Fast for a DT

Cry on, Aaron Rodgers. You had to wait until the 24th pick, and everyone acts like you should get a medal of honor for not committing suicide on national TV. Whatever. You’re getting paid; got a guaranteed roster spot, signing bonus, the whole nine yards. What about the Round 5 guys? The guys chosen when nobody else is watching. The guys announced, not by Tagliabue like the first rounders, but by the janitor of the Javits Center. These are the guys who deserve some more attention. So, finally, an in-depth look at the Round 5 NFL Draftees:

Pick 1 (137) - San Francisco
Ronald Fields, DT, Mississippi State
Allegedly fast for a defensive tackle. Of course, this means that he may be able to defeat a glacier in a 40-yard race. Remember, Warren Sapp is a DT. Fields plans to use the training he received at Hargrave (Va.) Military Academy in 2000 to enable him to stage a coup d’etat if his contract demands are not met.

Pick 2 (138) Kansas City
Boomer Grigsby, ILB, Illinois State
Grigsby was a four-year starter at Illinois State. Not Illinois, but Illinois State. I believe one of his fellow linebackers there was the Hamburglar. Tough to hold THAT position for 4 years. Boomer won the USTA trampoline championship as a member of the AAU national gymnastics team. Of course, he’s going to need a trampoline to see over the line, as he steps up to the doorframe at under 6 feet tall.

Pick 3 (139) Cleveland
David McMillan, DE, Kansas
NFLDraftScout.com reports that “David will give a blocker more shake than bake and does not have great counter moves, but will knife through the pile with his inside rip-and-swim technique.” I’m willing to bet they’re right, but have absolutely no idea what that means. Considering he MIGHT be able to get to 270 pounds if he really dedicates himself to working out in the off-season, I’m just glad I didn’t see the phrase “bull rush” in there anywhere.

Pick 4 (140) Chicago
Airese Currie, WR, Clemson
Airese (pronounced “Shawn”) is a world-class sprinter. As we know, that means he’s able to catch a football extremely well, in addition to being able to make great cuts, and ward defenders from the ball. Oh wait, it means he can run real fast in a straight line with nobody hitting him. Will soon be selling cars with all the other “world-class sprinter” receivers.

Pick 5 (141) Tampa Bay
Donte Nicholson, SS, Oklahoma
Tampa Bay took a chance here that maybe someone would get confused and send them Brodney Pool, the good safety for the Sooners and a second-round pick. However, it probably will be Nicholson who shows up for training camp and gets Alstotted to the unemployment line by August. Nicholson is the rare college football player who managed in communications. Why is it they all major in communications, yet none can complete a sentence when being interviewed?

Pick 6 (142) Tennessee
Damien Nash, RB, Missouri
Nash is 5’ 9 1/2” tall, but is said to be taking Flintstones on a daily basis in order to reach the 5’ 10” plateau. There is really absolutely no risk in this pick considering that Nash: started his career in community college, where he redshirted a year, and then hurt his knee; was suspended by Missouri his only year there; and decided to leave school early rather than have to deal with the coaching staff he signed his letter of intent with. Nothing but character with this fellow.

Pick 7 (143) Green Bay
Junius Coston, C, North Carolina A&T
Coston was one of the best players in NCA&T’s conference. What conference this was is still being researched. His draft stock went up noticeably when he was able to name all the letters in NCA&T.

And introducing, at 5' 4

Pick 8 (144) St. Louis
Jerome Collins, TE, Notre Dame
Collins started out at Notre Dame as a linebacker, switched to defensive end, then moved to tight end. In a rare feat, he managed to never start a game in any of these positions. It is believe he was selected here because St. Louis thought they were getting former P-Funk All-Star Bootsy Collins, as Mike Martz afterwards said “The opportunity to get an all-star this late in the draft was too good to pass up. Also, I’m a genius. A GENIUS!!” Martz then laughed maniacally as he walked down the hall, trying to call a time out.

Pick 9 (145) Detroit
Dan Orlovsky, QB, Connecticut
Detroit drafted Orlovsky with the stated aim to field two offenses simultaneously in 2005. “We realized we had so many damn receivers, obviously we need two people to throw the ball to them. Also, don’t tell anyone, but Harrington sucks ass,” said Team President Matt Millen.

Pick 10 (146) Philadelphia
Trent Cole, OLB, Cincinnati
Cole was nicknamed “Scrap Iron” by his college coaches, both for his physicque, and for having approximately the same IQ. Finished third in UC history in career sacks, behind Antwan Peek (27, 1996-02) and Andre Frazier (22½, 2001-04). With that kind of precedent, I think we can expect to see Trent Cole in Pro Bowls well into the teens.

Pick 11 (147) Kansas City
Alphonso Hodge CB Miami (Ohio)
Hodge, selected by the Chiefs with the hope he could convince Ben Roethlisberger to change teams, managed the rare cornerback feat of not recording a single interception in his entire career with the Redhawks. The Chiefs see this as a good sign, as Hodges will not intimidate any of the horrible defensive players currently occupying roster spots in Kansas City.

Pick 12 (148) Indianapolis
Jonathan Welsh DE Wisconsin
Welsh is a player who was in the midst of a terrible 2004 season (9 tackles in 5 games) before he was injured, after which his production fell off. However, Welsh is not only small, but also weak with bad technique. As such, he should have no problem helping the Colts fail to stop Tom Brady and the Patriots again.

Pick 13 (149) Carolina
Adam Seward, ILB, Nevada-Las Vegas
Seward is fast and tough, setting the all-time Mountain West conference record for tackles in a career. However, the real reason that Carolina wanted him is that he grew up in Las Vegas, then played his college ball there. The man knows the sportsbooks like the back of his hand, and Jerry Richardson is in some serious financial trouble. A few good tips from Seward, and Richardson’s back in black, and Seward has himself a career-long roster spot.

Pick 14 (150) Tennessee
Daniel Loper, OT, Texas Tech
Loper played very solid OT for the Red Raiders, but only graded out as a 7th round pick until the combine. There he impressed scouts when, presented with the Wonderlic intelligence examination, he ate the whole thing in six bites.

Pick 15 (151) Houston
Drew Hodgdon, C, Arizona State
Drew’s pick here was due to a couple of factors. First off, he was renowned for his work ethic while at Arizona State, and the Texans feel he can use that to help come back from the injury that slowed him down during the 2004 season. Secondly, his first name is Lincoln, and Houston really wanted to know where the hell anyone got “Drew” as a nickname from Lincoln.

Pick 16 (152) New Orleans
Adrian McPherson, QB, Florida State
Hmmmm…let’s see…take someone with disciplinary problems in his history…put him in a city known as The Big Easy…I really see nothing but good things happening here. But just in case, someone might want to warn the good citizens of N’awrlins to hold on to their checkbooks.

Pick 17 (153) Cincinnati
Adam Kieft, OT, Central Michigan
According to NFLDraftScout.com, Adam’s “hobbies include eating and sleeping.” Additionally, Adam went on to say he enjoys breathing, and occasionally walking to get from point A to point B. Adam’s goals include living to see tomorrow. Teammates at Central Michigan named him “Mr.<