Greatest Ever?

In 1993, Clayton Bailey's mustache was officially measured during the Bull Valley Mustache Festival held in Hayward, California. From tip to tip, his mustache measured twenty four inches. That’s some mustache! In celebration of Bailey’s twenty-four inches of ‘stache and in accordance with the greatest mustaches in sport and the beginning of the 2005 Major League Baseball season, the Phat Phree proudly presents, the MLB ‘All Porn Mustache’ Team.

CUE: FUNKY BASSLINE AND WA-WA GUITAR.

Photo	Info	Description
The Coaching Staff
Manager: Billy Martin
	Billy’s feuds with The Boss may have cost him his job with the Yankees, but they did little to stress the growth on his upper lip. Unfortunately, Billy couldn’t control his whip and he and his mustache were lost in a car accident... R.I.P.
Third Base Coach: Cito Gaston
	Cito sports the Canadian brand of porn ‘stache. It’s just there, it’s polite, it won’t hurt you, and it’s very clean, but behind closed doors, look out bitches! It’s Gaston Time!
Hitting Coach: Kevin Kennedy
	Kennedy is awaiting a subpoena from Congress to testify on steroids and how they may or may not have played a role in the grooming of his mustache. Our sources indicate that Kevin has a powerful, but clean mustache.
Pitching Coach: Leo Mazzone
	He rocks (literally)!  Dude looks like a mental patient who escaped form a facility on the first nice day of spring and set up shop on a bench in Central Park.  Mazzone sure knows something about pitching… and porn ‘staches.
Bench Coach: Bruce Bochy
	Ladies and gentlemen… Bruce Bochy’s mustache!
THE STARTING LINE-UP
Catcher: Mike Piazza
	The ‘Italian Stallion’ of the squad, you can just see Piazza rolling through a yellow light in his Iroc-Z with the T-Tops wide open and his mustache blowing in the wind. He’s also probably eating a slice of pie that’s folded in half and dripping grease all over his mustache and his pleather interior.
First Base: Keith Hernandez
	Hernandez is best known and most widely recognized for his porn mustache. It wasn’t the singles and walks that landed him on Seinfeld… it was the TV savvy ‘stache. Spitting conspiracies be damned! Hernandez did not ‘act’ alone.
Second Base: Willie Randolph
	New job managing the Mets… same ol’ porn ‘stache. Willie knows his meal ticket. It’s not about the money, it’s a mad dash to trim the ‘stache and Willie’s got the wheels to be a winner. Where’s Steve Sax… show your homie some love, and get him a job too.
Shortstop: Dickie Thon
	Let me get this straight… his first name is Dickie, and he has that mustache to boot!  Perfect.  Speaking of boots, Thon muffed his fair share of ground balls as a journeyman middle infielder, but on this squad his mustache is an all-star.
Third Base: Mike Schmidt
	Schmiddy’s coif and mustache look so good, it almost makes you want to cry.  Apparently he felt the same way during his Hall of Fame induction speech, when he bawled like a fat girl with no date to the prom.  Stand up to piss. For Christ’s sake, Mike, you’re embarrassing yourself.
Leftfield:  Dave Kingman
	There is a reason King Kong was always Jim Thome's favorite player... his raw power and tape measure home runs? Nope, killer porn mustache.
Centerfield: Reggie Jackson
	‘Mr October’? Try ‘Mr. Porn ‘Stache October’, ‘cause with lip fur like that Mr. Jackson looks good in any season.
Rightfield: Andre Dawson
	Check out the Hawk’s curl!  It’s absolutely glistening, dripping almost.  “Just let your soul glow…”  They should have let Andre be the only major leaguer to not have to wear a hat in the field.  One word of advice: get tha