Fast for a DT

Cry on, Aaron Rodgers. You had to wait until the 24th pick, and everyone acts like you should get a medal of honor for not committing suicide on national TV. Whatever. You’re getting paid; got a guaranteed roster spot, signing bonus, the whole nine yards. What about the Round 5 guys? The guys chosen when nobody else is watching. The guys announced, not by Tagliabue like the first rounders, but by the janitor of the Javits Center. These are the guys who deserve some more attention. So, finally, an in-depth look at the Round 5 NFL Draftees:

Pick 1 (137) - San Francisco
Ronald Fields, DT, Mississippi State
Allegedly fast for a defensive tackle. Of course, this means that he may be able to defeat a glacier in a 40-yard race. Remember, Warren Sapp is a DT. Fields plans to use the training he received at Hargrave (Va.) Military Academy in 2000 to enable him to stage a coup d’etat if his contract demands are not met.

Pick 2 (138) Kansas City
Boomer Grigsby, ILB, Illinois State
Grigsby was a four-year starter at Illinois State. Not Illinois, but Illinois State. I believe one of his fellow linebackers there was the Hamburglar. Tough to hold THAT position for 4 years. Boomer won the USTA trampoline championship as a member of the AAU national gymnastics team. Of course, he’s going to need a trampoline to see over the line, as he steps up to the doorframe at under 6 feet tall.

Pick 3 (139) Cleveland
David McMillan, DE, Kansas
NFLDraftScout.com reports that “David will give a blocker more shake than bake and does not have great counter moves, but will knife through the pile with his inside rip-and-swim technique.” I’m willing to bet they’re right, but have absolutely no idea what that means. Considering he MIGHT be able to get to 270 pounds if he really dedicates himself to working out in the off-season, I’m just glad I didn’t see the phrase “bull rush” in there anywhere.

Pick 4 (140) Chicago
Airese Currie, WR, Clemson
Airese (pronounced “Shawn”) is a world-class sprinter. As we know, that means he’s able to catch a football extremely well, in addition to being able to make great cuts, and ward defenders from the ball. Oh wait, it means he can run real fast in a straight line with nobody hitting him. Will soon be selling cars with all the other “world-class sprinter” receivers.

Pick 5 (141) Tampa Bay
Donte Nicholson, SS, Oklahoma
Tampa Bay took a chance here that maybe someone would get confused and send them Brodney Pool, the good safety for the Sooners and a second-round pick. However, it probably will be Nicholson who shows up for training camp and gets Alstotted to the unemployment line by August. Nicholson is the rare college football player who managed in communications. Why is it they all major in communications, yet none can complete a sentence when being interviewed?

Pick 6 (142) Tennessee
Damien Nash, RB, Missouri
Nash is 5’ 9 1/2” tall, but is said to be taking Flintstones on a daily basis in order to reach the 5’ 10” plateau. There is really absolutely no risk in this pick considering that Nash: started his career in community college, where he redshirted a year, and then hurt his knee; was suspended by Missouri his only year there; and decided to leave school early rather than have to deal with the coaching staff he signed his letter of intent with. Nothing but character with this fellow.

Pick 7 (143) Green Bay
Junius Coston, C, North Carolina A&T
Coston was one of the best players in NCA&T’s conference. What conference this was is still being researched. His draft stock went up noticeably when he was able to name all the letters in NCA&T.

Pick 8 (144) St. Louis
Jerome Collins, TE, Notre Dame
Collins started out at Notre Dame as a linebacker, switched to defensive end, then moved to tight end. In a rare feat, he managed to never start a game in any of these positions. It is believe he was selected here because St. Louis thought they were getting former P-Funk All-Star Bootsy Collins, as Mike Martz afterwards said “The opportunity to get an all-star this late in the draft was too good to pass up. Also, I’m a genius. A GENIUS!!” Martz then laughed maniacally as he walked down the hall, trying to call a time out.

Pick 9 (145) Detroit
Dan Orlovsky, QB, Connecticut
Detroit drafted Orlovsky with the stated aim to field two offenses simultaneously in 2005. “We realized we had so many damn receivers, obviously we need two people to throw the ball to them. Also, don’t tell anyone, but Harrington sucks ass,” said Team President Matt Millen.

Pick 10 (146) Philadelphia
Trent Cole, OLB, Cincinnati
Cole was nicknamed “Scrap Iron” by his college coaches, both for his physicque, and for having approximately the same IQ. Finished third in UC history in career sacks, behind Antwan Peek (27, 1996-02) and Andre Frazier (22½, 2001-04). With that kind of precedent, I think we can expect to see Trent Cole in Pro Bowls well into the teens.

Pick 11 (147) Kansas City
Alphonso Hodge CB Miami (Ohio)
Hodge, selected by the Chiefs with the hope he could convince Ben Roethlisberger to change teams, managed the rare cornerback feat of not recording a single interception in his entire career with the Redhawks. The Chiefs see this as a good sign, as Hodges will not intimidate any of the horrible defensive players currently occupying roster spots in Kansas City.

