Run The Bases As Fast As Possible!

In those glorious days of mid-twenties dating, your sex life is one of the most exciting things known to man. If it’s not, take my word that you need to get out there quickly and start humping like a horny hamster. The only way you can survive what comes next in life is to pound as much hot ass as you can before you cross over to the other side. And by that I don’t mean becoming a homosexual. I’m talking about stepping to the other side of a threshold that will keep your dick dry for increasingly more painful stretches of time. I’m talking about sex after 5 years of marriage!

The honeymoon is over, buddy! At first I couldn’t figure out how I got here, so I decided to look back at the various stages that lead me to this accelerated stage of blue balls. I figured it was my duty as a card carrying man to relay this info to my fellow men so they can identify how close they are to this pitiful existence and maybe find a cure for all of us.

Phase 1: The First Date
(AKA: Man do I wanna poke her!)

At this point it’s not even totally about sex; it’s more about the anticipation of sex. You’ll think to yourself, “Damn she’s got a tight ass!” and all you’ll want to do for days is get your hands on it. You may even be so bold as to compliment how good her ass looks. But if you’re smart, you’ll realize ahead of time that the reason she keeps wearing that same pair of jeans is because it is the only thing that can keep all that sloppy ass in one place and looking like it is firm when it isn’t. Yet somehow it doesn’t matter to you. The entire goal of life during the first stretch is get past dry humping and get to working the bases like Ricky Henderson. If she finally unloads a truckload of unmanageable ass on you the first time you get her clothes off, you can simply hit it, quit it and forget it with no real harm having been done. This is the phase that the vaginal euphemism “strange” comes into play. All pussy is brand new and different from the last time. Enjoy this phase, guys- it will be the second best time of your sexual life.

Phase 2: Regular Dating
(AKA: She called you her boyfriend in public; now her friends are off limits.)

When you first started dating her, she was often drunk and let you pound her on top of that old console television, but that wore off after a few weeks of regular dating. The dating phase can offer some hot moments, like sex in a moving car, or that soapy shower sex thing, but this phase is definitely all about quantity and not quality. Any chance you get to whip it out, she is typically glad to oblige. She knows this is the best shape your dick will ever be in since you are already moving past your sexual peak, and she full well plans on taking advantage of it. She knows there will never be another time in her life when you will be able to regularly give her three orgasms in one night. Most women will even dole out regular blowjobs during this phase, if only to keep their love hatches from taking too much steady abuse from your eager man hammer. In fact the ease with which you are able to “talk her into” the blowjob during this phase is typically what leads directly to the next phase.

The Logan's Run - She actually can renew!

Phase 3: Just Got Engaged
(AKA: Now that I’ve spent money, I’ll get sex all the time!)

This is the phase where you will experience your first draught. That weekend when you propose will definitely involve some sex, but to your dismay it will be the kind where she holds your face and looks into your eyes, not the kind where you bend her over the arm of the lazy boy. It’ll be the kind where she cries and makes you say, “I love you” when you cum, not the kind where she howls like Kim Catrall in Porky’s. Two weeks later, as soon as the wedding planning is in full swing, the sex starts to slowly fade away. Your lady will be focused on gabbing about cake and dresses with the girls until 3AM instead of spinning like a dreidel on top of your love pole. As your dick starts to go unused you’ll begin to wonder absurd things “why don’t they show SportsCenter at a few more times a day”, or “why do they keep giving the belt to HHH,” or, if things have gotten really bad, “shit, I never realized how funny 'Home Improvement' was!” Take my advice, guys. As soon as you hit this stage establish that regular poker night with your buddies. She probably won’t notice you’re even gone at first and believe me, after she does notice, she was gonna yell at you about how you weren’t involved enough in the wedding planning anyway. So there is no need to worry about the repercussions. There’s also no way she is gonna push you to get too pissed off when her dad just put 10 Grand down on the wedding hall.

Phase 4: Almost Married
(AKA: Jesus Hector Christ, am I actually going through with this?)

You’re probably asking how guys even end up married if the draught after engagement is so bad. This next phase is the direct answer to that question. As soon as things look really awful and you are getting closer to the big day, something happens. All of a sudden she is all about pleasing you for a change. You begin to see sexy lingerie appear and all manner of dildos, vibrators and edible body creams. She starts taking you out to dinner and your favorite action movies, then taking you home and seducing you to 70’s funk records that you know she hates. In fact, several other surprising things happen. All of a sudden you don’t have to watch "Desperate Housewives" or reruns of "Friends". I distinctly remember that this was the only time in history that not only did she allow me to watch almost every game of Dodgers spring training that was televised, but that I even got a blow job during two of them! She would actually let me listen to Aesop Rock and Slipknot in the car. And when I accidentally stepped on her Jack Johnson CD she didn’t say a word. This was one of the best times of my life that lasted right up until the bachelor party.

It wasn’t until much later that I found out why. Guys, I’m here to tell you that the Bridal Shower is your best friend. I found out later from one of my wife’s girlfriends that they were the ones who had supplied her with all the toys and hot lingerie that had made me so happy during those months. My wife’s whole group of friends had actually planned how to keep my dick so “worked out” up until the night of the bachelor party that there was no way I would fuck things up by having sex with some hooker.

Looking Forward To Those Scheduled Rendezvous With Your Lady?

Phase 5: After the Bachelor Party
(AKA: Fuck, she thinks I did something!)

I would love to tell you that I didn’t do anything at my bachelor party, but I was so fucked up that when I woke up in the morning in a room with three of my buddies, two hookers, some type of mule and a tranny, I was extremely happy not to remember what exactly had happened, or how we had even gotten into Canada with livestock. I know, however, that it really doesn’t matter what happens that night though. She is going to use that night as the moment you fucked up all the good things she had been doing for you, and that now you owe her, big time, no matter what. If you are lucky enough to get any sex during this phase, I can guarantee it will be whatever she wants and having nothing to do with you or your needs. In fact, this was probably the first period in my life when I ever had sex without cumming. She got hers and pushed me right off on to the floor. In fact, after that she wouldn’t even do it with me again until the wedding. She said something to the effect of “We can’t do it for 2 months so that I can be like a virgin for you on our wedding night”. At this point, the invitations are all out and you’ve already paid for the honeymoon, so there’s really no turning back. You may, however, want to take this time to start investigating your state's divorce laws, just in case.

Phase 6: The Wedding Night And Honeymoon
(AKA: Now the pussy is mine, legally!)<