The definition of a homeless person is, as you know, a person who does not own or rent a residence. However, beyond that all-encompassing definition there is a wide variety of subsets that exist. From the down-on-their-luck to the crazy-as-fuck, the homeless are a bastion of different lifestyles and personalities that greatly differ from those of people with a roof over their head. While sociologists aren't quite sure why this is, most assume it has something to do with having the ability to go to bed each night without the fear of being murdered.

So as you wake up from another comfortable night of slumber, remember that there are millions of people out there rising from park benches, gravel pits and freeway underpasses that are surprised to be alive. But who are these people? How did they end up on the streets? Will a round of paint balls from a passing car help get them back on track? In this edition of Dissections we'll be looking at the first two questions. The third is up to you.




THE BUM
AKA: That Goddamned Bum, Barnaby McGee, Uncle Pete
Lives: Riverbeds, Under the Bridge, In a Dumpster
Fear Ranking: 2-3, generally harmless
Stink-o-meter: 9.7


This is your typical homeless guy. He usually has an affinity for inexpensive wines and charcoal filtered Vodkas. He's more comical than anything and only poses a threat if you own property that he chooses to use as a toilet. He'll pass out just about anywhere and is often mistaken for a corpse. His path to homelessness is usually just a case of alcoholism mixed with laziness. There was nothing mentally or physically wrong with him at the time of his initial days on the street, though years of boozing and suffering beatings at the hands of suburban youth have created slight mental abnormalities. The Bum ranks at a 9.7 on the stink-o-meter due to his occasional willingness to spend a weekend at the shelter.

THE VETERAN
AKA: Sarge, Captain Crazy, Pfc. Looney, The Charlie Killer
Lives: In the past
Fear Ranking: 8-9, flashbacks and panic attacks make close encounters dangerous
Stink-o-meter: 9.8


This guy saw some serious shit and never really recovered. He did some time in the VA hospital and received some treatment, but was eventually sent on his way to a family that had written him off and a world that resented his war. He's trained to kill and has done so on the battlefield. These days the line between the battlefield and civilian life are getting blurrier and blurrier. His intimidating appearance makes begging an exercise in futility and so he takes to stealing for sustenance. Despite his limited resources, for some reason he always has a dog that he can't afford to feed and is therefore even meaner than he is. If you ever encounter these two in a dark alley, a pack of Pemmican just may save your life.

THE HIPPIE
AKA: That Fucking Hippie, Worthless SOB, Mooching D-Bag
Lives: On the Frisbee golf course
Fear Ranking: 5-6, due to unpredictable nature when under the influence of LSD
Stink-o-meter: 9.98


This son of a bitch represents everything that is wrong with freedom. While it's nice to be able to own land and choose any religion you want, allowing hippies to walk among us is a disgrace to contributing members of society everywhere. You don't like the way things are? How about trying something other than growing out your hair, tie-dying your clothes, ignoring basic rules of hygiene and smoking copious amount of schwaggy Mexican grass? No? Oh, right, you don't believe in active resistance. It's too much work. And while homeless people stink, homeless hippies smell like a cross between six-week old egg salad and Rosie O'Donnell's taint.

THE SCHITZO
AKA: Dr. Hyde & Dr. Hyde, Those Two
Lives: On another planet
Fear Ranking: 8-9, mental illness and crack cocaine are not a good combination for public safety
Stink-o-meter: 9.7


Often seen conversing with himself while walking down the street, The Schitzo is about as stable as a Barry Bonds' hormone levels. In a better economy he'd be locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of his life, but instead he's free in a world that doesn't make any sense to any of his several personalities. From a distance he can be quite entertaining, but much like going on safari, if you get too close you could end up being his prey. However, he's just as likely to try to hug you as he is to attempt to rape you, both of which will leave you never feeling clean again.

