Steve 'Bye-Bye' Balboni.

As many of you may know, we here at the Phat Phree are working hard to help Steve Balboni and his family through a difficult time. You see, Steve was a mediocre player at best, and yet he has been forced to take money from lesser ballplayers under the guise of instruction to maintain his family's modest lifestyle.

So far we have raised over $1.00 and are off to great start. It's only been a month, and we are already 1/6th of the way to our goal! But loyal readers, we need your help. Please read the article below and make a contribution to the fund. Do it for baseball. Do it for the Phat Phree. Do it for Balboni!

To the beloved staff and readers of the Phat Phree... Steve Balboni needs our help! He is 'stealing' money from people who are less talented baseball players than he was. Let's help give him and his family the future they deserve, after all he was sort of a Major League Baseball player.

Steve “Bye-Bye” Balboni. The name says it all. In case I have never revealed this to the audience of this here daily online rag, sports have always played a fairly large role in my life. I’m especially enamored with average players that some how transcend their mediocre abilities to become household names, if only for a short period of time; hence my fascination with Mr. Balboni.

I recall first being introduced to Steve Balboni by way of the 1985 World Series. The Kansas City Royals had won the AL pennant and were facing the NL champs, the St. Louis Cardinals. A year prior, my father bought me my first ‘real’ baseball glove. I had turned six and it was my birthright, as a healthy male child in the United States, to begin eight consecutive years of little league baseball. My new glove featured the reprinted autograph of George Brett, so in addition to the Tribe, I became a pseudo-fan of that year's Royals team, at least in terms of pulling for them in the world series, and subsequently of Steve Balboni.

Balboni is described in the baseball library’s online home as “a free-swinging right-handed power hitter with a barrel chest and a mustachioed face”. That description could not be more accurate when compared with my childhood memory.

After the ’85 series I started to really get into baseball. I began to memorize teams’ line-ups, and recognize players’ ability levels and individual talents. I began to appreciate the long ball, and Steve Balboni became a guy I enjoyed following in the box scores (note, I did not say he was one of my favorite players). Balboni was a cult hero to me. I thought his name sounded funny- like the name of a new Chef Boyardee meal-in-a-can. I thought his nickname was funny. I thought he looked like some of the guys my dad played softball with on Sunday mornings. While I rooted for the Tribe and emulated George Brett, Steve Balboni was the player who had captured my imagination.

Fast forward to the present: I’m taking a shit trying to come up with an idea for a long over due sports article and it just pops into my head, like it had been lying in wait for twenty-years. Steve “Bye-Bye” Balboni (or maybe with a little prodding from the All-Porn ‘Stache Team… I think someone mentioned him in a post). “Son of a bitch”, I thought. “I wonder what Steve Balboni is doing nowadays”. So like anyone with internet access, I went online to see what he was up to.

To my utter shock, here’s what I found…

KJM Promotions is thrilled and honored to be assisting former New York Yankee Steve Balboni, in offering private hitting lessons and classes to the public, as well as other exciting ventures in the near future.

... former New York Yankee, Steve Balboni

Steve Balboni will be conducting a youth baseball camp in Linden, New Jersey. The camp will focus on all aspects of the game from fielding and pitching to hitting and running. There will be individual and team lessons in the morning and games played in the afternoon. Guest speakers will be on hand each day to talk to the kids on areas such as steroid and drug use, gangs and good sportsmanship.

Location: Memorial Field- Linden, NJ
Who: Boys and girls ages 10-16
Date: June 27-30, 2005
Time: 9:00am to 3:00pm
Fee: $275

Whoa! Wait a minute. Steve Balboni will be instructing fielding and hitting at his own youth baseball camp? There is no way this can be true. Are you kidding me? What has the world come to? And what the hell does Balboni know about pitching, he never graced the bump? Now I liked watching “Bye-Bye” go upper deck, but a hitting instructor teaching the fundamentals? C'mon. Isn't this a guy who spent the majority of his productive years at DH... and he's going to be teaching fielding? No fucking way; and especially not at $275 for four days. I don’t know if I’d pay Tony Gwynn or Ted Williams’ cryogenically frozen DNA $275 to teach my kid the fundamentals of baseball for four days. But wait… it gets worse.

Rates for individuals:
1- 45 minute private lesson $90.
4- 45 minute private lessons $340.
Rates for private groups/teams of 10-12 people:
1- 60 minute group lesson, working individually with each person, $40 per person.
4- 60 minute group lessons, working individually with each person, $35 per person.
Rates for groups or families of 4-9 people:
1- 60 minutes group lesson, working individually with each person, $65 per person.
All above lessons include a personal autograph. Steve will also be happy to take a picture with you, so be sure to bring your camera.

Wow a Steve Balboni autograph! I could probably get anywhere from $.50 to $2 for his autograph on a bobblehead (plus shipping and handling... wait do they even make a Steve Balboni bobblehead?) on E-Bay. A picture with Steve Balboni! That would look unbelievable over my fireplace! I would almost feel guilty taking the 'free' picture... I would probably pay him just so I could look myself in the mirror without feeling guilty. I wonder how much it would cost for him to come play a complete fourteen game season as a first baseman for a local softball team here in Kent, Ohio?

Let’s take a look at Steve Balboni’s ‘qualifications’ to host and run such a camp as well as provide the general paying public with private baseball instruction (and don’t forget the 'free' autograph and picture).

Steve Balboni had a career average of .229, and never hit better than .244 in any major league season. In the Royals ’85 regular season campaign, he led the majors with 166 strikeouts. That mark also established a Royals club record (P.S. for non-baseball fans, strikeouts are good if you are a pitcher, but not so good if you're a hitter... or ‘hitting instructor’). He also once struck out in nine consecutive plate appearances and at least once in 13 straight games. This is the man who’s going to teach you to become a better hitter? I don’t think so.

Can you autograph my bobblehead Mr. Balboni? I did pay $275 to come to your 4-day camp.

How about Steve Balboni the first baseman? Balboni tied for the league lead in errors by a first baseman in 1984, and led all first baseman in errors in 1986. He also spent the majority of his ‘productive years’ walking around with no glove at all because he was a DH. There is a reason managers put players at DH… because they can’t field! ‘Bye-Bye’ falls into this category. But he’s the man who’s going to teach you to be a better fielder? Yeah right.

In conclusion I think we, the staff and readers of the Phat Phree, need to take up a collection on behalf of Steve ‘Bye-Bye’ Balboni so that he has enough money for himself and his family. This way he won’t have to 'steal' it from kids and baseball players (or middle aged men going through mid-life crisis') that aren’t even as good as him. Don't force Mr. Balboni to tarnish his reputation, pretending to be a hitting, fielding, and pitching instructor.

Please send donations:
The Steve Balboni and Family Fund
C/o The Phat Phree
10008 National Blvd. #135
Los Angeles, CA<