You...me...K-12, Champ!

With the final installment of Star Wars being released last week, one of the all time bad motherfucker villains is back. Darth Vader once again graces the silver screen. I have always had a place in my heart for the villain. They are often misunderstood, and it takes something like their son killing them for us to really see their good side.

With the return of one of the best in the business, it sparked me to give respect to some of my favorite, and maybe underappreciated, villains of all time: The 80’s Asshole. Teen romps from the 80’s had a simple equation: find a nerd, pair him or her with a much better looking and wealthier villain, have nerd successfully embarrass villain and life is grand. I fucking love the 80’s villain, and just once wanted to see them continue to beat the shit out of the nerd. This is just the tip of the iceberg, so I bring you just a few of the Assholes I Love!

Roy Stalin, Better Off Dead – Actor Aaron Dozier is about as pure of a fucking asshole you can ever ask for in this movie starring John Cusack as love struck teen Lane Meyer looking for ways to kill himself after his girlfriend tells him to hit the bricks. Of course she leaves him for Stalin, who is everything Meyer is not. Dozier’s character will annoy the shit out of you, calling Lane “Oscar Meyer”, picking on every nerd in sight and, of course, because he is the smug captain of the ski team. Where in all of hell is the captain of the fucking ski team the top banana? Not to mention that his last name is “Stalin”…you are supposed to despise this guy! As for Dozier the actor…well, there’s not much to say. He pulled a Houdini and disappeared for some 19 years before popping up in a film again. Guess he must have been an asshole in the real world as well.

Favorite Line: “Well, you sure got my vote for cutest couple. You better shave her a little closer before you kiss her goodnight.”

Stan Gable, Revenge of the Nerds – Ted McGinley has been given shit over the years for some of his television work including Happy Days and The Love Boat, but that all is A-OK with me given his portrayal of Stan Gable in this classic film. Gable is the Quarterback of the football team, captain of the football team, President of the Alpha Betas and President of the Greek Council. Plus he is porking Betty Childs, the fantasy girl for head nerd Lewis Skolnick. Gable finds every way possible to make the nerds lives a fucking nightmare, and does it with a gleaming shit eating grin at every turn. Of course Skolnick gets Betty, but only after Gable has made sloppy seconds of her. McGinley would go on to have a nice run on Married…with Children and has popped up in tons of other works, but for me it will always be “Gable, Gable, he’s our man!”

Favorite Line: “C’mon, Betty. You’re like a goat.”

My final villain is really a salute to the actor more than one role: William Zabka. I do not know if there has even been a more perfect antagonizing asshole bad guy than fucking Zabka. From 1984 to 1986, this guy was the king of the on screen asshole villains. It blows my mind that this guy was not a main installment of the “Brat Pack”. He was cooler than Anthony Michael Hall and Judd Nelson combined. He must have refused to do some blow off of puke faced retard Molly Ringwald’s ass and was black balled. Zabka nailed 80’s asshole like Ron Jeremy nailed 80’s assholes. His role as King Asshole would fade, and he actually was nominated for an Academy Award for his part in directing the 2003 film “Most”. He lost, but probably would have won if he had swept the leg. Without further adieu, here is the best of the best of Zabka…

Johnny Lawrence, The Karate Kid – Leading the Cobra Kai, this guy is such a dick from the first time you see him in the flick, and just becomes more dick as the film progresses. Then he does the unthinkable: he sweeps the fucking leg! I thought Daniel LaRusso (Ralph fucking Macchio) was going to die, and secretly hoped that he did. But instead, Danny gets up, we get a crane, and Johnny is sent packing. I’ll bet the farm that Johnny still went on to nail hotter chicks and got a much more lucrative pharmaceuticals sales job down the road.

That's my PI!

Favorite Line: “How ‘bout you hero…had enough?”

Greg Tolan, Just One of the Guys – He had the hair. He had the car. He had the weight lifting gloves. Greg Tolan was such an asshole that I don’t even think the other assholes at school really liked him. From the day Terri Griffith becomes Terry the guy and enters the school, Tolan is on him/her like stink on shit. He is the classic bully that just fucking hates everyone that is not like him. He is not sure why to hate Terry, but he does. Probably because he’s got tits.

Favorite Line: “Did that asshole just call me an asshole?”

Jack, National Lampoon’s European Vacation – You don’t see much of Jack on screen in this movie, other than the ridiculous posters his chunk butt girlfriend Audrey Griswold displays in her hotel rooms. You hear his name uttered by that fat turd more than you actually see him, but when he is there he shines. Audrey is obsessed with her weight problem, as she should be, and Jack doesn’t help. All Audrey does is think of Jack, while Jack doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about her.

Favorite Line: (In a letter) “Dear Audrey, Do you think our relationship is strong enough that we can see other people? I sure do.”

I swept the fucking leg...

Chas Osborne, Back to School – This might be the defining moment for me with Zabka. I think I actually stood and cheered in the theater every time he laced into Jason Melon. Melon, played by Keith Gordon, may have been the biggest douche bag nerd of the bunch in the 80’s movies. This kid’s hair looked like shit on a skull and he was more pale than I was after seeing Kathy Bates naked in About Schmidt. There was really no way you could truthfully root for Melon over Osborne. Hell, even on screen dad Thorton Melon, played by Rodney Dangerfield (God rest his soul), seemed to hate the fucker. But not as much as Chas, who fakes an injury with the chances of blowing the big swim meet just because Melon had a good dive and he didn’t want that to lead the team to victory. Of course, one Triple Lindy later and it was sealed, and another one of Zabka’s characters bites the dust.

Favorite Line: “I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.”

There are many, many more great villains out there that have graced our lives, whether it was the 80’s or not. So buck up, campers, and let them roll. Tell me, who’s the bully you love to hate??