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John McClaine Returns in 2006?
Chad once wrote an article about how you could figure out the quality of a Mel Gibson movie based solely on the amount of running he does in it. If he runs a lot, the movie is typically good, and if he doesn't, well let's just say there isn't so much as a long stride in What Women Want.
Well, the crack team here at the Phat Phree has developed similar theory about Bruce Willis. He too has a technique that when employed all but guarantees quality. What is it? Smoking.
While not as physically healthy as Mel’s rigorous runs, the effects of Bruce lighting up on screen is undeniable. Now, these skills aren’t transferable. For example: Cuba Gooding could run a fucking marathon while sucking down cartons of unfiltered Camels and he still couldn’t carry a bottle to a baby, let alone a movie, because he’s a lousy actor.
Well back to Bruce; let’s take a look some of his films to see how we came to this theory.
The Die Hard Trilogy John McClaine was a smoking fool in these films, and they are near the pinnacle of action movies. But I offer that it wasn’t the action that made these films great. Nor was it the great Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber. Nor was it the cop from Family Matters. It was the smoking.
Hudson Hawk I know Justin is gonna give me shit about this, but I am sorry- this movie is terrible. It is not “so bad it’s good” nor is it “hysterical.” Why? Well, the script is awful, the acting is uninspired, the direction is rudderless, and Willis is smoke free.
Pulp Fiction Tarantino typically gets all the credit for the success of this movie, but truth be told, it is Willis’ smoking that deserves at least a share of the accolades. Ole Bruce does a bit of everything in this movie: fucking, fighting, swearing, killing and of course smoking.
I also find it interesting that the worst scenes of this movie are the ones with Willis and his annoying girlfriend. I always blamed this on the painfully bad actress who plays Fabienne, but upon further study, I think this is the clearest example of the power of Willis’ smoking prowess. Quite simply, Willis doesn’t smoke around her- and he shows his penis, another way to ruin a movie.
Astronauts can't smoke... Too bad.
Look Who’s Talking They should have called this movie, Look Who’s Not Smoking.
Need more proof? Here’s a list of other non-smoking Willis vehicles.
The Jackel Blind Date Bonfire of the Vanities North Mercury Rising Death Becomes Her The Kid Rugrats: The Movie The Whole Ten Yards Armageddon
Other smoking films:
The Last Boy Scout The Fifth Element Sin City (I’m not 100% sure he smokes in this movie. I've only seen it once, but there is a lot of smoking and he does rip off a child molester's penis.)
Where are my cigarettes?! And why am I wearing this stupid hat?
The only real exception to this rule is Twelve Monkeys, which overcomes the non-smoking problem with a fantastic script, exceptional performances by Brad Pitt and Madeleine Stowe, and a certifiable madman genius at the helm.
So with Die Hard 4 in pre-production, we can only hope that there are some smokes peppering the script. And if there aren’t, let me offer our services for some script work. Just drop us an email.
Additional reporting by Chad Zumock, Jesse Lamovsky & Charlie DeMarco
I think you're on to something here. I never thought about this, but it does make sense. Way to crack the formula guys
AngieE
What?!
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Posted: 4/27/2005 2:42:09 PM
Armageddon and The Whole Nine Yards are both great movies... The only ones who are smoking something is you... losers.
TelDawg
oh Jesus!
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Posted: 4/27/2005 2:45:25 PM
What the fuck are you talking about, Angie?! Armageddon is a great movie? What the hell are you talking about? They send oil rig workers into space to blow up an asteroid... THEY SEND OIL RIG WORKERS INTO SPACE TO BLOW UP AN ASTEROID! I mean seriously, what the fuck?
schoey
willis in sin city
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Posted: 4/27/2005 3:30:28 PM
he was definitely smoking a few cigs.....you know what else was smoking in sin city....jessica alba.....
me
ha
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Posted: 4/27/2005 4:03:24 PM
"The should have called this movie, Look Who’s Not Smoking."
Great line.
And great line of logic.
mR.GLass
unbreakable bitch.
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Posted: 4/27/2005 6:46:30 PM
jimmy-tell me you didn't like unbreakable.......... no smoking........ dick.
Jimmy
I have to admit...
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Posted: 4/27/2005 7:22:33 PM
I do have to admit that I liked Unbreakable. BUT, that doesn't mean it is a good movie. I think you will find the majority of people find that movie to be a pointless and boring 2 hours with a silly switcheroo ending - and there was no smoking.
Kristin
Bruce yer gettin' old.
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Posted: 5/14/2005 11:26:53 PM
Like rings on a tree, you can tell the age of this guy by measuring the increasing distance between his nose and upperlip. I swear its like a set of sagging titties....
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