Airborne is marketed as an effective means of cold and flu prevention; an audacious claim considering the words "not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease" are printed right on the fucking box. How does one mock a product that doesn't even pretend to work? Furthermore, how does one write an entire article mocking a product that doesn't even pretend to work? We're about to find out.
When trying to sell a product that does nothing, a good marketing gimmick is essential. Airborne's gimmick is built around the fact that it was "Created by a School Teacher." We have no idea why this lends credibility to the product. She taught second grade, not microbiology. But surprisingly, it speaks to people. Stupid people.
We actually had a friend tell us that "teachers are exposed to children's germs all the time, so that makes sense." Prostitutes are exposed to STDs on a regular basis, but we wouldn't trust a condom developed by a hooker. So why on earth would you trust your health to someone who's basically a glorified babysitter?
"I don't need some big fancy scientist to fix my cold. That woman who taught my kid to make macaroni necklaces sold me these herbs."
If the fact that Airborne was created by a teacher doesn't impress you, perhaps the wide variety of Airborne options will. Since it doesn't have to work, and it's only a matter of changing the packaging, there's really no limit to the different variations that the marketing team can create. There's "Original Zesty Orange", "Lemon-Lime", and even "Pink Grapefruit". Why didn't Sudafed ever come out with a "Pink Grapefruit" option? Probably because Pfizer designed it to work, not taste great! Plus, nobody wants their Meth to have a "Pink Grapefruit" aftertaste.
Airborne "On-the-Go" is our personal favorite. It's "perfect for people on the move" (as opposed to who, Quadriplegics?). It has "the very same immune boosting formula as the original" (that means it's the same old shit) but it's served in "convenient single-serve packets" so you can "take it anywhere you go". Yeah, the normal packaging, a five inch plastic tube, was really weighing us down. Thanks to these single-serving packets we can take Airborne anywhere we go. Perhaps we'll take it with us when we go to the better business bureau to file a complaint against your bullshit product.
The Commercial
A lot of people are against racially profiling airline passengers, but this is just too much. Has the whole "tolerance" thing really gotten to the point where we have to let a seven-foot tall purple amoeba with a foreign accent onto the plane? Fuck his 'rights'. You heard the announcer. Germs are everywhere! Wake up, America!*
Testimonials
While scouring the Airborne website for testimonials to mock we found this unexpected gem.
"Look, Airborne is great. I wouldn't go on a movie set without it; it's on my plane and in my house." -Kevin Costner
Hey Kevin, maybe we should start taking Airborne before we watch your movies since they usually make us sick.** Zing! Take that Mr. big shot actor with his own fucking plane.
The Bottom Line
A while back a study was conducted that seemed to prove Airborne's effectiveness. As it turned out, the study wasn't conducted by any doctors or scientists. The whole thing was run by two dudes, and one of them didn't even have a college degree. Guess who sponsored the study. Yep. Airborne.
Enjoy your placebo, Kev.
Stories like that make it hard for us to dislike Airborne. If anything, we're just jealous that we didn't think of the scam first. After all, it's not as if they're selling a fake medication to cancer patients. They're tricking idiots*** into thinking a school teacher cured the common cold.
So we give Airborne The Phat Phree seal of approval. Go out and buy it today. Or just eat a fucking orange.
* Sorry. This seemed funny at 4:38 am (no it didn't). ** The Untouchables was pretty good. *** Yes, you're an idiot.
Posts: 1714 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:21:27 AM
The only people who buy this shit are the people that use anti-bacterial everything, wash their hands every 15 minutes, take 5 showers a day, and then wonder why they are constantly sick.
Way to find something in need and blast it out of the fucking water. That's what we need more of here people. I gave it a 5 for great form and a deserving target.
Posts: 12 Rank: 213 Joined:
4/25/2007
Location:
Under Your Moms Bed, OH
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:53:05 AM
I love the "FDA" disclaimer on this shit. If it's not ment to treat,cure or diagnose anything, then why is when I type "Airborne Medicine" on Google, the first link is to their webpage. Check out thier website FAQ, it's funny how they get around the questions without ever answering them. Or just check the site out because the teacher is a bit of a MILF. I wonder if she knows that a high protein diet can help your immune system and that my cock has the perfect dietary supplement built right in. Although my cock has not been evaluated by the FDA, o yeah, neither has her bullshit product.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:05:37 PM
from now on every time you post, i'm either gonna blast an airhorn at a blind kid or throw a feral cat on a pregnant woman. be a decent human being, do the right thing here....
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