THE RAMBLER
AKA: The Hobo, Travelpants, Ol' What's His Name, Grandpa
Lives: Wherever there's a highway and rumors of work
Fear Ranking: 3-4, generally easygoing outside of the murderous hitchhikers
Stink-o-meter: 9.2


The call of the road keeps The Rambler ramblin'. A close cousin of The Bum, this is essentially the same guy except for one thing- while The Bum may have ridden a boxcar to get where he is, The Rambler never got off. There's always another town and another chance for The Rambler, but it's always the same result- cold streets and a colder reception by its citizens. The Rambler gets spit on, put down and run out of town on more than Carrot Top on tour, but he still has the resolve to pick up and head off to a new land of opportunity. Unfortunately for the rest of us, so too does Carrot Top.

THE FOREIGNER
AKA: Stinkin' Foreigner, Other People's Trash, Balki
Lives: In makeshift tents or abandoned cars
Fear Ranking: 4-5, due to potential cultural differences regarding the value of human life
Stink-o-meter: 10


Barely edging out The Hippie on the stink-o-meter, The Foreigner never met a shower he wasn't willing to pass on. In whatever shitty third-world country he's from, body odor is a sign of valor and as such, he's a veritable king in his own mind. In the mind of the general American public however, he's a smelly pile of imported manure that we never ordered. Most are here illegally, but a select few show up and try to make a go of it before inevitably skipping the boat ride home and doing like Michael McDonald by "taking it to the streets". And while it's one thing to have a social security number and be homeless, it's a whole other kind of irony to be a resident alien with no place of residence.

THE 5150
AKA: Insano Man, Crazy Larry
Lives: In your head
Fear Ranking: 9-10, instability equals scary
Stink-o-meter: 9.9


Not to be confused with The Schitzo, The 5150 has only one personality, and that personality is bat-shit crazy. This guy has no problem smearing his own feces across his face while masturbating in public and singing "Smoke on the Water". That being the case, why should he care if he accidentally stabs you with a butter knife while you walk past him on the street? If our society wasn't so "humane" and instead a little more reasonable, we'd have these guys put down like rabid dogs. Instead we allow them to walk our streets, terrorize our citizens and murder our children.

THE RUNAWAY
AKA: Punk Kid, Problem Child, Uncle Russ's Personal Favorite
Lives: Outskirts of town, abandoned warehouses/crackhouses
Fear Ranking: 6-7, violent upbringing, tendency to hang in packs and propensity for switchblades
Stink-o-meter: 9.6


Typically the product of an abusive household, The Runaway is the youngest class of homeless. Careers in drug dealing, prostitution (male or female) and blood donation await, but until then they strive to avoid the law that will send them back home while partaking in every mind-altering drug they can get their hands on. The pain of molestation from stepparents drives their self-destructive behavior and also serves as motivation to take their pain out on you if you show the slightest sign of disrespect. However, encounters with The Runaway are scarce as they seek to go unfound, so unless you're looking to score from a guy your kid referred, you shouldn't ever need to worry about dealing with them.

THE GIRLFRIEND
AKA: The Leech, The Moochin' Cooch, Sweetie Pie
Lives: All up in your shit
Fear Ranking: 1-10 depending on the time of the month
Stink-o-meter: 1-10, also depending on the time of the month


One day she went from a self-reliant, capable, rent-paying citizen to the person who switched out all of your bar soap with useless luxury-sized soap petals, and you don't even know when it happened. As far as you can recall, one day she came by on a booty call and then never left. Her regression into behavior similar to that of other homeless people is startling in it's similarities. She starts off with a proactive approach to meals and personal upkeep, then slides into depression brought on by feelings of an inconsequential existence that leads to progressively worse substance abuse issues until she is eventually forced to resort to using the only thing she has left, her body, to keep from being thrown out on the street until she can find some other sap to latch onto and repeat the process all over again.

***

From afar, the homeless are fun to watch. Their makeshift lifestyle makes us feel better about ourselves and reminds us of the advantages of modernization. Creature comforts like warm food, clean clothes, showers and sobriety that we take for granted every day are things they may have know at some point in their life, but will likely never experience again, and somehow knowing that fact just feels good.

So the next time you see a homeless person, throw some loose change their way. Yeah, it probably won't go towards food or clothes, but will instead buy booze, drugs or sex, but you can feel good knowing that you are helping keep them in the downward spiral which they have created for themselves, which in turn allows you to feel better about yourself. Otherwise, they might just have to pick themselves up off the ground and get a job. Then what will you have to feel better about your insignificant life?