Criminal behavior and its causes have long been debated by scholars and laymen alike. Is it born or learned behavior? Nature or nurture? While there are many theories, answers are hard to come by. I personally don't give a shit. All I know is there are an assload of shady characters in the NFL, and they have provided us the opportunity to compile and All-Criminal team for the ages. On this list there will be no Honorable Mention. You the reader will be responsible for that in the comment section below. Bear in mind there are only twenty-five roster spots (including the coach) and some positions are loaded with convicts while others tend to be more law-abiding. So with apologies to those who didn't make the cut, we present to you The Phat Phree's NFL All-Criminal Team.

OFFENSE
Todd Marinovich - QB
	Just last month the Artist Formerly Known as Robo-QB was arrested in a public bathroom with a bent spoon and a syringe. What better guy to lead this team? The closest most quarterbacks come to getting in trouble with the law is a DUI, but Marinovich doesn't fuck around. The spaces between his toes have seen more needles than a Christmas tree lot. Just don't tell him to "put the smack down"... because he never will. �
O.J. Simpson - RB
	The Juice is an obvious choice, so we won't spend much time with his legal qualifications for this team. Double-murder, here's your jersey.
Lawrence Phillips - RB
	Arrested too many times to count, a washout in both the NFL and the CFL, Phillips has finally found a team that will take him. Young Lawrence, well... he has women problems. He knows more about battery charges than the manufacturers of DieHard and the Energizer bunny combined. He's beaten every girlfriend he ever had and once punched a woman in the face after she refused to dance with him at a Miami night club. While at Nebraska, in what may be his most famous carry, he was accused of breaking into his ex's room, dragging her by the hair down three flights of stairs, and jacking her head against a mailbox, which also earns him a nomination for the All-Caveman Team.
Rae Carruth - WR
	Guilty of the most heinous crime in the history of the NFL (remember, OJ was acquitted), Carruth is an obvious choice. He orchestrated the execution-style murder of his pregnant girlfriend because she refused to have an abortion. While he only got into the end zone four times in his short career, you can rest assured that this wideout has been on the receiving end of numerous scoring drives since arriving in state correctional facilities, most of which were led by a couple of guys with swastika tattoos.
Michael Irvin - WR
	With all the cocaine he's done in his life, he could probably chalk the entire Texas Stadium field. He kept the Tarrant County courtrooms busy in the late 90's, and despite finding God (was he lost?), he managed to mix in a few drug charges in this millennium too. His roster spot is further solidified by the fact that he once had a hit out on him â€" by a cop. Former Dallas police officer Johnnie Hernandez was arrested after he paid $2960 to an undercover DEA agent in order to have Irvin murdered. Awesome.
Mark Chmura - TE
	Despite being acquitted on charges of sexual assault and child enticement, 'Chewy' gets the starting nod at tight end. Who knows what really went down with him and that 17 year-old in the bathroom of a drunken prom party? All we know is this â€" the court of public opinion is a bitch.
Barret Robbins - OL
	Previously best known for disappearing the night before Oakland's Super Bowl thrashing in 2003, Robbins trumped that the following year by attacking three police officers who, being armed, shot him twice in the chest. Police reports indicate that even after being shot Robbins continued to attack the officers, which is just the kind of spunk we need on this team. The good news is that Robbins survived his wounds. The bad news is that he is facing three counts of attempted murder of a police officer.
Nate Newton - OL
	Newton was a shoe-in for this team when he got busted in Louisiana with 213 pounds of marijuana after being pulled over for a traffic violation (who breaks traffic laws with a van full of drugs?), but then he made a serious case to become a team captain six weeks later when, while out on bail, he got busted again. This time it was 175 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his car. One thing's for sure - when it's fourth and long, we know ol' Nate is down to 'go for it'.
Justin Strzelczyk - OL
	Aside from only having one vowel in his last name (not counting "y"), Strzelczyk also had only one great defining moment. After a hit-and-run accident in New York, police chased his pickup 40 miles, during which Strzelczyk flipped off troopers and at one point threw a beer bottle at them. In the end, Strzelczyk crashed head on at 90 miles per hour into a tanker truck carrying corrosive acid, leaving an explosive scene police compared to an airplane crash. Strzelczyk didn't make it out alive, he did, literally, go down in a 'blaze of glory', and you gotta respect that. And for those concerned, the driver of the tanker escaped with only minor injuries.