From Paris’s Future to the truth about that casting couch, the former star of The Daily Show tells all.

Most of you know him as the dry news correspondent from The Daily Show, but the first time I saw Vance DeGeneres he was just some cute guy walking across the lawn in front of the Universal offices in Los Angeles.

It was my third day on the job as a Casting Recruiter for the wholesome dating show, The 5th Wheel.

Feeling mighty confident in my new red sweater, I decided to flirt.

I told him to smile.

He did.

Two days later he walked into my office, smiling.

Thinking he was interested in “finding me,” I quickly applied my lipstick.

Turns out, he was on his way to his office.

He was the producer of the show.

I had flirted with my new boss.

I shrugged and thought, “Move over, Monica Lewinsky”

The Phat Phree: For those looking to steal your identity, what’s the official name on the birth certificate?

Vance: Vance Elliott DeGeneres, but you can just call me Mr. Vance Elliott DeGeneres.

TPP: Nice Name. Where’d you get it?

Vance: New Orleans. It’s in Louisiana, but really shouldn’t be. It should be its own entity, like Washington, D.C, except more corrupt.

TPP: Ah, which is why you chose wholesome Los Angeles, I see. So, let’s say a girl randomly wanted to know where about you lived.

Vance: I live in the Toluca Lake area of Los Angeles. You should drop by if you’re ever in the neighborhood. It’s the sort of yellowy house.

(Ok, guys, we’re in! Er, I’m in, but I’ll let you know how it goes!)

TPP: Ok, It’s a known fact that all famous people have eccentric personalities and various quirks. I know it’s known because I know it. What's yours?

Vance: Well, if I have a quirk – which I’m not saying that I do – it might be thinking that I don’t have any quirks. People in denial about quirks probably have the most and worst quirks. So read into that what you will. And there’s a fine line between being called “quirky” and being called just plain bizarre or crazy. That line is money. If you’re rich you’re quirky, if you’re poor you’re just strange. That’s why I never let anyone know how much money I have.

TPP: Which is why I got your name and birth information up front. In the meantime, while my people are looting your bank account, what are three things that will drive you from quirky to crazy?

Vance: Mean people, rainy days, and traffic jams.

No, wait, let me change that.

Getting popcorn stuck in between your teeth at the movies, which causes you to sob and whimper throughout the film, irritating your date, causing her to get “an attitude,” which you pick up on, then that starts a screaming fight, resulting in you getting thrown out of the theater.

Boy, that sure drives me crazy, alright.

Um, let’s see, what else?

Oh, yeah, it drives me crazy when you’re at a theater seeing a play and you’ve got dinner plans for after the theater, so you take your pants off to avoid wrinkling them, and some teenage usher with “an attitude” throws you out. That’s two things… what else?...

I said popcorn, right?...

Oh, I know. When we go to war based on made-up intelligence, resulting in the whole world hating us, and the deaths of way too many American Marines, soldiers, and sailors. And when you combine that with the threat of a creeping theocracy in our own country…

But mainly the popcorn-in-the-teeth thing drives me crazy, I guess.

TPP: Now, your die-hard fans know this, but before you were the hottest political correspondent on cable, you were living a la Bono as a member of the popular band, "The Cold." Was that your first band?

Vance: Nope, my first band was called The Dark Ages, back in seventh grade. I played lead guitar, which meant that I could play about two more notes than my friend Jay, who played rhythm guitar. Our first gig was a party at some kid’s house down the block. We were supposed to be paid $10. They threw cookies at us instead. You can only go up from there. After that band I had three or four other bands before starting The Cold, but The Cold was the most successful and by far the most fun.

An Ad For 'The Cold'

TPP: What do you play? What songs have you written?

Vance: I mainly play bass these days, but I play guitar, keyboards, drums, and clarinet. That was my first instrument in the fourth grade. Chicks dig a dude who plays the ol’ licorice stick. I also wrote or co-wrote lots of The Cold’s material. Then I moved to L.A. and started House of Schock with Gina Schock from The Go-Gos. She and I wrote the songs on our Capital album. We have some of our songs in “Bull Durham,” and “The Accused.”

I’ve also written songs that have been in various TV shows. I co-wrote a song from an “Ellen” episode that David Crosby, Bonnie Raitt, and Aaron Neville play and sing during the show, and a song that Eddie Fisher sings in another episode.

I also co-wrote the opening song from the ’97 Grammy Awards.

TPP: Now, we here at the Phat Phree a fairly traditional bunch. In fact, I dare say that nothing makes us happier than a good old-fashioned groupie story. C'mon, share one-- or five?

Vance: I wish I could, because there are some good ones, but because of the rules put in place by the 1981 agreement between the Musicians’ Union and the Groupies’ Union, I’m not allowed to talk about them. And, besides, it would be so redundant. All groupie stories about bands are basically the same three stories, give or take a detail or two. But I have to say, thank God for rock and roll, because I’m basically shy and would never go up and introduce myself to a girl. Scared of being rejected or laughed at. Being in bands, girls would come up and introduce themselves to you. I’m not quite sure how girls feel about fake political correspondents. Significantly less panty-throwing, although, I still had a roadie test my microphone and bring me a towel after each interview on the Daily Show. Some habits die hard.

TPP: What is the craziest thing about the life of a Rock G-d?

Vance: Well, pretty much everything about it, I think. For one thing, you’re getting to do something that you love doing for a living. How many people can say that? I was lucky enough to have done it for a bunch of years. You go to bed late, wake up when you want. Travel around playing your own music. Not to mention the whole people-cheering-for-you-on-stage thing. I mean, it’s certainly not a normal thing, and it spoils you. It’s all crazy and not natural and it’s the greatest.

TPP: What would surprise our readers about the life of a musician?

Vance: That it’s actually a very normal life. Oh, wait. I just said that it’s NOT normal, huh? Alright, let me change my answer to this question. People might be surprised to know that until 1989, all rock musicians lived in government-run dormitories in Biloxi, Mississippi and Topeka, Kansas. They put you through a six month training program and then when there was an opening in a band, they’d send you to whatever city it was and you’d join that particular band. The program was only cut when money allocated for the program was diverted by congress to an unnecessary and frivolous child-care program for underprivileged kids.

TPP: G’head. Plug something.

Vance: I have a new band called THE FAMOUS PIES. We play my songs, mainly pop rock-type things. Lots of three-part vocal harmonies. It’s a four piece group. Glenn Oyabe is the guitarist - and a really<