Last week, UPN and the WB announced that they were merging as one network. They’re not alone, however. Sagging ratings have prodded other networks to take a similar approach. The first union, announced yesterday, was the merger Spike TV and Lifetime Television. Starting this fall, programming from both channels will be blended together, including old movies, and will be digitally edited to fit both of the network’s formats.

Here is a preview…

They've Kidnapped My Octoplets (1998-- Redone for the Spike TV audience in 2006.)

Meredith Baxter Birney: My husband and my closest friend are having an affair and they’ve kidnapped my eight children. What am I going to do?

Tracey Gold: Meredith, you’ve helped me my whole life. You supported me through my bulimia, anorexia, lupus, leprosy, SIDS, bird flu, lizard pox, and bubonic plague, so I feel obligated to give you some advice.

Meredith Baxter Birney: What do you think I should do?

Tracey Gold: You should bet on the Lakers to cover this Sunday, they’re a lock.

Meredith Baxter Birney: Lakers? What the hell does that mean? I was talking about my octoplets. Don’t you remember? I was a victim of incest and you told me to not to give my children up for adoption after my painkiller-addicted husband beat me because of my multiple personality disorder. Now, do you have any helpful advice for me?

Tracey Gold: I love the Cavs tomorrow. That Lebron James is incredible. Tease this game with the Suns- Kings and take the ‘over’. You'll win some big ducats.

Meredith Baxter Birney: Tracey, why won’t you help me?

Tracey Gold: Oh, I’m sorry, I was just reading Maxim magazine--the new issue is great. Look at this article, “397 New Tips For Hooking Up With Loose Women”. I know they do this article every month, but it never gets old. Maxim--at newsstands everywhere.


Meredith Baxter Birney: Forget that. What about my baby?

Howard Stern: I'll tell you about a baby--Jamie Pressley. Man, is she a piece of ass or what? Okay, quick quiz: who would you rather do? Jamie Pressly or Angelina Jolie? I’d pick Jolie ‘cause I think she’d give better oral.


Meredith Baxter Birney: Who are you? What happened to Tracey?

Howard Stern: Baba-booey just put her in the ‘Tickle Chair’. Forget her, let’s talk about you. You got one hell of a rack for an old broad. Are those real? Okay, bend over so I can spank your ass with this flounder.

Meredith Baxter Birney: I’m getting out of here. I have to find my babies!

Terminator pap smear kit

Howard Stern: Go- leave! You’ll be back, honey. See you on Sirius. Don’t forget to bring those knockers.

Robin Quivers: (laughs) Oh Howard, you’re so funny!

Howard Stern: Hey Robin, I think that Baxter-Birney chick wanted me. Not that I would do anything with her, I have a girlfriend now. Maybe I can talk them into a three-way with Gary the Retard.


The Terminator Redux: (1984 movie redone for the Lifetime audience in 2006.)


Terminator Are you Sarah Connor?

Sarah Connor Oh no, it’s the Terminator! Are you going to kill me?

Terminator: Sarah Connor, I want to…I want to... educate you about the importance of mammograms.

Sarah Connor: Mammograms? But I just had one last year.

Terminator: Doctors now say you should have yourself checked every week. Breast cancer is the number-two killer of all women in your age group.

Sarah Connor: What's number one?

Terminator: Terminators, or is it diabetes? I always get the two confused. If you want, I can give you these brochures, or you can let me check you.

Sarah Connor: You've been programmed to give mammograms?

Terminator: Uh… uh… yes, that is my main objective.

Sarah Connor: I thought your main objective was to kill me.

Terminator: Hey, who’s giving this pap smear anyway? Now get on the examination table.

Sarah Connor: Pap smear? Who said anything about a pap smear?

Terminator: Okay, okay, no pap smear. But you’ll be sorry. Did you ever see that one movie with Valerie Bertinielli? She never went to her gynecologist and she ended up with defective ovaries and the Ebola virus. That’s why Eddie Van Halen broke up with her.

Sarah Connor: I think I should talk to my own doctor first. You're overly aggressive sexual overtones are making me uncomfortable. That’s sexual harassment, and I don't have to tolerate your unwarranted groping!

Terminator: Okay, okay, chill out…I’m not going through that shit again. Man, you’re worse than those chicks at N.O.W. … I'll be back...

… with some hush money.

Sarah Connor: No wait, don’t go… I can’t fight these feelings anymore. I love you.

Terminator: I love you too. Kiss me, you sexy non-cyborg.

(Tasteful sex montage)

Sarah Connor: Oh, Terminator, things are totally perfect. We’re going to have a wonderful life together. Nothing could possibly ruin our… uh, hey, what’s this lump on my breast?

Terminator: Uh-oh. The Terminator ain’t programmed for this. (Walks out the door)

…'.Hasta la vista, baby', uh, I mean 'Shalom, baby'.
... Don't wanna anger those studio heads.