When you finally get too lazy (or busy) to hunt for strange every night, you will break down and get a girlfriend. It's inevitable. And it doesn't have to be all bad. Just be sure to avoid these bad girlfriends.


"Do you need something off that shelf?"
The tall girlfriend/short boyfriend combo not only makes the couple uncomfortable but kind of creeps out all the people around them. It's just unnatural and rarely works out--just ask Billy Joel. Some women claim that the preference is born of man's immature desire to feel superior to women, but in actuality, the distance between the boobs and vagina on a tall girl offends man's inherent sense of laziness.



"I have to be honest with you; you're not my first."
This girlfriend usually begins as a one-night stand, and then you start using her as safety call after failed nights at the club. Suddenly her toothbrush is in your bathroom, and all your clean underwear are at her place. You don't give it much thought because she's great in bed, but once you actually start going places with her you realize why it won't work: every place you go you seem to run into five other dudes who she "knows." They always shoot you the look. The one that says, "You know I fucked her, right?"



"Can't we just watch Heroes and go to bed?"
Having a girlfriend who wants sex all the time is awesome! For a month. After that, it grows a bit wearisome. You've already explored every inch of her body, so there no more surprises there. You've done it in every conceivable position, including a few that even grossed YOU out a little bit, but still she wants more. You realize that the best days are behind you, and the sex takes on the sad, desperate, ultimately futile role of keeping you together.



"I love you soooo much!"
This girl might seem all right at first. She's eager to please in and out of the bedroom, and it's hilarious when she breaks a bottle over the waitress's face for "making eyes at her man." But it won't last long. And when you finally try to break it off, she'll probably kill your dog.



"Let's get high and watch this Phish bootleg."
Hippie chicks have an odd hotness about them...when they are young. There is something attractive about a liberated woman who is, ostensibly, a subscriber to the "free love" philosophy, but without a bra, years of gravity take a toll and that cute peach fuzz on legs becomes thick, wiry hairs blacker than a thousand midnights. But she can always score the bammer so...



"Love means never having to do anything for myself."
These girls are nothing but arm candy for guys with low self-esteem. We are all real impressed that you scored such a beautiful woman, real, we are. But is the few minutes a week having missionary-position sex with her worth the hours and hours of doing everything from killing a spider to putting gas in her car?



"You have to hear this!"
Not only do these girls not know when to shut the fuck up, every story they tell seems to include a completely unnecessary and excruciatingly long back-story that starts sometime during the Jurassic period and goes on tangentially until you are forced to ask, "What's the goddamn point?" She's almost always hot, and because men have always feigned interest in her stories to try and get into her pants, she has no idea that she is criminally boring.



"I want our first time to be special."
Me too, baby. But I want it to be soon. Adult relationships include sex. Period. Until she makes your dick wet, you are just friends. And we all have more than one friend.

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If you enjoyed this previously unpublished excerpt from "Look At My Striped Shirt!: Confessions of the People You Love to Hate", order a copy now, you no-good freeloader.

Illustrations by Patrick O'Connor.