Pick 12 (148) Indianapolis
Jonathan Welsh DE Wisconsin
Welsh is a player who was in the midst of a terrible 2004 season (9 tackles in 5 games) before he was injured, after which his production fell off. However, Welsh is not only small, but also weak with bad technique. As such, he should have no problem helping the Colts fail to stop Tom Brady and the Patriots again.

Pick 13 (149) Carolina
Adam Seward, ILB, Nevada-Las Vegas
Seward is fast and tough, setting the all-time Mountain West conference record for tackles in a career. However, the real reason that Carolina wanted him is that he grew up in Las Vegas, then played his college ball there. The man knows the sportsbooks like the back of his hand, and Jerry Richardson is in some serious financial trouble. A few good tips from Seward, and Richardson’s back in black, and Seward has himself a career-long roster spot.

Pick 14 (150) Tennessee
Daniel Loper, OT, Texas Tech
Loper played very solid OT for the Red Raiders, but only graded out as a 7th round pick until the combine. There he impressed scouts when, presented with the Wonderlic intelligence examination, he ate the whole thing in six bites.

Pick 15 (151) Houston
Drew Hodgdon, C, Arizona State
Drew’s pick here was due to a couple of factors. First off, he was renowned for his work ethic while at Arizona State, and the Texans feel he can use that to help come back from the injury that slowed him down during the 2004 season. Secondly, his first name is Lincoln, and Houston really wanted to know where the hell anyone got “Drew” as a nickname from Lincoln.

Pick 16 (152) New Orleans
Adrian McPherson, QB, Florida State
Hmmmm…let’s see…take someone with disciplinary problems in his history…put him in a city known as The Big Easy…I really see nothing but good things happening here. But just in case, someone might want to warn the good citizens of N’awrlins to hold on to their checkbooks.

Pick 17 (153) Cincinnati
Adam Kieft, OT, Central Michigan
According to NFLDraftScout.com, Adam’s “hobbies include eating and sleeping.” Additionally, Adam went on to say he enjoys breathing, and occasionally walking to get from point A to point B. Adam’s goals include living to see tomorrow. Teammates at Central Michigan named him “Mr. Exciting” for the class of 2005. His mother recounts that when he was young, Adam would “sometimes just sit and rock and moan softly to himself for hours at a time.” A real keeper for the Bengals.

Pick 18 (154) Washington Larry Brackins
Robert McCune, ILB, Louisville
Robert served in the National Guard, and his brother was killed in service in the Middle East. I have nothing to say.

And introducing, at 5' 4

Pick 19 (155) Tampa Bay
Larry Brackins, WR, Pearl River C.C.
Larry Brackins was called the “Randy Moss of the Junior College ranks.” I was known as the Brian Brennan of my high school pickup games, but that doesn’t mean anyone was offering me a roster spot. For Brackins to make it to final cut day will take a miracle.

Pick 20 (156) Buffalo
Eric King, CB, Wake Forest
Eric is under 5’ 9” tall. Eric is bad at man coverage. Eric is going to get swallowed alive by Lee Evans in mini-camp, much less by anyone outside his team once the regular season starts. Eric will not see that regular season. Good night, Eric.

Pick 21 (157) Jacksonville
Gerald Sensabaugh, SS, North Carolina
Sensabaugh is really good at jumping. He has a 45”+ vertical jump, and an 11’ long jump. Jacksonville is planning on having one play where Gerald is on the field, comes running up toward the line, and hurls himself over the line at the QB. This will be his only play, but will make for some kickass SportsCenter highlights.

Pick 22 (158) Baltimore
Justin Green, FB, Montana
Since Baltimore drafted him, we can all be quite sure that Justin green will become an All-Pro fullback so we can all hear how Baltimore’s scouting and analysis are so much better than everyone else’s and they have like a bazillion players they drafted in twenty gazillion Pro Bowls. The man transferred from San Diego State to Montana, fer chrissakes!! If this happens…I quit. Forget it.

Pick 23 (159) Seattle
Jeb Huckeba, OLB, Arkansas
What are the odds? A player for Arkansas named Jeb? Hmmm…probably about the same as those that the star player drafted from Arkansas, Matt Jones, will appear with a golden mullet flowing out from under his trucker cap when he’s selected in the first round. Ol’ Jeb should fit right in in Cappucinoville.

Pick 24 (160) Atlanta
Michael Boley, OLB, Southern Mississippi
Boley is an exceptional human being, who is involved with projects such as Habitat for Humanity, Real Winners Read, and a food drive for the Humane Society. Fortunately for him, he’ll have lots more time to pursue his altruism when he’s one of the first cuts from the Falcons’ squad, because the boy couldn’t tackle your great aunt.

