You're right. Let's not fight.

Every now and again it happens. You're watching a flick and it pops into your head: "Is it me or is this movie really... gay?" You hesitate to bring it up for fear of being asked, "why're you thinkin' about gay shit, dude?" So you sneak glances at your buddies looking for confused expressions, guys unable to get comfortable, and, god forbid, someone with an erection. Fear not, brothers and lesbians who read TPP. I empathize. That is why I have composed a list of what I feel to be some of the most popular films that have a lot of unintentional homoerotic undertones that now dominate my viewing and prevent me from enjoying them on a cinematic level.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Top Gun is definitely #1. Well, you're wrong, and I'll tell you why. As I set out to create this guide, I was counting on Top Gun to be the anchor. But then a friend pointed out the following to me:

"Be aware that Top Gun's homoeroticism is not unintentional. Peter Biskind, in his book Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, describes Don Simpson [one of the film's producers] as being '...to gay culture what Elvis Presley was to rhythm and blues, ripping it off and repackaging it for a straight audience. The blockbusters Simpson made with Bruckheimer were star vehicles comprised of little more than a series of movie moments set to a pounding score.' He also calls Paramount at the time 'the gayest studio in Hollywood.'"
Quentin Tarantino also explains the lack of coincidence:



So, in taking Biskind and Tarantino at their words, Top Gun is thus omitted from this list. To those of you who thought you would get a dose of Maverick, Iceman, et al., I apologize.

Note: when compiling this list, I tried to consider a few factors. First of all, a film was not making the list just because there was some sort of homosexual sex scene in it...again, this is unintentionally homoerotic. I also tried to think beyond the stereotypical backdrops. You could make a case for any film set at a prison, in the Navy, or starring Van Damme. It's too easy. But that does not mean such backdrops disqualified a film either. It just needed more gay or something uniquely gay, know what I mean? Also, I factored in no bias as to whether or not I enjoy any of the following films. I'm confident enough in my own masculinity to take a film I otherwise enjoy (or not) and view it in a homoerotic light. But if you like any of the following films, you're obviously a queer. Enjoy.



15. Glory
Matthew Broderick's character, Shaw, is torn throughout the film between asserting control and authority over the men he leads and his love for them. The scene where Denzel Washington gets flogged is total man-on-man S & M. Shaw and Thomas (the educated black man) have a close past that is very open to interpretation. One could even say that the "fight for freedom" these men are engaged in could be even broader than first assumed. Also, the facial hair throughout the movie is straight from a San Franciscan parade.

Gayest line: Trip: "I ain't much about no prayin', now. I ain't never had no family, and... killed off my mama. Well, I just... Y'all's the onliest family I got. I love the 54th. Ain't even much a matter what happens tomorrow, 'cause we men, ain't we?"



14. The Back to the Future Trilogy
There is sort of a recurring theme on this list with the relationship between an older and younger male character. Here, though, I say shame on Marty McFly rather than Doc Brown. Doc was obviously a mental defective...brilliant in some regards, yes, but totally bat-shit in most others. This would be construed in many a court of law as statutory rape of a mental defective (and Marty's encouragement to use the time machine would have to teeter on the line of contributing to the delinquency of one, too). And who hangs out with the "local scientist?" Who even has a "local scientist?" If you do, don't follow him inside to check out his latest "experiment," okay? And, hey, if Marty was such a "loser" as he is portrayed, why is his girlfriend a babe...and conveniently taken out of most of the three films in order to focus on Marty and Doc's relationship? The only friendships that exist between two men with such an age gap is a butt-sex relationship...period.

Gayest line: from part II, Western Union Man: "Hey, kid, you alright? You need any help?"
Marty: "There's only one man who can help me."