Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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I bet you are wishing I gave you the super-intelligent robot face right about now...
Across the galaxy, in Eternia, He-man strikes up an instant messenger conversation with Man-E-Faces, a warrior who fights beside him for justice and freedom. He-Man's intentions are dismal, so he naturally finds it difficult to arrive at his point of emphasis.
He-Man4ever: Hey man, what's up?
Man-E-Faces: Not much. I just fought some bad guys. Stinkor got all up in my face. I had to fuck him up.
He-Man4ever: I fucking hate Stinkor. Which face did you use? I bet you went with the robot.
Man-E-Faces: No, I went with the monster. I was feeling pretty angry. I felt the monster fit my mood much better than a robot or a gay-looking dude with a pinkish-purple mask.
He-Man4ever: True. The pinkish-purple mask does not scream out to the world that you are into having sex with women. Anyways, did you hear about She-Ra?
Man-E-Faces: Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, man. That fucking blows.
He-Man4ever: No shit. I can't believe she let Orko pound her in the two-hole and video tape it.
Man-E-Faces: I heard he put a spell on her, man. She-Ra is usually a little more classy than that, at least for a girl named "She-Ra."
He-Man4ever: Whatever, dude, feeding a bitch 12 shots of Rumple Minze doesn't constitute rendering a spell. Orko is still a shitty fucking magician. Fuck him. He can keep her. My new girl, Teela, loves to go reverse cowgirl and cooks like a mother fucker. She-Ra smelled like self-tanner, cooked like fuckshit, and had hairy nipples.
Man-E-Faces: You drive home a good point, my friend. All three of my faces can agree with that. LOL
He-Man4ever: How about you never use that LOL shit with me again or I'll cut your legs off with my He-Man sword. I hate that fucking shit.
Man-E-Faces: Sorry.
He-Man4ever: Thanks. I have to admit, bitching about She-Ra wasn't the true reason I initiated this chat with you. I have some serious shit to talk about.
Man-E-Faces: No prob. What is it?
SkullFucker69: 8======D
He-Man4ever: Skeletor! Get the fuck out of here, you son-of-a-bitch. This is a private conversation.
SkullFucker69: Whatever, He-Man, I have to drive Beastman to his date with Prince Adam anyway. Then I'm gonna go buy a bottle of Rumple Minze for a very special friend. LOL
He-Man4ever: Fuck off. I told you that Prince Adam is not fucking gay. He is very manly and good at sports. He wears all of that pink and purple shit because he is secure in his masculinity. Stop spreading fucking rumors!
SkullFucker69: Whatever. ; )
Man-E-Faces: What a cock sucker.
Why does everyone thing I'm gay?
He-Man4ever: Whatever, forget him, let's get down to brass tacks. As you know, we have been getting slaughtered financially the last couple years. Our good guy forces aren't pulling in the wages we once did long ago.
Man-E-Faces: Universe saving doesn't pay like it used to, old friend.
He-Man4ever: That's my point. I'm glad you understand the business side of all this. You see, I had a few consultants come in and take an inventory of staff talent...and it seems that you pretty much amount to a piece of shit when it comes to defending the universe. You are no longer a member of the Heroic Warriors.
Man-E-Faces: ?
He-Man4ever: Dude, your amazing ability is that you switch between three fucking faces. It's retarded. You were good for about zero missions. You are completely useless. I hate you.
Man-E-Faces: What about undercover missions? I was sweet for those.
He-Man4ever: No, man, you weren't. You are a fucking pink-masked dude, a robot, and a green monster. The only scenario I could even dream of using you for would be if we encountered an evil planet of retarded blind kids. Even then, I would just have you hug a bomb and throw you out of my Wind Raider as I flew overhead . Everyone knows your gig.
Man-E-Faces: It's just like that?
He-Man4ever: Dude, Skeletor makes fun of you for having a gay three-way every time you masturbate. You are an embarrassment. Mekanek even cracks on you as well. That's right. The guy whose only ability is to make his neck shoot straight up in the air thinks that you are more of a fucking shithead than he is.
Man-E-Faces: I don't know what to say.
SkullFucker69: 8======D + ( ( ) = Prince Adam
He-Man4ever: Ignore him.
Man-E-Faces: I guess I'll head out to Grayskull and get my shit. This was a real dick move and you know it. I should give you a dose of big, green, monster face.
