aren't real people; nothing is worse than a frenzied collection of each of the examples from above. By grouping them together to feed them, we're doing at least two things horribly wrong. First we're giving them food; thus negating my pleading and wishing to have them all die. And second, we're letting them talk to each other thus allowing them to fine tune and hone their obnoxious begging skills. I say lets ship'em all to Mexico.
Posts: 139 Rank: 107 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 1/16/2007 10:44:12 AM
I hope all you homeless fans can pay a visit to our nation's capital sometime, as we have every variety of homeless here as well as some great hybrid varieties. For instance, somebody in my neighborhood grafted the schizo's mental output onto the veteran's "Vietnam Veteran"-capped body, so we have a guy who takes a permanent marker and writes really interesting and undecipherable formulas about the government onto the sidewalk, free newspapers and anything else in range. I will forever wonder what flashback-induced psychosis is described by these things; maybe if we can deduce what he's saying, we'll find the formula for a sustainable energy economy.
Great pic of the dentally-challenged schizophrenic. The combined residents of McPherson Square, which serves as the homeless convention center, probably have about four teeth to go around.
It's really sad that these poor bastards got kicked out of the state hospitals and onto the street to fend for themselves. Thanks, Reagan Era!
There's an old guy, CLASSIFICATION: THE BUM, who would sit at the bus stop near where I used to live in DC. He drank half-pints of currant vodka and hit on every woman, girl and troglodyte that walked by during the morning rush hour. Some gems included: "you wanna ride the chocolate express, dis mornin', mama? it's a bumpy ride!" and "oooh i put some chili powder on the lil' tamale ass and BAM! She be like Sunday mornin'!" A while ago I was visiting a friend over there and I saw him wearing a hat that was embroidered in sequins and it read "#1 PIMP."
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THE BUM
THE VETERAN
THE HIPPIE
THE SCHITZO
THE RAMBLER
THE FOREIGNER
THE 5150
THE RUNAWAY
