We're All Liars

Ok, Guys.

Most of the time you aren’t listening to a damn word we're saying and the other 10%, you are standing there with eyes as wide as Anna Nicole Smith at a Hampton's Nursing home.

You're taking our every word at face value.

Suckers.

So, before your broad starts spewing the verbal diarrhea and leaves you believing that there is really nothing wrong, I have decided to help you boys out by giving you a quick lesson in the language known as "Chick Speak."

The Ass Question
You know you are done for when Miss PudgyPants walks into the room, crammed in her size 2's begging for a compliment by way of this stupid question. Tread carefully or prepare for death by unga bunga.

When She Says: “Do You Think I am Fat?”

She Means: I know my ass is chubby. You know it's chubby. But I can’t stop with the ice cream and those chik'n wings are delish. I need a compliment, so unless you want to chokin your own chicken, you best kiss this fat ass and tell me J.Ho is "too skinny for your liking."

A Bunch of ‘Nothing’
She's sulking, and you ask, "What's wrong?"

When She Says: "There is Nothing Wrong"

She Means: Everything is wrong because you are an asshole.

Charades
You are watching the game and suddenly the waterworks turn on under her eyes and you know you need to do something fast—her wailing is distracting you!

When She Says: “If you don’t know why I am upset, I am not going to tell you.”.

She Means: I’m not going to tell you right now! Instead I am going to make you squirm and live in fear, asking yourself, "when will she blow?!" The answer: In the most public place, in front of your friends.

You’re Best Friend
Your best friend, John looks a bit like Enrique Iglesias and, you have to admit, he makes more time for the gym than you do—but that is because the bastard doesn’t have a job! Your girlfriend thinks of him like a “brother.” You know this because she tells you. Idiot.

When She Says: “John is so cute, we should set him up.”

She Means: John is the guy I am fantasizing about when you smack it from the backside.

Who she thinks of when you're down there

Her Best Friend
They sit on the phone for hours. They do lunch. You know he knows more about your relationship than you do but you can’t do anything about it because they have been “best friends” for ten years.

When She Says: “Marco is my best friend. I didn't even notice his six-pack! He’s like a brother to me!”

What She Means: Marco is my penis in a bottle. The second you screw up, I am cracking that shit open and riding him into the sunset.

Girls Night Out
She’s an awesome girl. She adores you and there isn’t a chance in hell she would cheat on you. You know her. Fool.

When She Says: “We are just going to have dinner and go dancing and catch up!”

She Means: “We are just going to go to dinner, flirt with the hot Latin busboy, then go to the club, where we will sit with a group of hot older guys who have a table and a hell of a lot more money than you do. They will ply me with champagne and I will complain about how you never take me out or how you forgot to buy me a Christmas present. They will tell me I am gorgeous and deserve better than you and I will believe them.”

Going Dutch
She is so cool! She is so understanding! She even told you how she likes to be independent and pay for herself. Guess what, she is a liar.

When She Says: “Honey, it’s ok. I will get the bill—again.”

She Means: “You are such a cheap bastard. You need to get a real job and start pitching in because you’re a pain in my wallet.”

Penis Envy

When She Says: There is no way my ex, Luciano could ever compare to you, Howard.

She Means: “...because Luciano's whale far surpassed your five inches of love"”

Pillow Talk

When She Says: “Oh My God, That was amazing!”

She Means: “I cannot believe this shit works on him every time!”

Excederine

When She Says: “Not tonight, I have a headache.”

She Means: “I masturbated to John this afternoon.”