He-Man4ever: Hey, hey, hey, watch your tone, Man-E-FECES. Before you get all bent out of shape, I want you to remember three things.
He-Man4ever: First, I ride a fucking huge, green, panther-like animal that is covered in battle armor. He could bite your rotating face off, swallow it, and shit it out on the ground before you could lift a finger. Mostly, because you suck balls.
He-Man4ever: Second, I seriously kick anyone's ass who ever fucks with me or my planet. Consider the fact that I have a dude with a fucking skull for a head who wants to kill me and wipe my blood all over his balls (or so I've heard). I eat breakfast only miles away from his crib, Snake Mountain. It's filled with beasts, skunks, and a bevy of animal-themed characters who are solely dedicated to ending my existence. So, if you ever think you are going to come around, change into robot monsters and start making me nervous...
Man-E-Faces: Sorry, man...I just need some time right now. This is a lot to swallow. I spoke out of anger. My bad.
He-Man4ever: I wasn't finished, shitdick. Listen.
He-Man4ever: Third, I will cut you into a bountiful mix of randomly-sized pieces with my huge fucking He-Man sword because I am the baddest son-of-a-bitch in the universe. Don't ever fucking forget that, you face-changing fucktard.
Man-E-Faces: : (
Man-E-Faces has signed off.
Auto Response from Man-E-Faces: I am out being a HUMAN ROBOT MONSTER, leave a message.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/20/2007 7:25:17 AM
dude, weren't she-ra & he-man brother and sister?
anyway.. great stuff. especially skeletor sneaking in to the conversation. back in my instant messenger days if i had a nickel for every time i sent someone a "8=====D" i'd be living la vida loca. (c'mooohhnn!!)
i'm a lot closer to being 30 than i am 15 and i dont ever forsee a time when i wont laugh at a penis drawn/painted/ or carved on something.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:14:54 AM
Luring Man-E-Faces into an IM conversation about his ex-girlfriend and other stuff just fire him is weak. You don't fire a man over IM. Sorry, you just don't. I'll bet he's over at Snake Mountain right now hitting up Skeletor for some part-time work.
Posts: 55 Rank: 202 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 2/20/2007 10:10:45 AM
Holy mother fuckin shit, that was probably one of the evilest motherfuckers ever to grace the face of the plant. But still, he did have a real sweet castle.
Posts: 915 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Rock Hill (sucks), SC
Posted: 2/20/2007 12:10:40 PM
the fuck he wants; he's He-Man. Although I think he should have send Fisto over to can man-e-faces via super fist to the throat. ...but that might just be me.
Posts: 139 Rank: 107 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 2/20/2007 12:10:44 PM
Agreed, that's just weak. It would have been much more of a dick move if He-Man had sent Moss Man to rub green pubes in each of Man-E-Face's three grills.
Posts: 22 Rank: 124 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 2/20/2007 12:45:23 PM
At about 3 a.m. last night I woke up with a raging boner. It wasn't until the distinct smell of sex permeated my nostrils that I realized I had been jerking off for about ten minutes. It was the best feeling in the world.
Then I read this. It made my half conscious self fuck comparable to a burn victim being raped with a scythe. The Skeletor interruptions made me laugh so hard, my taint began to sweat. He-Man's description of Orko and She-Ra: amazing.
If this article was a woman, it would be a big titted woman with a thick ass whose hobbies include making steak, knowing her place and answering every beck and call: mythical and loved by all. Nicely done, Juan. Five mfds.
IM firing some asshole like Man-E-Faces is a classic dickheaded move that shows the no tallent ass clown just how insignificunt he is.
What makes it even better and more fucktabulous is the friendly chit-chat before hand. Then, out of nowhere comes the harsh and brutal thumb lashing that is the IM firing. He-Man even goes into detail about why Man-E-Faces is getting the axe, or in this case the powerful He-Man sword, and Man-E-Faces gets and in your 3 faces description of why he sucks great big donkey dick 8====================D.
I hope my boss doesn't read TPP. He is a cruel and unforgiving son of a bitch, just like He-Man.
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He-Man4ever: Hey man, what's up?
Man-E-Faces: Not much. I just fought some bad guys. Stinkor got all up in my face. I had to fuck him up. 
SkullFucker69: 8======D
