Mike Polk has a new article?! Fuck the gym!!!

With summer now in full swing, everyone’s attention is turned to the joys of the hottest three months of the year. Ahhhh the promise of perpetual swamp ass and endless skin-to-leather stickery should have you as giddy as a sailor on leave in San Fran.

However, the cold, hard fact remains that at some point in the next three months you will, inevitably, be invited to a pool party, pool bash, or in the queerest of cases, pool-b-que (featured on Fox’s upcoming special ‘When Puns Attack XVI’).

This, of course, means that you will have to hit the gym, and hard. Although assuredly the cold winter months of sucking on the teet of a Redi-Whip can and surfing The Phat Phree have kept you sculpted like the fine Romanesque statue that you are, it may be necessary to stop at the local health club for a tune up. But beware! Walking into the health club can be a dangerous venture, especially if you don’t know who, or whom, you will encounter there. Health clubbers are a special breed, so I consider it my civic duty to inform you now about the 6 People you will most likely encounter at the club:

#1- The one man fitness museum-
A fixture at any club, the one man fitness museum can be between the ages of 56-dead, but remains young at heart (albeit a heart that may have several bovine valves). This man (always a man) will typically sport 1980’s striped workout pants and a spaghetti-strap shirt that reads something like “Gold’s Gym Brooklyn: Grand Opening 1952”, and that’s not a fucking replica, he was there. Hell, he probably laid the mortar. This guy remembers back in the good old days, when men were men…and boys were men too, Godamnit!! Constantly patrolling the weight floor, The Musuem is ready to help any young lady with a machine in a manner so grope-tastic it makes Micheal Jackson look like Bob Saget.

All natural...that's right, the shorts are all natural.

#2- The ‘Roider-
Can’t miss this guy. Literally. With arms as big as a healthy four-year-old, the ‘Roider let’s out a primal scream roughly equal to that of a mastodon giving birth every time he “pushes it past the max” on the squat machine. Hooked on a steady diet of Creatine and Enzyte, this compensation goliath will never hit on the ladies. Fuck that, he’s there to get huge…HUUUUUGGGEEE!!!

#3- The Former Soccer Mom-
With the birds all out of the nest this menopausal matron doesn’t have the daily chores of running after her kids to keep cellulite at bay any more. In an effort to keep her figure, and subsequently her husband from nailing his coed temp secretary, the FSM will typically spend a medically inadvisable amount of time on the stairmaster, jiggling all the way home. Usually clad in what some may deem an “inappropriately” tight spandex number, the FSM won’t let Madison Avenue, or her own bulging back rolls, tell her what a “medium” is. You go girl!

#4- The Professional-
Easily spotted due to his proclivity to say things like “that wasn’t on my action item list, but I can move it up ASAP” at unnecessary volumes on his cell, the Pro is a mainstay. He couldn’t fit in any gym time at lunch because he and his power tie were busy locking the merger, so he typically hits the gym with the afterwork crowd. Displaying amazing coordination, the Pro is able to wield his Palm’s stylus while running at a 3.5 incline and talking on his Jabra, because while the office may close at 5, this guy is always closing, bitch. While often slowed by his oversized gym bag ( You think he can trust this paperwork to the gym lockers? Pfhh…that’s why you’ll never make partner.) the pro remains a slippery snake best left to his blackberry.

#5- The Slut-
Every gym has one. This is the girl who, although seemingly omnipresent at the gym, never seems to be doing any physical exercise of any kind (Note: Performing fellatio on the personal trainers is not a physically demanding task). Wearing a $90 “sport bra” number that a stiff breeze could knock out of place, the Slut typically wanders aimlessly, with a chillingly empty, vacuous stare, between the snack bar and the ab machines, while never actually doing anything at either location. All the food at the snack bar has too many calories or carbs, and the ab machines look “all hard and stuff”. Many theorize that the main reason the Slut frequents the gym is so that, in the event of a vicious cat fight with an overweight friend, she may retort “Hey at least I go to the gym, bitch!”

#6- The Trainer-
Most likely setting off an Amber alert when he moved into town, the Trainer has found the one position where fondling women of all ages is seen as “good work ethic”. Pacing around leering at his next victim-to-be, the trainer has plenty of prison-esque tattoos to let every guy in the club know that he is not to be fucked with. That’s right, the skull on his shoulder has both flames and snakes, in fact they are flaming snakes, you want a piece, junior?! I didn’t fucking think so.

If you don’t fit into any of these categories, then you’re good to go and enjoy a healthy workout at the local gym. And if you do…well, you don’t know where I fucking live.