Pick 25 (161) N.Y. Jets
Andre Maddox, SS, North Carolina State
Seemingly reentered the draft after the Steelers decided he was going to be permanently replaced by rookie sensation Ben Roethlisberger. Was a surprise pick for the Jets, though Chad Pennington proved fragile last year. Wait…wait…wrong Maddox…I have no clue about this guy.

Pick 26 (162) Miami
Anthony Alabi, OT, Texas Christian
Alabi hopes to someday work for the Secret Service. The man is 6” 5’, 310 lbs. “Hey, fellow assassin, can you see anyone who looks like they might be Secret Service?” “No, man, I can’t see through the man mountain in front of me with his finger in his ear trying to look discreet.” However, his Criminal Justice degree will come in handy in busting Ricky Williams should he come back to the Dolphins.

Pick 27 (163) Atlanta
Frank Omiyale, OT, Tennessee Tech
Omiyale was picked for his diverse skill set, all of which will be required for his work with the Falcons. In addition to blocking for Michael Vick, a challenge in itself with Vick’s scrambling ability, he will be expected to find truly discreet doctors with whom Ron Mexico can have his “checkups”.

Pick 28 (164) San Diego
Wesley Britt, OT, Alabama
San Diego figured “Hey, everyone else is drafting an OT, we should too.” Copycats. They don’t even know anything about Wesley, but Chargers GM A.J. Smith said “I’ve always liked The Princess Bride, and I’m definitely going to make him say ‘As you wish,’ whenever coach asks him to do something.”

Pick 29 (165) Indianapolis
Robert Hunt, C, North Dakota State
Hunt is a real steal for the Colts. This was made possible by the fact that they were the only ones able to find North Dakota State to scout him. Hunt will follow in a proud Bison tradition, featuring the hallowed names of Dave “Redenbacher” Piepkorn and Tyrone “Toni” Braxton.

Pick 30 (166) Pittsburgh
Rian Wallace, ILB, Temple
While Wallace’s overall numbers during his career at Temple were OK, there were serious doubts raised about his ability when it was learned that he tried out for “goon” on the Temple basketball team, and was turned down by coach John Chaney for not being aggressive enough. Also, his nickname is “Goo.” No shit, “Goo.” Would you want to spend any time in the locker room with a guy who’s name is “Goo”? That’s what I thought.

Pick 31 (167) Green Bay
Michael Hawkins, CB, Oklahoma
Somehow, “Einstein” Hawkins managed to fail out of Oklahoma (“The Harvard of Norman”), while majoring in General Studies. He did, however, manage 4 tackles all by himself in his one year as a Sooner. I see nothing but good things ahead for the man described by CBSSportsline.com as “tall.”

Pick 32 (168) Arizona
Lance Mitchell, ILB, Oklahoma
Lance faces an uphill battle to make the team, mainly due to his name. But, drawing on the strength of Lance Schulters and Lance Johnstone of the NFL, and leader of Lances everywhere Lance Armstrong, I foresee great things for Mr. Mitchell.

Pick 33 (169) Carolina
Geoff Hangartner, C, Texas A&M
I’ve always said, Mama let your babies grow up to be long snappers. You can play for 50 years in the NFL, and still be able to walk afterwards, if you can get the ball 7 yards backwards accurately and keep the big dude in front of you from blocking it. Just watch, Mr. Hangartner will be the next example of this.

Pick 34 (170) New England
Ryan Claridge, OLB, Nevada-Las Vegas
Ryan is also a tennis player. Can you imagine this 6’2”, 259 pound hulk rushing the net? Man, that’s one volley I’d get the hell away from. He played with Adam Seward, picked earlier in the round, and we all know New England’s just a copycat organization, and that’s why they took him.

Pick 35 (171) Carolina
Ben Emanuel, FS, UCLA
Ben is related to the Chiefs’ Derrick Johnson, as well as former receiver Bert Emanuel. Suprisingly, given his name, Ben is not thought to be Jewish at this time. It is expected that his Jewish name will outweigh his football playing genes, and he will end up looking for a job in banking or media.

Pick 36 (172) Philadelphia
Scott Young, G, Brigham Young
Scott will be punished by G-d for attending BYU and then deciding to pursue a career which mandates he work on the Sabbath. A bath in the lake of fire, as well as a torn ACL, are in his future.

Pick 37 (173) Indianapolis
Tyjaun Hagler, OLB, Cincinnati
Hagler bench presses 445 pounds, and runs a 4.47 40. This man is not someone to mess with. As such, I believe that he will succeed beyond anyone’s wildest expectations. Please don’t hurt me.

Pick 38 (174) San Francisco
Rasheed Marshall, WR, West Virginia
As last pick in the fifth round, Marshall earns the less coveted title of “Mr. Slightly Relevant.” Following in the footsteps of Antwaan Randle El and Arkansas’ Matt Jones, Marshall will be switching from QB to WR. It is widely expected that SF will trade Marshall to Buffalo, so coach Mike Mularkey can run the same kind of weird-ass plays he ran in Pittsburgh all the time. It is also expected that Mularkey will be just as successful in the playoffs with the Bills.