The Head Waiter

While I was in college, I was a "star" server at a number of different restaurants. Some of my credits include Joe's Crab Shack, Houston's Restaurant, Bonne Terre French Bistro and PF Changs (for three days). Throughout my miserable journeys, one thing always remained pretty much the same: the cast of character that make up a restaurant's staff. I found that, no matter what kind of restaurant you work in, there are certain archetypical figures who are as ubiquitous as toothpicks on the hostess' stand.

The Head Waiter
Common Aliases: Preston, Ty, Jason, Cody

Vital Stats: If a Restaurant were Hollywood, the Head Waiter would be the movie star (I know, the irony is not lost on me, either). While not necessarily most powerful in title, the Head Waiter is the most recognizable and connected member of the restaurant community. He's the restaurant's face to the public. He's who the rest of the staff looks up to and emulates. He's the bright constellation around which everything else revolves. Important decisions about where to go out drinking after work, and who gets to come along, are usually made by the Head Waiter. He's worked at the restaurant for at least a year and, despite being the laziest and most irresponsible member of the staff, somehow manages to make about 3 times as much as everyone else does in tips, which is something he makes sure to brag about at the end of each and every shift. The Head Waiter has had sex with every female employee at the restaurant, except the fat ones, who he only allowed to blow him when he was drunk. The Head Waiter is usually out of college, and is just working at the restaurant until "the whole acting thing" or "the whole band thing" or "the whole DJ thing" finally works out.

Is Sleeping With: Everything With a Vagina

Wants To Be Sleeping With: Men


The Bitchy Waitress
Common Aliases: Nikki, Lizzie, Rachel, Tanya

Vital Stats: While not as powerful as the Head Waiter, the Bitchy Waitress is still his female counterpart. Overworked, perpetually stressed out and pissed off, the Bitchy Waitress would usually be pretty cute if you cleaned all the food and desperation off of her. The Bitchy Waitress is always complaining that she doesn't get enough hours (even though she seems to be ominpresent at the restaurant) and is convinced the rest of the staff is out to get her. She needs the extra shifts so she can pay the note on her leased Camaro (which is yellow). After work, she continues being bitchy until she's had 8 or 9 Smirnoff Ices, at which point she looks for the lucky guy who's going to give her her next abortion. The Head Waiter nailed her a long time ago, which is an unspoken point of contention between them. She always has her drinks paid for by the Cocktail Wannabe or The Party Dudes (see below). The Bitchy Waitress is waiting tables until she decides whether she wants to go to Beauty School or audition for American Idol ('cause she's way better than those sluts).

Is Sleeping With: Whoever Bought Her Last Drink

Wants To Be Sleeping With: Brian the Manager (so she can get more shifts)


Brian the Manager
Common Aliases: None, its always some dude named "Brian"

Vital Stats: This guy enjoyed waiting tables so much, and had such a rocking time working as the Head Waiter at a TGIFridays back in the 80's (you should have been at Fridays in the 80's, dude - it was nuts), that he changed his major to Restaurant Management and devoted his entire life to working in food service. He's since become an anal-retentive/obsessive-compulsive, determined to pay so much attention to details that the boys in corporate will recognize his commitment to excellence and make him a General Manager at his very own restaurant. He spends the majority of his day walking around and asking patrons "Is everything ok?" or standing by the food prep line to make sure the waitstaff isn't pilfering dinner rolls. Also, he actually believes in the corporate slogans found within the company training materials.

Is Sleeping With: The Aging General Manager at TGI Fridays, Which He Still Frequents After Every Shift

Wants To Be Sleeping With: The Aging General Manager at TGI Fridays, But Back In the 80's When They Were Young and She Wouldn't Give Him the Time of Day


The Party Dudes
Common Aliases: Eric, Matt, Tim, Brandon, Trey, Joe

Vital Stats: These dudes live to party and wait tables to live. They are steadfast in their dedication to the Head Waiter, the restaurant, and getting wasted. Their lives - and their tips - are spent in an endless haze of sex, booze and self-loathing. While at work, the Party Dudes spend most of their time trying to figure out where the Head Waiter wants to go drinking, then convincing every chick in the place to come along, too. Usually still in college, these guys always think waiting tables is just a temporary way to subsidize their partying ways, but are later confronted with the reality that they've become 30 year-old alcoholics who've spent 10 years working at a dead-end job and have nothing to show for it other than a couple of DUI's and an ever-expanding beer gut. Most of their modest mental faculties are expended on devising ways to convince underage Hostessluts to have to sex with them. When all else fails, they turn to thier plentiful supply of date-rape drugs and cheap hooch.

Is Sleeping With: Whichever Hostesslut Passes Out First

Wants To Be Sleeping With: The Deluded Bartendress


The Deluded Bartendress
Common Aliases: Becky, Nina, Shannon, Kim

Vital Stats: The Deluded Bartendress is a decent-looking woman in her mid-to-late twenties who has become so used to the worship and adulation from the drunks she serves, that she has actually come to believe that she is The Most Beautiful and Desirable Creature On the Planet. Whether she's taking a drink order or waiting for her tipout from the waitstaff, she treats everyone she encounters like they are lucky to be in her presence. Despite the fact that she's still living under crushing debt and a hasn't had a relationship longer than 2 weeks, she persistently buys into the illusion of her own Royalty. The Deluded Bartendress has come to expect nothing less than a 100% tip, and she likes to casually mention to the lowly waiters that "one time this business dude left me $1000 on a $10 tab". If she is not tipped her customary 100%, she simply skims the register for the difference. The Deluded Bartendress rarely socializes with the other members of the waitstaff, instead choosing to hang out in expensive nightclubs, where she mistakes everyone ignoring her for deferential respect.

Is Sleeping With: The Staggeringly Naive Notion That Being a Semi-Hot Bartender Will Take Her Far In Life

Wants To Be Sleeping With: Tom Cruise


The Cocktail Wannabe
Common Aliases: Jerry, Jack, Jimmy, John

Vital Stats: Ever since seeing Tom Cruise in "Cocktail" when he was 13 years old, this guy has aspired to be one thing and one thing only - a total douchebag who throws shit around behind the bar without realizing that it ceased being impressive or cool about a month after the movie "Cocktail" left theaters. This guy really believes that the patrons of Chili's in Little Rock, Arkansas want to see him throw rum bottles around before making their Frozen Fruity Freezer Fruits. He pisses off most of the waitstaff, who are constantl